forgivable mistake or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
forgivable mistake or not?
50
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:14pm

My b/f and I have a great relationship, very loving and both of us want the same things and are very committed to each other. Or so I though. On New Year's Eve after a wonderful dinner at a fancy restaurant and a beautiful diamond promise ring (he promised to always treat me good and love me), he confessed that he had cheated on me 2 months ago. He said he had made a terrible mistake and had been depressed and had way too much to drink at a friend's apartment(which I believe b/c he used to binge drink often, 20 or more drinks in a night) and his friend's neighbor asked him to walk her home and he ended up going in her apt. and having sex with her. He says it didn't really work out b/c of the alcohol and he used protection and it was only for 3 or 4 minutes and that he was devastated and disgusted with himself when he realized what had happened the next morning. It was only this one time, and he didn't want to tell me until our relationship was at a point where I knew that he truly loved me. And to be fair, the past 2 months he has made many improvements both in his own life (including swearing off alcohol altogether) and in our relationship. He admits he was terribly wrong and accepts responsibility for what he did. I truly love him and he is a wonderful person (even though he royally f'd up that once), and I want to work through this. Am I being naive or is it possible to recover from something like this? I don't know anyone that has been in this situation, I'm not terribly outgoing and don't have many friends, so I'm asking anyone here to please help me out.

So confused....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 5:24pm

I think the fact that you still struggle points out the need for counseling, it wouldn't still be a struggle if it had been dealt with effectively.

Yes, infidelity is hard to get through. Victims who don't get counseling often wrestle with it for the rest of their lives. I think two years and still struggling says it's time to do something else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 8:57pm

I do appreciate your advice; however, I wasn't writing in to ask for help. I also don't consider myself a victim or say I am still struggling. We all still feel pain from significant events including infidelity, the death of a family member, disability and otherwise. Its natural and part of recovery.

I think bayoaks should seek counseling if she feels it is right for her. I just wanted to give my input and tell my experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 11:34pm
I understand that you didn't come here to ask for help, but you've got to know when you come to a problem solving board, if a problem is seen, it's going to be responded to!


I completely glossed over the part where you said the infidelity happened two years ago, I'm glad Lurkerdelux caught it, it's important. You may not have said it was a struggle, but you did say, "I still feel serious pain over it...and yes I do worry about it happening again" and that says you're still having serious problems and issues with it. It says you haven't healed or rebuilt,; if you've healed you don't still feel serious pain, and you can't rebuild on a foundation that is still shaky (fear of it happening again). Your relationship can't be secure until you feel secure.


Friends and family are great, but they're not trained to deal with the trauma and emotional impact of trust and betrayal issues. They can't know how to best address them to help you work through them and resolve them. Two years is a very long time to be feeling the way you're feeling. Two years is way to long to still be struggling with the issues you're struggling with. Infidelity is an issue that can stick with you and affect you for the rest of your life if you don't deal with it effectively so that it's resolved, so that you can move on without its effects.


It's serious and it really is time for you to get some real help with this. Why are you so against seeing a trained therapist?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2007
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 10:27am
I'm glad you know what you're gonna do, you are a much stronger person than me. Good luck with all and I hope things continue on to be great!!!
Take Care...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 11:19am

I am not against therapy, and one of my family members is trained in psychology. I prefer to work through things my way, and I would hope that on these boards people could respect that decision. I have in no way encouraged anyone else against therapists, and I am appreciative of the concern members on these boards share.

The path or solution is not the same for each person. I wanted to share mine. I appreciate others responding with theirs.

Edited 1/10/2007 11:28 am ET by j78784444




Edited 1/10/2007 11:33 am ET by j78784444
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 7:09pm

"trained in psychology" is not "licensed therapist", and no








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 11:48am

At first I was a little nervous about posting on this board; however, I believe it has been enjoyable experience because it challenges me to think differently about my own opinions in an environment where people try not to persecute. Thank you for respecting my decision.

On a side note, I am not saying someone in my family is a licensed therapist let alone my licensed therapist. I am saying I respect psychology and therapy as a professional practice and field of study.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 2:31pm
Reading, learning, disagreeing and coming to understand the opinions of those I disagree with on the board has broadened my views at in some instances completely changed my opinion and on many subjects over the years. It's also caused me to reexamine myself on many occasions. It hasn't always been easy, but it has been good for me.


I'm glad you're finding the same. It can make a big difference.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2002
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 9:11pm

I have not had time to read all the posts. I agree though that reading can help but nothing can benefit you the same way as therapy. You need someone looking in your eyes, witnessing your experience and giving you feed back.

A book that changed my life and got me into al-onon first and then therapy was Women Who Love too Much. Another one is Codependant No More and Beyond Codependance.

Even after a lot of therapy it has been hard to make good choice for myself.



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 10:39am

hottlipps -
Thanks. You know, I saw that "Women who love too much" book at the bookstore and thought about getting it, I may go back and take another look now. :-)

Well, my b/f and I have been doing fairly well the past week; usually we end up talking about 3 or 4 hours a day now, which is a lot, but I think it's helping. He's coming up to see me today and staying until Sunday, so we'll have some time to spend together and see how things are going. He got the job at the oil company, but doesn't know when he'll start. On the down side, my car is broken again and in the shop and I'm still sick (plus a nasty sinus infection). School starts up again on Tuesday, so hopefully I'll have a working car and enough $$ for my books. I have to go to campus either today or Monday to try to get books and get my G.I. Bill stuff set up for this semester, so I'll try to find out if there is any kind of therapist available or any recommended resources. Thanks again everybody!

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