frustrated gf of 6 yrs

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2007
frustrated gf of 6 yrs
28
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 11:42am

I'm new to these boards and I would like to start my participation by posting my frustrated rant in hopes of finding other women like myself and maybe commiserating.

I've been with DBF for 6 years now. We started dating 2nd year of college, then all through grad school (long distance for 2 years) and have been living together for the past 1.5 years since we moved to the same city. Things are great. He's a wonderful guy. He doesn't have any commitment issues. He tells me all the time that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, etc... Moving in together wasn't a big deal. Neither of us perceived it as a "trial period" to decide if we want to be together. It was just a natural progression of our relationship and it's been working out great for the most part.

Here's the thing though... I'm getting very impatient and frustrated waiting for him to "pop the question." I'm frustrated to the point of starting to resent him. At least once a month I start thinking about it and get so upset that I cry for a few hours and then can't fall asleep.

I know there are very good mitigating circumstances, like he just got his first real job in October so finances are a consideration, but I don't need an engagement ring, or a fancy wedding. My father has outright stated that he's paying for the wedding. My perception is that DBF is simply being lazy. He's putting his new career ahead of our relationship and it's really pissing me off. Every once in a while I get really snippy at him about it. (Is snippy a word?) Last month he actually called me in the middle of one of my "episodes" and heard me crying so I told him what I was upset about and he just said "you shouldn't be upset about it, things are great, we're obviously going to get married." That just pissed me off more. I really don't want to be one of those girls who forces the guy to marry them, but I understand how some women get to that point. I know that if I gave him an ultimatum, he would propose tomorrow. I don't think he's scared of marriage or commitment. He's just being a bum!

The proposal is supposed to be an exciting, happy moment in one's life. For me, it'll be a relief from the pain of waiting, and that's really a shame.

I'm getting really worked up over it just writing this post. Anyone out there in the same situation?

Pages

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 12:34pm

No, not in the same situation, but my main question is on reading your post is, are you guys not TALKING about this kind of stuff? It seems to me that in a good relationship with good communication, you'd know what page the other person was on and not be having to stress about this.

So, why is this not something you can just have a conversation with him about? Or am I reading your post wrong and you do talk about this? If the latter, what has your BF said about timing and the fact that finances are not an issue so far as you are concerned?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2007
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 12:56pm

Sheri,

At first I didn't want to talk to him about it because I thought I was being silly and impatient and it would happen "any time now." And as I said, I didn't want to be the nagging girlfriend. I in no way think that talking about him will scare him off or anything. The few times we did talk about it, he made it clear that he wants it to be a total surprise, and talking about it would ruin it. He's very traditional in this respect and takes it personally if I even joke about proposing to him or something like that.

The first time he got a real clue as to how much it was really bothering me was last month when he called me and we briefly talked about it. Again, we didn't go into specific details like setting deadlines or anything because I still don't want to push him too hard. I want the proposal to be special for him as well since it obviously meant a lot to him as well. That's the dilemma. During that conversation, his position was still that it's so obvious that we're going to get married, I should just be patient and not talk about it b/c that'll spoil the surprise. I really don't care about being surprised at this point though, and I told him that there's probably no way he can even surprise me anymore and his reply was "that's not true, you can always be surprised."

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 1:21pm

Ok...talking about the timing of the proposal seems like a non-issue to me. Yes, it's important, but it's really small potatoes in the whole scheme of things! The proposal will last for a few minutes, your *marriage* will last (hopefully!) for the rest of your life! It's easy enough to make the proposal a surprise, but it's really not the issue, IMO.

So I'm talking about is, why aren't the two of you having regular discussions/ conversations about being *married*, what that will be like, how you'll handle the important things, what he feels needs to happen in his life before he feels comfortable being married, stuff like that? Big picture issues, not the proposal and wedding.

An ivillage member I admire greatly (who happens to be male) has often said that it's important that a couple understand these points about each other:

What does marriage mean to you?
What do you need to have accomplished in your life BEFORE you commit to marriage?
What other goals and priorities do you have for your life over the next 1 to 5 years?

Have the two of you talked about these things?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2007
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 1:46pm

Yes, we have talked about all these things as well as buying a house, children (how many, when, their education), jobs, relocating for jobs, family, traditions, etc... I don't really care about the proposal in so much as it gets us to the ultimate goal of *marriage* which is what I'm really excited about. I don't care about the proposal, the ring, wedding or honeymoon. I haven't had my wedding dress picked out since I was 5. I have absolutely no image of a "perfect wedding" in my head. We've been together for a long time and we've faced a lot of difficult situations together: finding jobs, rejection, death in the family, serious depression, etc... not all these things were easy to handle, but we did it and we made it through as a stronger couple.

You may think then "what's the rush to get married?" We already live together, and (mostly) share finances (we haven't consolidated our accounts). We don't quibble over splitting everything 50/50 because we know that in the long run it really doesn't matter. There were periods where I was employed and he wasn't, so I supported him. I'm currently changing jobs, so for a little while he'll be supporting me, and neither of us cares. So why even worry about marriage?

To me it's more of a practical issue as well as a social one. Right now, we have no legal standing with respect to one another. If he was in the hospital, the doctor couldn't legally tell me about his condition because I'm technically not family. A few times he asked me to make a few calls for him to Cobra or other official issues to help him out, and no one would talk to me. Consolidating our accounts and other financial issues also become much easier once you get married.

It's also painful to be called a "girlfriend" after 6 years and going through a lot together. We bought a car recently and we went to the dealership together and the dealer started out saying "oh, this must be your lovely wife" to which DBF said "no..." then the dealer said "fiance?" again a slight pause and "no... this is my girlfriend." Maybe it's petty, but that little exchange was very hurtful.

And I know that I should be more forthcoming with him about all this, but a part of me is really trying to calm myself down and not nag him into it. It's just getting increasingly difficult to avoid a confrontation.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 1:57pm

How on earth is having a calm conversation (or more likely, a series of conversations over time) with him about things like the practical aspects of being married and how important those things are to you considered "nagging"???? I don't get that.

And I'm still not seeing that you've had conversations about things like what he feels he needs to accomplish before getting married.

It seems to me that if the two of you talked about that kind of stuff and you understood exactly where he was coming from and he understood you, you would be CALM about the proposal issue--it wouldn't be an issue, basically. Stuff like the car dealership incident wouldn't phase you in the least.

If you really find it hard to talk to him about these things without it escalating into a "confrontation", then perhaps couples counseling would be a good idea.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 2:01pm

People do things differently, and you dont really necessarily have to do the fairy tale proposal thing if you dont want.. For us: we were talking about marriage for two years before we decided to get married.. there was no formal proposal as such.. he told me he wanted to get married, i said the same and we decided on which year, that was it. Then for another gf of mine, her BF who is european kept telling her that he didnt believe in marriage but if she proposed he would say yes.. So after waiting for 5 years she proposed, he said yes, they got married and now she is pregnant.. So things work out differently for different people.. You just have to see what works for BOTh of you.

I think that your BF sounds like the type who goes all out and buys a fantastic ring and does a fanstastic proposal.. so maybe he is taking his time over that. I understand it can be frustrating for you.. but in a way, if that is who he is, then maybe you have to indulge in his little gig and wait to be swept off my feet..

OR you could take matters in your own hands and propose!!

OR you could give yourself a deadline, say 6 months, and if he hasnt brought up marriage or proposed then you can talk to him about it openly. A deadline will probably set your mind at ease because it wont leave you guessing all the time. If it bothers you that much you'll definitely have to act on it at SOME point.. Just wait a bit longer before you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2007
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 2:15pm

Let me clarify, I don't think talking to him about the practical aspects of being married is nagging. We have talked about many of them. I think that talking to him about being upset that he hasn't proposed yet is nagging. He has made it clear, on several occasions, that he finds talking about engagements unromantic and he didn't want to talk about it.

I know that he doesn't understand how upset I am, and that was intentional on my part. I thought that if I held it in for a little while, he'd just propose on his own and I'd never have to bring up how neurotic I got. One part of me thinks that I'm being totally unreasonable and I should just not care about the act of getting married, and that part has kept me from revealing my true feelings on the subject to DBF. I am planning on talking to him about it soon (but then there's that little voice inside my head that says "you've waited this long, it's bound to happen soon, just wait a little longer...") AH!

You've brought up some good points Sheri, I don't know what stage of a relationship you're in, and no offense, but I think this is the sort of thing only someone in a similar situation can sympathize with.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 2:29pm

Alrighty, I give up, I can't seem to make my point to you, because talking about the *engagement* or telling him you're upset that he hasn't proposed is not, not, NOT what I'm talking about!

In any event, you are mistaken in thinking that because I'm not in this situation NOW, that I never have been. I was with my ex-husband for 5 years before we got married so I definitely have BTDT ;-). And I'm just sayin', focus on understanding where he's coming from with respect to his readiness to be married (again, NOT the proposal), it will help!!!!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2007
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 2:29pm

Ingie2004,

Thanks for your reply. There are definitely different styles of proposals and each couple finds one that works for them. I had several friends get engaged and married in the last year and each did it in their own way. One of my friends bought her own ring because she knew exactly what she wanted and her fiance was more than happy to let her handle it! My bf and I obviously have different styles and that's causing some problems here. I know he wants it to be special, and he's probably trying to plan something great, I just think he should realize that his dedication to the process is upsetting me. And I've told him as much but it didn't seem to have changed his plans.

I have set a deadline for myself to talk to him openly about it, the problem is that it keeps moving. As the deadline approaches I think "well, it's going to happen soon, maybe if I wait another month..." And then special events come and go (birthdays, anniversaries, milestones like getting a job, moving, etc..) and I think "maybe he's waiting for this particular event..." It's not a fun game to play.

I think if I proposed, he'd be upset. I've mentioned the idea to him, and he was less than thrilled. I think if I actually did it, he'd say "yes, now wait for me to propose to you" :)

As of right now, I have the conversation planned for March 1.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 2:57pm
Hi Anna
yes, I can see that he'd get upset if you proposed.. he definitely sounds like the "sweep you off your feet" kind of guy. If you keep postponing your deadline then that means it's not a real deadline.
I suggest that you set a firm deadline.. which is why I suggested something well into the future. Set the deadline and then let it go. Dont think about it everyday. It's bound to create tension and unnecessary pressure on both of you. If the deadline rolls around and he hasnt proposed you need to take more proactive steps, regardless of how he feels about it. You have made your feelings known, and he has made his feelings known to you... so give each other some time now, and then revisit the situation.

Pages