Frustrated housewife

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Frustrated housewife
16
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 10:13pm
Hey everybody,I find myself in a situation that I don't know if I should keep quiet or scream.My husband and I moved to a new neighborhood a couple of years ago.To make a long story short my husband is the type of man that has to be friends with everyone.So he introduced his-self to a couple that lived next door to us at the time.Well i'm not the type of person to just walk right up to someone and start a conversation.Anyway he got to know the couple before I did.Well even though he knew them a little longer than I did he seems to think it makes a big difference.Well needless to say I've decided not to be friends with this couple anymore for many of reasons.#1 I found out a conversation took place behind my back about me.Which put me in an awkward position with this couple.But my darling husband doesn't seem to think so.#2 I also found out that a comment was made about me and my husband didn't come to my defense.So with all that being said I chose to terminate the friendship.My husband is still friends with this couple he invites them to family functions etc.etc.Not caring that it puts me in an awkward position because I've chosen not to be their friend.I'm still courteous when they come around but that's as far as it goes.My question is this do i have the right to be upset with my husband about this?I feel like my feelings don't matter and he cares more about their friendship than our marriage.It really infuriates me to no end.I just want to scream or beat the hell out of something.Anyway if anyone has some kind of advice for me please let me know a.s.a.p.Thanks in advance. Sincerely,Tami

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 1:53am
Tami it sounds like a very uncomfortable situation you're in. However before I comment, I'd love some context regarding conversations that were had. What type of things were said about you, and how did you find out?
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 5:14am
Hey Aisha,this is sort of a long story I'll try to shorten it as much as possible.My husband and I had received custody of my husband's cousin's daughter. To make a very long story short when she came to live with us.My life was full of turmoil I was on the brink of divorce you name it I was going through it.Anyway she and I clashed big time she had her personal issues and I had mine.Well she's now 19 soon to be 20 the situation begins with her.Talking to the neighbor about issues she had with me.So instead of the neighbor bringing it to my attention she tells my husband.Now keep in mind my husband and I haven't been getting along for quite some time.Because of the issues I've had with this child among other things.So when she told him it just added fuel to the fire.Anyway he reluctantly decides to tell me what they discussed.And he proceeded to tell me not to say anything to either one of them about what he told me.So that put me in a very awkward position with both of them.Now the other thing I found out later on that the neighbor told the both of them that she thought I was stuck up.Now what I don't know is if she said this before or after getting to know me.Well I decided that it didn't matter because she should have come to me woman to woman and told me.Instead of telling my husband and then pretending that everything was fine when it was far from it.Needless to say my husband and daughter are still friends with this couple.Despite the fact that they know that I'm not comfortable being around them anymore.They don't seem to care one bit but I continue to be courteous to them.Since my husband loves them like family I just decided to take myself out of the equation.Now do you see why I'm so frustrated over this?If you were me what would you do?I'd love to know because I'm all alone in this.Thanks for helping until next time. Tami
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 6:44pm
Welcome to the board, Tami-73 ~ sorry I missed your post last night!


It's hard to have an opinion about this issue without understanding what it was that your step daughter told the neighbor. It could have been entirely appropriate for her to have spoken to your husband about it rather than you, but without knowing what it was about, it's impossible to say. You may be noticing that detailed explanations work a lot better than abbreviated ones on the boards. When there isn't a lot of information given, it's impossible to form an opinion without making assumptions about the situation, and since assumptions are rarely right, the thoughts and advice you get that are based on assumption usually are wrong, and are very different than what those same people would say if they fully understood.


A couple of things that I don't understand are:

  • Why would a public agency would award you custody when your marriage wasn't secure, and if it was a family decision, again, why would they send this girl to live with a couple in what was already a strained environment and why would you be willing to let someone move in when you were already on the verge of divorce?
  • How long ago did this girl move in, what issues were you having in your marriage, and how were they resolved?
  • Do your neighbors know you're angry and upset with them?


    Without knowing more, I'd say it's not okay for your husband to invite people to family events when these are people he knows you are having problems with and don't want to be around. I don't know why he'd want to do that, knowing it would upset you, cause problems in your marriage and ruin the family event for at least you, and probably all involved. It comes down to respect, consideration and communication and compromising with you rather than just going forward without gaining your approval first. I also don't understand why your neighbors would come, even with his invitation, knowing that you would not be happy and presumably that the evening would be uncomfortable and strained for you as well as them. From what I understand so far, I'd say bowing out of the event was your right to do, you can't control what he does, you can only control and make decisions for yourself. You have the right to choose whether or not to attend.


    I hope you'll give us more info ~







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 01-13-2006
    Tue, 09-05-2006 - 1:14pm

    tami-73,


    Hi there, I just wanted to comment on a couple of things in your last post.

    Defleppardgal

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 08-29-2006
    Tue, 09-05-2006 - 3:38pm
    Hey Cl,this is a very long story that I was trying to be brief about.First of all the conversation that took place.Was basicly about the way I was treating my step-daughter at the time.She was basicly venting her frustrations and getting advice from our neighbor.I admitted that I was in the wrong for my actions toward her.But what I didn't appreciate was the fact that she could have vented to anyone else.But she chose to pick someone we both knew and that put me in a very awkward position.I get the fact that she was upset I just don't think she should have put the neighbor in our personal business.With that being said I chose to discontinue the friendship.And just let them continue to be friends with her and my husband.And the fact that I was tired of hearing my husband brag about how they were friends first.I'd rather just walk away even though it bothers me to no end.But I guess I brought it on myself,right?You also wanted to know how she came to live with us under these strained circumstances.Well no one but my husband and I at the time knew that our marriage was in trouble.My husband is the type of man that puts whatever he thinks is most important to him at the top of his to-do-list.And during that time her circumstances took preference over our marriage problems.And of course I really grew to resent him for it.Even though what he did for her was a very good thing.But it didn't excuse the fact that our marriage was put aside in order for her entire existence to change.I felt like he chose to put all of his energy into making her life better and no energy into fixing what was broken in our marriage.And up until this very day he still puts her and everyone else before our marriage.And that's why things continue to be strained between us.I know I probably sound like a jealous selfish person.But I've been dealing with this for so long that I don't know how to not be full of resentment,anamosity,jealousy the list goes on.I hate feeling this way but my heart is so broken.And I don't know how I'm going to pull myself out of this vicious cycle.Well with all that being said I hope I 've cleared up what I left out on the last board.Thanks again for your help. Tami
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 08-29-2006
    Tue, 09-05-2006 - 4:16pm
    Ok Defleppardgal,I hear you loud and clear I know how I treated this kid was dead ass wrong.I admitted that to her and we've since moved on.I know she had every right to talk to whom ever she wanted to.My only hang up was who she chose to vent to. The neighbor and I were getting pretty tight when all of this happened.I never said I didn't like my neighbor.As a matter of fact I never brought the issue to her because my husband told me not to.I know I've been pretty damn selfish through out this entire ordeal.But how would you be if you were on the verge of divorce?And your husband put your whole existence on hold to help someone out.And acted like he didn't care if we resolved what was wrong with the marriage.How would you have handled that?I'm not excusing my behavior by any means I know what my husband chose to do was very honorable.I just don't like the way I was pushed to the back burner.There's alot more to this story and I don't have enough time to tell you.But trust me I understand all of your points and I appreciate your words of wisdom.Thanks for setting me straight and by the way I'm not stuck up by any means. Tami
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 01-13-2006
    Tue, 09-05-2006 - 4:38pm

    tami-73,


    Just another side note.....or two.


    <<First of all the conversation that took place.Was basicly about the way I was treating my step-daughter at the time.She was basicly venting her frustrations and getting advice from our neighbor.I admitted that I was in the wrong for my actions toward her.>>


    For a moment take a step back and look at the bigger picture of what SHE has been through.

    Defleppardgal

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 01-13-2006
    Tue, 09-05-2006 - 4:48pm

    tami-73,


    I really didn't mean to sound harsh or offend you with my post (or the last one which I'm sure you've read by now I think we posted at the same time) I'm so sorry that it did.

    Defleppardgal

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 08-29-2006
    Tue, 09-05-2006 - 10:34pm
    Hey Defleppardgal,no offense taken you were right about everything you were saying.You kept it real and I appreciate that.I needed and objective opinion and you were absolutely right.Anyway I thank you for your insight and I'll consider what you said about talking with my neighbor.Just one more little minor detail after I moved I tried my best to keep the lines of communication open.But I was the only one doing the calling and my neighbor didn't call me once.That's when I decided to just let the short lived friendship go.As for my husband he'd keep in touch with them.But they would only call him if they needed to borrow money or for him to do something for them.In my book that's not what friends are for.On that note I'll say thanks again I'm sure we'll chat again soon. Sincerely,Tami
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 08-29-2006
    Tue, 09-05-2006 - 11:14pm
    Hey Dlg,I just read your comments I must have read the last one first.Anyway let me be clear I wasn't embarassed that the neighbor knew our business.What I didn't like was the talking that was taking place behind my back.And everyone was pretending that things were ok when in fact they weren't.Anyway the situation is neither here nor there my step-daughter had it rough in her 19 years of living.But everything she's gone through has made her a much stronger and better person.We could have used some extreme counseling in the beginning.But of course hind sight is 20/20 you'll be glad to know she was a honor roll student straight through high school.She graduated and she's getting ready for college this fall.So there is a silver lining after all for this cinderella story.Well that's about it on this subject.I just thought I'd give you a little more feedback.I'm sure we'll chat again in the future. Tami

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