A fresh thread ~ for Alilove882005

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Registered: 03-26-2003
A fresh thread ~ for Alilove882005
50
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 12:21am

How was your trip, Ali? How are you doing?


For those who aren't familiar with Aliloves882005, information on her situation can be found here:
I made a mistake - need advice (long)





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 9:31am
I'm sure you've gotten lots of advice, so I'm just going to give you hugs and tell you to please keep talking. It is some of the best medicine for your pain. HUGS
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 11:24am

Thanks CL for creating a fresh thread... and thanks ddnlj for the hugs... i need them...

My trip was nice... my sis and i spent one day in downtown Denver on 16th street... the trendy, "hip" section of the city... check it out if you ever get the chance... it's a nice place to stroll and broswe for the day, good eats too... then her and my brother-in-law took me out for dinner and drinks on my birthday... the distraction was nice... but....

Unfortunately it didn't help me much... in fact it just made the reality of my situation finally settle in... and it's hitting me hard... it doesn't help that i'm in between places to live... so i don't have a home to call my own right now... coming back to that was not good for me. We are having nice weather here and it makes me miss my house and all of the outdoorsy things i could do around there at night after work... letting go of that is hard... knowing that i'll never see the flowers i planted last year come up... ugh.. it's the little things, ya know? Saying good-by to the life I loved is not so easy...

I know I'm still partly in the denial stage (accepting this is HARD work!!) and most definitely in the grieving stage... i've been crying so much and sleeping so little that i'm eventually going to come crashing down even more... Time will help with this but some small part of me was holding out some hope that he would come around... to see that i'm not so bad; ibut i know that it won't happen... i know it... I am repeating to myself every day "He's not the man I've loved for so long... he's a different person." But turning off my feelings for him is still hard... and i may never fully be able to get them out of my heart and head. I think I wanted to hate him... but that is such a strong, useless emotion that I couldn't hold on to it... a part of me wants to say the h*ll with my dignity and beg him for forgiveness and a second chance... BUT KNOW THIS... I WILL NOT DO THAT... it's just a knee jerk reaction I'm having... delayed but having it none the less.

Ali

And yes, I've scheduled a call with a counselor using our EAP. I would have last week but I was traveling and it didn't make sense to seek help at that time... I'm slipping into depression.. i can feel it... the non-stop crying and wanting to do nothing but stay in bed is a good indication... thank goodness for my friends... they are dragging me out... making me talk through this... mostly i don't want to but am anyways because they are making me... to distract me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 1:18pm

Hey there Ali,


Welcome back.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 1:50am

Dirextor's right, Ali, you have incredibly good friends. When situations are difficult like yours, many friends are walking on eggshells, afraid of upsetting you, steering clear of the subject and of pushing you at all. Your friends are real, honest-to-God gutsy friends with enough smarts to know what you really need and the strength to stand up and give it to you, like it or not. Those kinds of friends are rare and very, very cherished. They're the kind that tell you how it is rather than what you want to hear. Dragging you out and pushing you to talk is doing the best by you that they possibly can.


It sounds like the weekend was good/bad, and I can totally understand that. When my first marriage was bad I got involved in activities (didn't realize it was merely a distraction from facing the ugly reality at the time) that took me out of town most weekends. Had a great time while I was gone, but oh how I dreaded coming home, and in coming home it didn't feel like the trip had done me any good at all, the realization of the reality of what I was going back to washed away all the lovely distraction the weekend activities had afforded me.


I don't know what you're planning to do housing wise in the interim of moving west, but if you'll be looking for interim housing, it sounds like something with a yard or a floor level apartment/condo where you could do some planting would be a good thing. If your area has a community garden, maybe you could volunteer or reserve a patch for yourself (depending on how it's operated) and fulfill some of what you love to do there. I know it's not the same as your own yard, but think of how many people would benefit from and enjoy the beauty of what you'd plant. If you have a County Extension office, check to see if they offer Master Gardner classes too, that might be a great thing for you to dive into just now.


As far as your thoughts on your husband go, I do understand -- all of it. Just one thing Ali -- it's not you this isn't about him thinking you're horrible or "not so bad" as you put it. He didn't do this because you were bad, undesirable, lied, cheated, none of that. He simply wanted out and decided if he made you the scapegoat he could come out of it looking like a prince rather than a jerk for walking out for no reason, which is exactly what he did. Found an excuse to pin his reasons on (and a weak one at that) and used it. He used you in the process Ali and he did it all at your expense. Having him make such a drastic change is an incredible thing to expect yourself to grasp, especially in such a short amount of time. You can't turn off your feelings. You don't love him one day then dislike, hate or have no feelings for him the next. If you did it would say your feelings were pretty shallow to begin with.


When's your appointment? If it's not coming up very quickly, I'd really suggest you give your doctor a call and talk to him/her about the issues you've been dealing with and the fact that you can't sleep and cry constantly. If you aren't sleeping (which is understandable and a normal reaction) you aren't getting rested and that is working against you and your emotional state. I'm not a fan of medication, especially sleep/pain unless it's really necessary, but I think in your case, something to help you sleep short term would do you a lot of good. Just don't stay on them too long, you know? But getting some good rest will make a big difference to you and it will improve the benefit you'll get from working with a therapist. This is one of those times it's a "should do".


I know you've been dealt an incredible blow and you're doing great in recognizing where you are, what's reality from what's wishful thinking; you've been incredibly aware of it all. Please don't forget to be good to yourself too, you deserve good things Ali. This is not your fault and you are not to blame. You've been framed. Be good to you and do good things for yourself, you deserve only good things.




~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 4:05am

Best of luck Ali, and remember those little things like the flowers can still be done. You may be away from your own place but that can't stop you from buying a huge bunch of flowers, a tall glass of chocolate milk (with ice cream) and sitting in the tub to take away some of the stress and tension.

All the best and glad to hear your friends are taking such good care of you. (((hugs)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 9:40am

Hi all... i chose the happy icon for this message... not sure i am 100% happy... but i feel happier right now.... on Thursday night, after having dinner with my girlfriends, i was driving to my parents house and started to cry...again... but suddenly i felt this enormous amount of clarity about the situation... and about myself... and the tears stopped and i haven't cried since. i now know what my ex means when he said something "clicked" within him... i *think* i experienced the same thing... while i'm still not thrilled about getting a divorce... i realized that i've been putting to much thought into what he thinks of me, how he's doing, how much i missed him.... when i realized that i need to be all about ME!! (i know, i know... EVERYONE has told me that... but it finally sunk in...) I also feel that in this moment of clarity that i've finally accepted that this is truly over... and it feels good to break through the "denial rut" i've been in and see it for what it is.... a dead and unsalvagable relationship... me sitting around wishing and hoping that he would change is mind was a monumental waste of energy... although i do recognize that i had to go through that... i'm still grieving the loss of what once was a wonderful relationship and he really is the love of my life... but i've cut the first strings of many that are still holding me to the past... and am learning to let go of the dream that was "us".... don't get me wrong... i know i have much much more work to do on my feelings, on myself... i need to learn to live alone, to be happy and confident about myself, and to learn to live without love and affection for awhile... it's hard... but i know i can do it... i'm not so blind to realize that i may never slip backwards on occasion...i'm sure i will... but right now... i'm feeling pretty good... i've decided that i just can't think about him anymore...the old wonderful him... even the good times... to move forward i need to forget the past while working on recognizing all bad things we both did while married so that i don't repeat the same mistakes in future relationships...(i will work on recognizing the good when i'm ready to do so...) i am in no way ready to let someone else into my life... i have much more to fix but each day i work on a part of myself that i don't like... and it's been rewarding and encouraging to know that i can do it... that i can be my own person... i got lost someone where along the road of life... and finding my way back is a challenge that i'm working through each and every day....

It's a beautiful sunny day here today... 61 degress predicted with sunny skies... i'm going to enjoy the best i can!!

Ali

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 1:45pm

Hey Ali ~ You sound great! I think everything you've said is exactly right; you have realizations that have eluded you up until now, you realize you'll likely slip back into a funk from time to time, but you now have belief in what you've been saying, if that makes sense. All along you've said you can't save something he doesn't want to save, etc., but now you believe it, if that makes sense. For what it's worth, I don't think you got lost along the road of life, you just got thrown a curve ball that you didn't know how to deal with. And frankly, you've dealt with it in a much more intelligent, healthy manner than most.


I've always been impressed with your attitude and your thinking, even more so now. I think you're going to be more than fine, you're going to be fabulous and you're going to move on to absolutely love the life you're living.


I'm soooo glad you're feeling so good. It's shaping up to be a great, sunny day here too, and reading your post has made it that much better. I'm so glad for you, Ali!




~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 7:02pm

Thanks! I feel much better... and I feel like I had a bit of a "test" today (Sunday)... I was coming around a corner in town and inadvertantly looked at the person on the Harley going the other way, waiting to turn... ugh... (I avoid looking at ppl on Harley's!!)... and it was HIM! He waved, had a sad little expression on his face... i looked and turned my eyes back to the road... I know it is petty but I am trying to stick to the no contact pact I've put on myself... then later in the day I called my best friend to see if the ex called her to tell her he was going out of town for work... and he did... so i picked her up (she and her H live two doors down from my old house...ugh) and she went with me to help me pack some things for my move... I didn't cry either time... and I feel that's its a good thing... whew... I may later... but it takes a lot of energy to forget the person you love and who was your best friend for 17 years... but i'm doing it... and realizing that I can... It's a big step for me... plus i *think* i will be able to move into my new place by the end of the week... whew...

There's a slight chance it will turn ugly between us this week... I've changed my mind about the agreement my lawyer is writing up... I had agreed to sign over my half of the house but since something "clicked" for me too... and I also realized he could potentially move another woman in there someday (I AM NOT OK WITH THAT!)... i'm asking that he either buy me out or sell it... I had hopes that I would be moving back there... that he would change his mind... but since my acceptance of this I know that is not going to happen... and i was trying to keep him from being angry at me as well... but now i just don't care... i should get my fair share from the years I put into the house and our relationship... ugh... i'll let you know how he takes it... he should find out on Wednesday of this week when he rolls back into town...

It was 75 here today and absolutely BEAUTIFUL!!! Helped my mood a lot...

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 12:52am

I don't think the incident you described is petty, it's a big change, and it's important. Going back to pack up some things was another huge thing. I'm glad you had a friend to help you. I'm sure you're right, you'll have more tears, but it sounds like you've taken the step from "knowing" how it is to accepting it, and further, you're ready to move forward. That's huge.


Good for you for changing your mind on letting him have your share of the house, it's not fair or reasonable that he should walk away with it all. Not only from the aspect of him being the one that wanted this while you wanted to work on things, since he decided he didn't want to try, why should he get it scot-free, but also, you put your blood, sweat and tears into it, you have equal equity and those funds will help your future. You are more than entitled to ask for half, it's more than fair. I'm surprised your lawyer was okay with you wanting to hand it all over to him. Are you asking for alimony? It seemed petty and pathetic to me, but my attorney reminded me that if I'd asked for alimony, I would have been able to use those funds to pay the bills that he agreed to but didn't. Just a thought.... I'm glad too that you don't care if he's angry or not about you wanting your share of the house. Honestly, if he was any kind of a guy, he'd take it in stride, knowing it was really right and owed to you anyway. If he doesn't, he's showing that ugly, selfish side you've been seeing so much of in the last few months. Let him get angry, it's his own doing, he caused all of this. Getting angry (if he does) because his wife is getting her fair share of the settlement is lousy.


Enough about that! Glad the weather's finally really turning spring-like, it really is great to see the leaves coming back on the trees, and the smell of fresh cut grass? Heaven!




~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 2:56pm

A friend of mine has this quote posted on her IM screen... She did not cite the person who quoted it... but I thought about it and it makes sense... I may not be ready yet to forgive my Ex for giving up on us but when I am... I'll think about this...

"Forgiveness isn't for anyone else, it's for yourself...to free yourself of anger. It doesn't mean you have to invite or have those people back in your life."

Ali

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