Frustrated

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Frustrated
4
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 3:36am
I guess I need a place to ramble...I'm just about to crack! I've been married for 8 years and I have 2 kids. My husband is a music junkie and he recently found a band to play in. He's real good at being the front man. I feel like it's more important to him than we are. He has band practice on wed, shows on fri and sat and sometimes plays softball on thursdays. It's no wonder that he doesn't want to do anything with us on the weekends. He wants to sit on the couch all day long and watch tv. I don't like to watch tv and I want the kids to get some kind of exercise on the weekends versus being couch potatoes. He gets aggrivated with me b/c I want to be outside (we live in Hawaii so theres plenty to do and it's gorgeous here). I get aggrivated with him b/c he wants to be inside all day long. Oh, there's so much I could write here! I feel like I have been put on the back burner. I go to school full time and take care of our children and take care of everything dealing with the house (bills, shopping, cleaning, etc.) Yes, he works and brings home the bacon but besides that, he has absolutely no responsibilities. It's never a question of who is gonna watch the kids while he's out playing rock star, of course its gonna be me. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I cherish every moment I get to spend with them. I feel so put out, taken for granted and unappreciated and I have become an emotional basketcase. I can't sort through my emotions right now, I don't know if I am mad, or sad, or what! I cannot get through to him! I can talk to him until I'm blue in the face and his response is that 'You're not mistreated. You've got it made, what else do you want?"
I made plans for last night and his band called and asked him to play last night and I told him if he found a babysitter he could go because I already had plans (this took place on Monday night). I never make plans to go out so I wasn't gonna back down from my plans just b/c his band was invited to do a show. Then he asked me if I knew who could watch the kids and I said no. ( I don't we are in the military and I don't know that many people, or ones that I would trust at that) He asked me to call my friend and ask her and I refused b/c it was his responsibity to watch the kids that night and I wasn't gonna bail him out... I might as well have called to get someone to watch them so I could go out instead... or just stay home. He ended up asking his friend and made a big deal about the fact that I wouldn't do a favor for him. Well, he rushed home as soon as he was done playing that night, so I guess he got home around 11 or 11:30... Now, when I am at home with the kids, he doesn't make it home until 2, 3 maybe 4 in the morning because it's rude to leave when another band asks you to play. But hey, he will rush home b/c his friend is doing him a favor but his wife is chopped liver. I feel as if he has no courtesy towards me, who cares about how I feel, I am the wife. I dunno, I feel like he's acting like a single guy and if that's how he wants to act then maybe that's what he needs. Sorry this was so long...I could write a book.
Thanks!
~B
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
In reply to: redneckgrl001
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 9:41am

Was your husband that selfish and self centered before he took up his hobby?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
In reply to: redneckgrl001
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 1:43pm
You know, IMO, he has always been a selfish person. We had a lot of problems in our first 4 years and were separated for 1 year but worked things out. It has never been peaches and cream. I point out the fact that he is a selfish and mean person and he has a way of turning everything around on me and making me feel crazy... isn't that called 'crazymaking'? It took a while for me to realize he was doing this to me and now I am aware of it and I try to be strong.
I have asked him why he doesn't want to spend time with us. 'You're crazy, why would you say that?' is his reply. 'I spend time with you on the weekends and all you want to do is go to the beach or out somewhere' OR when we do do something as a family he has to drink, he doesn't usually get sloppy drunk while out with us but I get offended by the fact that he has to be drinking or drunk to spend time with us. Like he can't have fun with us unless he is drinking or that's the only way he can deal with us? I have asked him about this as well and he replies: "I like to drink and I only do it on the weekends (and at band practice) and it just so happens that the time I have to spend with you all (since I work all week) is on the weekend when I like to drink." He has gone on to say that he won't be my little church boy and that he cannot be that kind of person. I don't push him to go to church... I just ask for some QUALITY time... not leftovers.
I think it is hard for me to figure out exactly how I feel or what I am feeling or upset about because he mixes me up. He tries to tell me You are overreacting or you're too sensitive, you're not mistreated, you don't have to work you can do whatever you want. He doesn't realize that Housework, taking care of 2 children, full time college and everything in between really leaves no time for some R&R. Yes, I will go to the beach once a week or every two weeks for about an hour while the kids are at school, but that's my only relaxation time and I don't get it very often. Well, anyway, thanks for your response, I am glad to see that I am not crazy!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
In reply to: redneckgrl001
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 1:57pm

check this out. While I don't know the severity of what you've had to go through, you may find some validation for what you feel.


Edited 9/3/2006 2:03 pm ET by quenek
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: redneckgrl001
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 10:38pm
Welcome to the board, Redneckgirl001 ~


First of all, I completely understand how you feel, how frustrated, ignored and upset you are about counting last. Been there myself on most of those counts. But, at this point, I think I need more information and have questions before I can form an opinion about what's going on:

  • How long has he been playing in the band (how long has this been going on)?
  • You said he's always been selfish and that you were separated for a year but worked things out. What was the reason for your separation and how did those problems get resolved? What changes, compromises and agreements were made?
  • Drinking, military and Hawaii. My husband was stationed in Hawaii for a few years and tells me it didn't take long before he (and all the rest of his Navy buddies) were drinking every day. Is your husband drinking when he's with you or is he drinking every day regardless?
  • When you try to talk to him, your husband says you've got it made. Have you ever come back with the fact that he too has it made as he doesn't have any responsibilities beyond work? There are perks to each of your position, but you both still need to work as a team.
  • Have you talked to him about this when it's not a hot issue? Talking about it when things are good and easy is the best way to get resolution. Resolving things when you're in the middle of the hot issue isn't likely.
  • The term you used, "crazymaking" is one that's very typical in the abuse arena. Is your husband verbally or emotionally abusive (or physically, for that matter) or do you suspect he might be? The fact that you'd use that term makes me think your familiar with abuse.

    I'll be checking back for your response ~







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








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    does not change the facts"