Forgiveness and moving forward

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Forgiveness and moving forward
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 5:50pm

Greetings all!

I'm hoping to get some input on my situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. While there have been bumps here or there, nothing major. I'd say we communicate pretty well and usually all is well in the land so to speak.

Friday evening I headed over to his place and a couple of his friends came over to hang out for his birthday. I went to reset a pw that required the use of his computer.

Let me take a minute to say that I trust my guy, I know that all guys look at porn so this doesn't phase me and I've used his computer several times before. I should also say that he is pretty shy and has spent a majority of his life being very introverted, often turning to the internet for friendship and human connections. I know that he has a lot of friends that are girls through this method and even talk to a few of them myself. I've never thought twice about this.

An IM box popped up on his screen and I quickly said that while it was his computer, he wasn't around. Normally I don't read emails/texts etc so I fully recognize that going back to read the conversation was my fault. I should not have done this.

In the conversation, he gives her his email pw, asked for photos, said that he wanted to suck on her boobs, asked about things going on between her and her boyfriend and if she was still interested in a vibe for her and her boyfriend to try out together (that my guy would pay for!) Needless to say I was furious.

He came in and found me crying. I didn't want to make a scene while his friends were there so I asked who she was quietly and why he had said he wanted to.. you know. He chuckled and said that he had talked to her since he was 13 (24 now) and she lives in India. That they sometimes talked like that. When he saw that this still did not quell my anger he said he should have told me he still had friends that he talked to like that and that they did exchange nude photos at one point but that it was before he and I got together and that any chance for them had passed. The vibe thing was because she was curious about trying one out with her guy and that he would never cheat on me, nor was he actively seeking to be with anyone else.

I was upset and confused and really had no idea what to do, but due to intoxication I had no choice but to stay the night. We talked a lot and cried the next day together. He was really shaken up about losing me and messing up. I do believe that he was telling the truth (really, he is a terrible liar) I also wasn't about to make any rash decisions. He said that he would wait for me and to take as much time as I needed and that he wanted to make things up to me.

I still very much love him. At the same time, I am really confused. On the one hand, I'm really hurt. I get that guys (and gals for that matter) think about other people, but reading his words to her really caught me off guard. I also know that he is sincere in his apology.

I realize now is a fantastic time to draw these lines and figure out goals for the relationship and what I'd like to work towards, but I am trouble on how to begin working past my hurt and eventually trusting him again. No relationship is without its troubles.

I want to continue on having a happy and healthy relationship, but could use some pointers on learning how to forgive and work past this. Any suggestions?

(sorry for the essay)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 1:34am

Welcome to the board, Tonightwillfall ~

I understand what you found really shook you up and made you question everything, but it sounds like you believe what he told you, correct?

~ cl-2nd_life

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 10:56am

I think its commendable that you want to try and stay and work things out. I think you have the right to have him stop all communications of this nature with other women. That doesn't mean that he can't be friends with girls, but the kind of conversation they were having and the things he said to her is not something he should be telling another woman, no matter how long he has known her. I understand that each relationship is defined by its participants, and in your case what he is doing is not in line with your expectations of a relationship.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 06-12-2011 - 9:00pm
YOU want to have a happy and healthy relationship. Does HE? What guarantees can he make that he will not do it again? Did he give a full explanation on WHY he did it? Unless he deals with the root of his behavior then no matter what he says, he will do it again. How will he make things up to you?

I heard a method by Dr. Joy Browne that may help. Find out what thing he treasures the most (boat, Wii, baseball trophy, etc.) and have him promise that he will give it to you if you find him cheating again.

If he is truly not ready to fully commit to you then let him go until he matures/gets it out of his system.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Mon, 06-13-2011 - 1:01am

Before you decide to keep working on this relationship, just consider for a minute that he finds it perfectly fine and good to have sexual conversations with people online and not tell his girlfriend of three years.

"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink