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| Sun, 04-16-2006 - 1:09pm |
I have been reading the postings on this board but this is my first posting here. I have recently broke up with my bf finally. We have been togther for 2 yrs +, but the last 1 yr had been very unhappy. We were trying to hold on, break away for a few times but always end up together again. This is the first time we have not contact each other for more than 2 weeks. Initially, I was very sad. Cried very night. I am a bit more calm now but still very unhappy. Don't have the mood to go anywhere, stayed at home during weekends and find that there is no meaning in life. My circle of friends were his friends too, do not feel like going for any outings as I feel very self-conscious. Every time I meet up with friends, everybody is asking about him.
One of our friend tried to arrange for a meet up for the 2 of us to clarify any misunderstandings and to see if it is possible to get us back together again. This friend talks to both of us separately and found that we both still care about each other but just some communications break down. I agreed to the meet up. I thought that it will be good to clear any misunderstanding. However, as the date for meetup get closer, I am more worry that the unhappiness will return when I see him again. Not sure what to do. Do not have many friends I can talk to, just need to vent my frustration.

cherry1224,
My biggest advice to you would be not to let your friends get caught up and into your life. It's not their business or place to set up meetings and go back and forth between you two talking and getting stories. This is not the way to handle things or get clarity or closer on a situation.
If you want to find the meaning of life, take up a hobby, get involved into something that interests you. Get out of the ordinary. No one says that you have to hang with the same friends all the time. Make new ones. I know it's easier said then done, but getting out of the ordinary usually brings along out of the ordinary people.
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Edited 4/16/2006 2:32 pm ET by defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
I think it's waaaaaay too early for checking back in together, I think it's entirely unreasonable to think anything positive could come of it. You spent two years with your boyfriend, even though breaking up and moving on separately was the right thing to do, that doesn't mean your feelings for each other just drop off the face of the earth. Your feelings are subsiding, but it'll be a looong time before they're gone. Getting together now will only dredge up those feelings that are fading to the background and that will not be helpful at all. What it'll do is confuse you, make you hurt all over again and dramatically set your recovery back. I don't get how you think misunderstandings will be cleared up by meeting back up with your ex. You were together for two years, broke up and got back together several times, you've had plenty of opportunity to clear up misunderstandings; if that wasn't able to be accomplished when you were together, it certainly isn't going to magically happen on a meeting at this early, fragile and hurtful time. There's an article in our Information and Resources section that is very good at explaining why seeing an ex is not a good idea for a very long period of time after a break up:
LETTING GO OF HARMFUL RELATIONSHIPS
Don't let the title fool you, this information makes sense to any relationship that ends, harmful or not.
I agree with Defleppardgal about not letting your friends get involved in this. It's none of their business, not their place and it's not helpful. I'm sure this friend has very good intentions, but frankly, no one really knows how a relationship is except the two that are in it. I would thank her for her concern but ask that she stay uninvolved. I would also cancel this meeting.
I also think it would be a good idea to branch out from your current circle. If all your friends are mutual, it's certain that there are going to be some difficult times for you. Having more options -- more interests, activities and a broader friendship base -- will keep you out of the mix more often, give you more options and move you forward faster.
How old are you, Cherry?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Both of us are very headstrong, during our time together, everytime we try to discuss what each other want, we will get into huge arguement and both will feel very bad. This friend I mention is trying to be the middle man as sometimes 3rd party can help in handling relation crisis. This happens o a couple in our group. They were married but had bad arguement so much so that they almost get into divorce. This friend I mention set up a meeting with them and help them to understand each other better and now they are happily married even though they still have minor arguement.
What my friend hoping is that we can still be friends even though it doesn't work out. I do not know if it is possible but will be glad if I can afford not to lose this group of friends or him as a friend. We have been together for 2 yrs + but we have known each other for years. Most of our friends are mutual and have mixed together for very long.
I am coming to 40. Actually I think I am going through some mid life crisis, just lost my job and the relation as well. I think I may be a bit too old to try to get opinions from message boards but I really had no one to turn to listen to my frustration. Thanks for listening and any comments that come by.
Sweetie, all that is fine. You may be surprised at the caliber of responses you'll get on this board, the members are an incredible group of intelligent, insightful women. And we're not teenagers either, I'm 49 myself; divorced at 37, dated for the next eight or so years then back into my current marriage. I've been there, done that and understand. I'm guessing a member or two is in their late 20's, but primarily I'd say 30's at the least.
I asked your age because talking to a 40-year old about their two-year long ended relationship is a lot different than the talk you'd have with a 19-year old on the same subject. I'm sure you understand.
The thing is, Cherry, whether you can be friends with him or not remains to be seen, but two weeks after a break up is much, much, much too soon. That's the point you need to get. You're right to be concerned, you should be concerned -- it won't be a good thing.
Please feel free to stick around to vent, hash up your concerns and problems or work through this difficult time. We'll be here to listen, sympathize and offer some great suggestions and words of encouragement.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
28 yrs here. hahaha! Divorced at 22, D'oh, married again about 2 months ago. I agree though that mostly everyone here is older. Pretty much all the young 20 somethings go to the "Relationships in the 20's" board. They are welcome here, but I remember rolling my eyes at older people when they were trying to give me advice. hahaha! Yes I was a little s$@t for the most part.
I still stick to my guns about the friends staying out of it, but I can see how after two years hanging out with couples, married or not they would stick a nose in or two. So I know it's hard. I agree with cl-2nd_life in that regardless of anything else it's still too soon to meet him and talk things over. The more time you have to heal the more clearer your head will be when you see him again and the better for you decision you will make.
FYI, listen to cl-2nd_life, she knows what she's talking about and is always right. :) Good luck to you, keep your chin up and let us know all the new wonderful hobbies you are discovering.
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
I'm always right, eh? Now if you could just convince my husband and kids of that....oh yeah, and my boss....! If only - LOL! But then again, I don't think I'd care for the pressure of always having to be right....!
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Defleppardgal! Oh, and that whole young-something with the eye rolls? You made me laugh out loud! It's so true!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"