Frustrated!
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| Sun, 01-22-2006 - 12:38am |
Hi! My DH and I get along great. We have fun together, and we don't argue about much. He got layed off the first week of December. I got layed off a week later. He stays at home, playing on the computer, and doing whatever, while I hit the town, and applied to everywhere. I got a job by the end of the month as a Parts Sales Manager at an Auto Parts store. He, on the other hand, is still out of a job, and isn't hardly looking. He looks on the internet at MN workforce center almost everyday, and sees jobs, but he doesn't do anything about it!
It's getting frustrating. He knowns I'm frustrated, but I don't bother bugging him about it, because it just makes things worse. It's not that there isn't jobs. He's found some, and even told me about them. I ask if he's going to write the info down, to go or call, and he shrugs, and makes up an excuse and goes on about the what-ifs. He always assumes that the boss will be bad, or he won't like it, or the hours are wrong (I'm talking 1/2 hour off, not a different shift) He's being WAY too picky. He says he needs to visualize himself at a job, and think it over to see if he'd like it. He always comes up with an excuse.
We've been down this road before. When we were dating, he was unemployed for about 4 months. He only got the job he did, because I told him to go in and get an application. Otherwise, his version of going out to look for a job is driving around to find the place, look at the building, decide it's too big/small, hard to get at, what if I have to wait for the left turn light it's by. He doesn't even want to drive 20 minutes across town! He applied for a job on the other side of town, and the place even called and left a message telling him to come for an interview, and he ignored it! He wouldn't answer his phone, because he didn't recognize the number, so I checked the message, and he still wouldn't go! This is so frustrating! We have no health insurance. I should be able to rely on my DH to have a steady job incase something happens. What if I get pregnant? We're screwed! Any suggestions? Thank you for you time.
~Stephanie

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Hey there.
I don't really have a lot of ideas because I'm not sure that you can make someone do something that they don't want to do. However, I am wondering about the underlying cause of his lethargy in job seeking. Perhaps the lack of his motivation is a symptom of a bigger issue.
Could any of the following be an issue for him?
Depression
Doesn't like his profession
Low self esteem
What about his motivation levels when it comes to work which isn't job related? If he's got stuff to do around the house, does he remember it? If he's got something to sell, will he organise the advertising without prompting?
Though of course, it could be that he just doesn't want to work.....
BTW, I checked your profile and saw that you've got interest in special needs kids. I've got an 8yo autistic son and am about to start work as a teacher's aide at a local public school. (I may as well use all the skills I've picked up as a special needs mother and use them to help other children). Anyway, I think it's great that you've developed an interest in this field. Our 'unusual' kids have a tendency to make many people uneasy. What prompted you to become interested in this field?
Okay, so you knew when you married him he wasn't one to prioritize financial security or professional advancement....in short, you had to force him to go out and get the job he had, and you did the driving and filled out the paperwork...maybe not literally but figurately.
and now you're wondering why he's not out doing it on his own? Because becoming a husband doesn't change his values, his priorities, his stanards...it simply changes his options and yours.
As long as you can make it on your salary - he wont' work. H doesn't like work, he doesn't want to work - and being married means he doesn't have to work.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Hi! Thanks for your reply! Yes, he does deal with depression, and he does have low self esteem, although it's gotten better, it's definately still there. I do think it's a motivation problem. Around the house, he sees something, and says he'll do it later. Sometimes later could be a couple of weeks. With jobs, this costs him the job, because it's no longer vacant. He saw his sister today, and she was complaining about her roomate, who doesn't want to get a job, and I think her complaining got to him, because now he sounds more motivated. I hope he sticks with it.
I have a younger brother with Down Syndrome, so I already knew lots about special needs. In high school, I volunteered for Special Olympics for 2 years. I learned a lot more about the different types of children out there. I mostly worked with a blind boy, and an Autistic boy. They are very interesing. How high functioning is your boy? I bet he's cute! They all are! They have a way with wrapping you around their finger! I went to college (2 years) to be a Specaial Education Paraprofessional. I got a job right away. I told them I wanted elementary, since that's where my experience is, but I ended up in a high school. Wierd, because I'm only 20, so the kids aren't much younger than me! Anyway, I ended up getting let go. I didn't even do anything wrong! A child was not quite done recovering from surgery, and wasn't suppose to be allowed to walk yet. Another assistant let him, and I told her he wasn't suppose to be on his feet, and she got mad because I corrected her. Unfortunately for me, she was the supervisor's favorite, so I got let go at the end of my probationary period. I work at a parts store now, but I hope to be able to work in an elementary school, and start over. It's hard to get attached to the kids, and then leave. Good luck with your new job! I hope you like it.
~Stephanie
I'm not going to address the job issue cuz I really don't know what I can say to help that out. But I can address the baby issue because I have so BTDT.
A baby is only going to bring more work, more stress, and more excuses for your DH as to why he can't do other things. If you are worried about what will happen if you get pg, then make sure you won't get pg right now. I do realize that most methods aren't foolproof, but do what you can. I know the feeling of wanting a baby and thinking that then they'd grow up and be better and it'd all work out. Still a VERY long road to hoe.
I'm not telling you to never have kids or even when, just think about what would make the best sense with the reality you have.
Jen
Ok then. Is his depression totally under control? I've suffered from depression in the past and I can tell you that untreated you can barely get out of bed - let alone job hunt. Could this be an underlying cause of the problems? If so, perhaps he needs to address the depression again.
Do you know the causes of his depression and low self esteem? Has he done counselling?
regarding special needs, my son is considered to be moderately autistic. He's verbal (in an unusual kind of way), is very affectionate and has some amazing academic splinter skills. However, his social skills are extremely impaired. And yes he is cute. He's in a small mainstream public school (300 kids) and all the kids adore him. They totally accept him for who he is.
Good luck with getting back into elementary schools. My experience is also with younger kids, so I've gone as far as requesting years K, 1 and 2. (At least till my 6yo DD grows older and I gain more experience with older kids)
No, he's never gone to counseling in his life. When he was 8 years old he got molested by his 15 year old male cousin. this doesn't bother him anymore. He's able to talk about it, and he doesn't appear to have any problems with that. He's had lots of jobs in the past. He always quite a job to go find a better one. The only problem was, he never found a better one. He's looking for manufacturing. All the places he's worked at told him he's too slow, and he pays too much attention to detail. Most of the detailed jobs he hasn't done, and they require ___# of months experience. He's afraid to go back into certain manufacturing places because he's too slow. He's a hard worker, and he always goes to work once he gets a job. I think he just needs a boost of confidence to get him going.
I'm not sure if he's depressed, and doesn't feel like getting a job, or if looking and finding nothing is getting to him. How do they treat depression?
~Stephanie
Hi, Stephanie!
The doctor can give your husband some medicine for depression, and it's amazing the difference it can make. It takes a couple of weeks for it to reach the right level in the bloodstream, and sometimes one kind works better for a person than another kind, but it's definitely worth looking into. It sounds also as if your husband could benefit from job counseling, to help him find out what his skills are, and how to locate a job that focuses on his strengths rather than his weaknesses.
Yes, medication is what I take for depression. Geoteo is quite right about the amazing difference it can make. I'm now far more dynamic, less obsessive and much easier to live with.....oh, and no longer depressed :-)
Here's a link with symptoms of depression:
http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk/Depression_Information/symptoms.htm
**but just a warning - if he should choose this path, some antidepressants can play havoc with your sex drive. Some of the older style meds have terrible reputations for sex drives. He should discuss this with his doctor.
I also agree with the job counselling idea. It's a great idea.
I agree that addressing his depression could make a huge difference. I'd also like to point out that it would seem that the molestation he suffered as a kid is indeed "bothering" him. Depression is very, very typical for rape/molestation victims. While depression meds will make him feel better, they won't resolve the underlying issue that's causing it. Counseling/therapy going hand in hand with medication seems very wise in your husband's case. Medication will mask the depression symptoms until therapy can resolve them, hopefully making further medication unnecessary.
Another thing to consider is that men typically have their identity and masculinity pretty wrapped up in their ability to provide for their families. Being without a job can be very devastating, hit their self worth pretty hard, and the longer they go without jobs the lower their self worth gets, which makes job hunting harder...and the cycle continues. In your situation, where you were both laid off then you got another job pretty quickly, that could further his negative feelings about himself and his ability. Not that you should leave your job or anything like that, lol, it's just something to bear in mind.
I would suggest that route to start with, hopefully you'll find that will resolve the issue and it won't end up being a situation where he simply isn't all that interested in working -- that would be a whole 'nother problem entirely.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Stephanie,
People operate in patterns. You can't see thier patterns if you're always trying to figure out why they do what they do.
You can see the patterns if you simply look at "what they do" - without projection, assumption and intention thrown in the assessment.
You state that he's always quitting his job for a better job but never finds one.
That's a pattern....as in he wants "better" in terms of a job - but has not defined in what way a job will be better by his interpretation. Does that mean more pay? Does that mean more challenging work? Does that mean more production requirement? Or does that mean lesser production required with more focus on detail?
He's in a really potentially "catch 22" - not an unsolvable issue - but an extremely familiar one. My son is there as well. And you can't force someone out of it - till they're ready to do what it takes within them to get out.
It sounds like your husband as minimal education (HS or GED level) and he has no higher education. He's lack some social and presentation skills, and he's thus relegated to "manual labor fiels, or he's relegated to factory type work where production is the measure of success.
It's because he lacks more skills - that he can't get a job that allows his "attention to detail" to be appreciated and better paid. HE lacks social skills possibly, he lacks self-esteem probably, and he lacks the knowledge (not ability per se) to work smarter, not necessarily harder.
My son was in this position. Still is, but he's slowly seeing the reality. But he couldn't see the reality - when we were all trying to save him from the reality. In your case, you're in a catch 22 - you're married to him and you're going to cohabitate with "his reality"......and it's going to impact you.
Brief recap of my boy - so you can see if similarities exist:
He has 3rd year HS education, he primarily took convenience store, and back of the kitchen jobs......and he worked long hours for minimum wage. Even with overtime and always willing to work other people's shifts - he couldn't manage to pay for his own apartment, put gas in an old beater car, pay for insurance and grocieries. So he got a roommate....only he didn't judge character, so much as he judged his roomie's paycheck and ability to pay. HE didn't realize 'ability to pay" was directly related to "willingness" to pay.
So for awhile, he worked his 80 hours a week at two minimum wage, manual labor jobs - often walking two and from the jobs because he lacked gas money. Living in more of an apartment than he could afford, and turning his money for rent over to his friend......he came home one day to find out the friend had taken everythihng in the apartment and made off with it - and never paid the bills. Apparently told he landlord that my son's running but without fuel car could be taken as payment, so the landlord took the car earlier that afternoon.
It took alot of intervention and financially assistance form his grandmother to get the car away from the landlord - and that mean his grandma had to pay his back due 3 months rent on an apartment too big for just him, that he never would have been in without his buddy to begin with.
For awhile, he lived out of his car, and he finally got laid off one job when the economy went south, and he lived in this very chaotic and uncertain world - from the time he was 17 until he was 23.
He was always LOOKING for a better job, but the jobs he got weren't better...they were just different.
He's now 24....and he's finally been willing to get GED tutoring at the local library, and take his GED. I'm sure he'll pass, if he puts his mind to it - as his intelligence tests from school were always off the charts.
When he gets that, he's stil really not going to be eligible for much better of a position than he's got in terms of pay - but in terms of potential benefits and longevity - he'll be much better off. He's planning to apply at schools and with city offices for janitorial or manual labor work so that he makes a little more than minimum wage, has insurance, and paid sick and holidays. That'll be a small step up in his daily existence, but it'll be a floor or two up in his potential for a future - becuase he'll be able to put away money for his future in a retirement package.
He's ocmpeting for these types of jobs, fortunately for him, against people not much younger than him, and often older than him. He has a bonus in that he has no wife or children to support, and so he can afford to work for what they offer, put away a significant portion of it rather than live more comfortably at the present, and eventually he'll have a lower-income moderate lifestyle where he's not living in rat infested housing.
You're saying "why not rescue him from this" - long story, we tried.......it's called enabling....been around that block myself........this is just "how it is".
Accepting what is for what it is without saying "how could you have stopped it getting this way" goes along way to changing what is!
So your husband is continouosly wanting a better job, but he hasn't defined better, and he's lacking in some education or vocational skills to allow that to happen. He's become intimidated by what he cannot do - produce more - because he affiliates that iwth being told "you're too slow/stupid". He's got to learn to work smarter, not harder...becuase he's working as hard as he can and getting nowhere but further behind. And he's got to accept what he odens't understand is the method of sucess...and that success isn't found situationally.
That's his pattern.....all his life he's wanted more, he's worked "harder" doing what he always does thinking it'll result in "better"....it won't.
So medication that helps his depression is a good idea. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. The drugs if taken on the prescribed dosage/basis - do NOT make him more active, more hyper, more sensible, rational, realistic, or smarter. But they do balance out the chemical imbalance - so that whatever level of rational intelligence and reasonable thinking he does have as pattern - can be accessed easier by him.
What youo're dealing with, from the sound of it, is someone that's been clinically depressed for years. As in, since he was molested. So he' become accustomed in behavior to the "patterns of depression" in his behavior and responses. So this is really all he knows "how to be or how to act" he's comfortable in it - the chemical rebalance will do him some good, but he's going to have to get into some counseling in order to get down to the fact that "the past is in the past, it's going to have to be embraced, so that he can make of himself who he wishes to become"...rather than blame or ignore the past while it haunts him subliminally - and has it keeping him where he is.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
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