Friend destroying relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Friend destroying relationship
16
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 11:19am
My long term boyfriend and I just recenly bought a house together, a brand new home. We have been living together in total for about 3+ years so this isn't something that is new to both of us. However, I am facing a problem with his friend, and only friend, coming over ever single night of the week. Now him coming over isn't what bothers me because he did this before we moved into the new house, it's the fact that him and his girlfriend come over EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. And when they come over they stay for hours on end. This friend of my boyfriends' is a complete slob which is another thing that is bringing me closer to my breaking point, because I am the one who has to clean this mess up (I am a clean freak so I can't go without cleaning it). We have only been moved in since November 1st, and I have counted the number of days his friend hasn't come over excluding the 3 days my boyfriend was out of state on a business trip and it totals up to be 4 days. I feel like not only am I sharing my house with two people that do not live there, but I am also feeling like I have to fight to have some alone time with the man I am living with. I have talked to my boyfriend about this issue, and how it bothers me, and I have approached it from every angle I can possibly think of. He says he understands, or he tries to justify the situation, or he says, "we have a couple hours after we get home before he usually gets here to spend some alone time together."(I feel like I have to schedule my time with him) Well I know it sounds selfish but WHAT ABOUT ME?! You would think that two adults would realize that being a young couple who just bought a brand new home together would probably like to have some alone time. I feel like I am just the maid that walks behind everyone and picks up. He wants me to be more social with these people, however, I don't share the same intrests as them (football) and I am to the point where I am starting to resent them and my boyfriend for not having any nights alone in my own damn house. I have done everything I can think to do at this point, and nothing seems to be working.(even turning on bitch mode and not speaking to any of them to get my point accross) This relationship needs to work, we both love eachother very much and I don't doubt that for one minute. But it is going to start falling apart if we can't have some quality time together without these unwelcomed guests all the time. Can anyone tell me what I can do that might help the situation? I feel if this continues anymore I am going to end up snapping in frustration and lashing out at them. Please help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 1:26am
Now you are not offending me, you are completely right. I told him tonight, after a night out with my girlfriend, and I have also done the same thing last night. Hoping he will see that I obviously won't be around while this is taking place(destroying our relationship). I told him that it is very clear to me that he doesn't care about how I feel about this situation, and it really doesn't seem like a concern to him that this is important to us as a couple to fix something that is slowly tearing us apart. He just sat there and listened as always with a blank stare on his face like this all came as a surprise to him. I told him that I can no longer live like this, in a realtionship with someone whom I feel I have to beg for their attention or beg in order to feel like I am even high on their priority list. I told him also that if this means losing my home, that we bought together, than I am willing to put that on the line for my emotions and my sanity for that matter. You are right just as everyone else who has posted messages on this board about this. I refuse to be last in line when it comes to his priorities. I am the one that makes sure he has clean underwear on everyday. I am the one that makes sure he eats dinner every night. And I am the one that makes sure that he comes home to a clean house. And obviously my efforts don't measure up to his friends company every night. And I can no longer continue to be with a mean who cannot put me first in his life. Especially when we have gone to the lengths of buying a home together. Here's a kicker for you all, I just found out earlier this evening that he was planning on buying me an engagement ring for christmas! I told him that I didn't want to break his heart on christmas but that just wasn't the best thing he has thought of. And our relationship isn't strong enough right now for me to feel comfortable making that decision. And that I could not marry him, not only would I be marrying him but I would be committing to his "baggage" as well. Call that being a b*tch if you would like but I am so sour about this all that I am to the point where I am almost feeling vindictive and I don't care if I hurt his feelings, I want him to feel what I feel for, even if it's only for a moment. So it's time to get out of this relationship if I am not important enough for him to care about losing me. Thank you all for your advice and input on this, this has truly given me the strength to do what I feel is right for me. I will keep you all updated on the situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 12:02pm
If he doesn't already have the ring, or if he hasn't at least made a downpayment on it, his claim that he was "planning" to give you an engagement ring for Christmas is most likely a manipulative device to make you shut up and feel guilty. You are making the right decisions for yourself--be sure you have a way to get back the money you invested in the house when you leave.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 1:34am
I agree with what Geo said completely. Flapuppylove, your last post is very strong and absolutely correct. Good for you for recognizing that this isn't right and for recognizing that it's not what you'll accept. One thing though, you said, "And obviously my efforts don't measure up to his friends company every night.", your efforts shouldn't have to "measure up", this shouldn't be a contest and you shouldn't have to "measure up". He should want to be with you, period. He should care about and respect your feelings, period. But he doesn't. You deserve an appropriate, caring, respectful relationship; you shouldn't accept less.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 4:36pm
Well thank you all for your input on this topic, it has helped me tremendously, throughout this whole situation. As silly as it may sound, it gave me a little comfort in knowing that I wasn't being crazy or jealous about this. It was a logical situation for me to be upset about. I gave my ultimatum(sp?) and said that he needs to start making arrangments with the house, because I can no longer be in a relationship where I feel like I come last, especially when it comes to my feelings and what not. I told him that I have made every effort to respect his wishes, and have bent over backwards to make him happy in the relationship. And I was not going to do it anymore. I would be better off on my own than in a relationship where I get no respect in my own home, by the person who claims to love me so much. His response to everything was that he was very sorry I felt the way I felt, and that he does not want this to happen. He does not want to see me leave over this. (Like it was a big suprise!) He was shocked to see that I was at my breaking point and I could no longer continue putting my feelings last. He told me that he would do everything he could to keep me there, to keep our relationship together. I told him that I shouldn't have to threaten to leave him everytime there is something bothering me (even though this is the first time) before he actually realizes that I am not going to sit back and deal with it. I told him that I was going to start packing my things, and if he can actually show me that he cares enough to make this sacrifice to keep our relationship together, not only for me, but for US. And I SEE a change, not only with the friends, but with HIM also. Than maybe I will reconsider staying and giving this another go. But I will NOT be the only one working on it. He agreed he would do his part, and respect my wishes, and said he did care about how I felt about things, and that he was sorry for being so inconsiderate. I also convinced him during this process to attend the therapist with me, not because I want him to go, but because he THINKS it would help. Otherwise, as I still stand firm, I will leave. It will hurt, but it will be less stressful for me, if things don't take place like he says they will. We will see, but in the meantime most of my things are packed and I have arrangments ready to stay with a friend if everything falls through. (Two days ago, this happened) I have not seen the friends since then, we had a wonderful romantic evening out together, made love for the first time in almost two and half weeks, rented movies, and cuddled. I recieved and email at work still apologizing for everything, and apparently he has plenty more evenings like last night planned. He has not even mentioned the friends. I am not getting my hopes up by all means, because I don't want to be let down. But if things stay this way, I am sure things will get better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 7:04pm
I'm glad to hear that it's going well. Hope it stays this way. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 12:58am
Again, good for you for taking a stand for what you want and deserve, and for refusing to continue to accept what shouldn't be accepted. What you've said about his response is positive and hopeful, but I agree that getting your hopes up would be dangerous at this point. It's easy to say things will change, and it's even easy to make those changes for a little while, the proof will come with time, whether he continues to work on changes and having respect for you, whether he goes to and participates in counseling or not.


A book that might be good for you to read is "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis . It's a very insightful book that will teach you a lot about relationships and yourself, whether you're thinking you found the right guy, or whether you're not even looking for a guy at all!


Here's hoping for the best ~ keep us informed and congrats again on standing up for yourself!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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