A game plan for change
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| Mon, 04-25-2005 - 1:10pm |
DH and I got to talk a lot last night. It started with almost a fight as this was a VERY long weekend for me due to the San Deigo Grand Nationals Tournament. It's a really long and involved story that I won't try to explain on here because it won't make sense to anyone who hasn't been deeply entrenched in the martial arts. But we survived it needless to say, and it spurned some good conversation. So here's the game plan:
DH goes back into therapy. He's realized (through some things that happened this weekend) that he still has a lot of shame and guilt issues that he wasn't letting the therapist see. He's going to call, make some more appointments, and open up more.
We're going to try to find a normalcy for a year for us. This means things like taking one full day to be together and do nothing but that - shut out the outside world, etc. We're going to take 1 night during the week to sit down and talk, or play a board game or something and get back in touch with the good side, rather than stress out about money or transportation or things like that. Those are all solvable problems.
He's actually talking about getting a second job, but we've put that on hold for now. Of course, he still can if he wants to, but I think we'll have NO trouble getting by after the first month I have at this new job. My paycheck alone will pay the mortgage and that will give us his to get us outta credit card debt a bit so we can afford a new car, rather than only having 1 paycheck a month to pay the bills.
I talked to him about me letting go of some responsibilities and him picking up the slack. I need to let some pressures go and trust that he'll be there for them, rather than pampering him and making his emotions one of my stressors. He agreed, so I'll be letting go of some things.
I suggested couples counseling, but he's not ready for that yet. He's open to books and such to read and talk about together.
- jay

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I'm the first to say that I got a miracle. That said, I put plenty of people thru hell while I reap the benefits of my life now - which is heaven on earth as I see it.
One day....I was entitled, emotionally driven, illogical, I was unrealistic in my expectations, over obligated, underable to fulfill responsibliites...and that "allowed" me to drink...which before that it was anorexia, bulemia, overspending, overshopping, over cleaning, oversexing, over marrying - you name it.
But it was all spurred on by "feelings". guilt, shame, anxiety, fear....a whole raft of feelings piled together, unexamined, with no delineation. carry neough "emotional baggage" and you can't go anywhere but down.
With my "entitlement".....I'd dragged alot of people down trying to get out of them waht i wanted, needed and felt I deserved........to heck with what they needed or wanted or thought or felt. I really at the time "believed I cared about them" - but the reality is I viewed them as a source of option, opportunity, diversion, distraction, providership, or "independence"...and the second what I got out of them required something of me I was "outta there".
I put my back against a wall........in becoming a drunk with no family, friends, options, reputation of positive nature, education, or opportunity...and I worked my way outta that hole.
The "sobering up" was a result of being told I was being shipped to an out of state facility with no hope of release...and knowing my husband and mother were serious and had had enough.
I immediately came to a startling conclusion - that my life wasn't a mess because of them....but because of me....no more victim, all sorts of empowerment and the chase for a great life was on.
Very few people that were in my life then are now....they didn't like me doing what I was doing, but we all thought in the same patterns and processes and once I became focused, logical and self-responsible....we didn't have much in common.
There are a few people that were on the fringes of my life by default in my dysfunctionality - that today we are close and bonded and very attuned. Those people weren't in my life then by choice, and rarely affiliated. What I did turned them off....but my insecurities, doubts, fears, and anger at life were apparent to them and that was appalling and terrifying simultaneously and they wanted as a little to do with me as possible.
Those people were instrumental in "me becoming me"....at a time when "being what I thought others expected and needed" out of fear, guilt, shame, anger, and remorse and regret were the original destinations of choice.
Like good mother birds...they wanted meto "fly and soar"....and they pushed me out of my comfort zone...but they didn't "fall with me"......Ikept looking up and flapping - and that's called flying. I'd have never done it without them taking that approach.
They loved me enough to want the best for me as I determined it to be...with an awareness that "I" was incomplete, insecure, and that my modus operandi was one of fear driven self-perception of inferiority and inadequacy. The stood back far enough to allow me to determine y own wants, needs values, goals, priorities, boundaries and standards....while I was very aware that their input was available for the asking...but not just at my convenience, for the benefit of me as if they were a vending machine and I was chunking in quarters.
Those balanced, mature, rational, sane, successful, focused, self-aware, self-responsible people were who I looked to as role models - they were consistent and congruent.........and that first role model was my deceased father...who even in his death, was a role model for life.
Real love is wanting that person to be who they want and need....so that needs are met appropriately, anxiety is eliminated, guilt is no more, and that anger dissipates. Love is wanting the best for them as they determine it to be...with the willingness and self-discipline tos tand back and let them determine what that is.
Love doesn't give self-esteem.......love doesn't inspire self-confidence.....love doesn't allow for success. Love is the intangible ingredient in life that makes it sweeter and more delightful....but too much love is smothering and it doesn't allow you to live up to your potential, or fulfill your needs, or expand your horizons, but that's not really love....that's the most carniverious form of usery available, but that's just my estimation.
Stand back....watchin somenoe blossom and emerge into who they want and need, that allows them to reach the inner core of their being and be transformed for life......is definitely an experience worthy of watching, adn very few get the chance. If you stand back far enough - you might get to. Stand too close, and you might eliminate that possibility for him altogether.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Erin -
While I appericate your feedback and your experience, I am here seeking support or some tanigable game plan to help us get back on our feet. Could you be more specific in the parts of the plan you disagree with?
Oh - forgot to include part of the plan includes him getting a schedule for Ken Po and sticking to it and me finishing up my album and jumping on some new vocal leads I've received over the weekend.
- Jay
- J. Darling
Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr
"The greatest relationships are those in which the desire for one another greatly outweighs the need for each other." Dahli Lama
Great partnerships as based in equality - which is inspired by respect, admiration, and acceptance of "who this person is right now"....and that isn't possible to do until who this person is right now - is who THEY WANT TO BE BY THEIR OWN EFFORTS, DEFINITIONS, MEANS, AND STANDARDS.
Till then, they're putting on an act, disguising themselves, diversity being utilized to avoid issues.....and there is no way to know an "actor" except in a "role".
So.....this is very simple...and it doesn't require either of you to separate or disassociate. But it requires each of you to step back adn take responsibility for personal freedom and awareness.
Whatever it is that he requires of himself to be balanced, serene, secure - so that living up to obligations, and fulfilling responsiblities, while pursuing interests successfully, and interacting per his needs and requirements with others is what he can do "all at once"........without resentment, anger, fear, or regret at a core level - not just frustration or joy at a situational vacuum...........he needs to do it.
I'm a huge proponent of the "great single life" that each of you created prior to meeting still be very much intact and almost virtually unchanged in order to be "together as adults'. With children, you'd each make concessions and compromises out of prioritization on parenthood over other things on a personal level.......
But at the core level....people do waht they want to do because they want to do it. Get that statement and dissect it. IF people say "well, I wouldn't have done this except"...the reality is they wanted to do what they did and did do what they wanted to do - they didn't get the result and the result is what they'd like eliminated or alleviated based on a justification.
But there is no "good reason" to commit murder...and there is "no good reason" to be abusive, rude, selfish or dismissive at the base and most elementary definition. Tehre's plenty of excuses and justifications that people provide for doing it...but the reality is they did what they wanted to do, that teir values justified them doing, and now they don't like the results.
In short, they didn't start with the end in mind...they started with instant gratifiation as a goal - got it and now the long-term ramification isn't pleasant - someone else handle this becuase "I" did not sign up for this when I went and got my rocks off doing what I ddi a few minutes ago. If you can think "oopsie" you've got the concept. Everybody wants to get laid...nobodywants to get pregnant. But if you don't think about that prior to getting laid....lots of people end up pregnant.
So, he needs to determine for himself what will allow him to gain self-respect, acceptance, understanding, and responsibility. YOU cannot do that for him.
It's very helpful if you outline precise what you expect......vs. require (they're two separate things) in order for him to remain in your life. Outline it superficially and you'll end up fighting eternally. Outline it existentially - and you'll never have any issues to resolve - because everything will speak for itself and there will be no excuses accepted.
And if one of those things is "become a complete person" - so that he's with you out of desire fo ryou as a person...not desire for the benefits of having you and your abilities in his life...then stand back.......once you tell him...and let him become that complete person. YOu can't do it for him.
If you need a tangible example....plenty of enablers think it is their job to police the activities and whereabouts of the drunk in recovery as if that ensures they'll never drink again, and thus cause me upset again. Won't work. that actually is what causes those relationships to dissolve. The drunk that has no intention or desire to drink again doesn't and will not tolerate being treated like a misbehaving 9 year old ad finitum, and in gaining their own respect based on their own actions......you lose thier respect based on yours - and they cease to wnat to be with you. Talk to anybody in Al-Anon that is sitting there harping on"how many years i spent with him/her making excuses to the kids and boss while tolerating their poverty, and handling all these consequences and they got sober and left me"....that's what happened. the enabler tought they had to "manage the sobriety" - the way they thought they were "managing the drinking"...and it doesn't work.
So if anything is in play that is unacceptable - state it. You two are mture adults. In reality - unless you two have common interests that were gleaned and pursued prior to meeting or since meeting - that now for your own individual reasons you "each run".....for example......there is really very little time you'll spend together except running the partnership of a business called marriage - and having breakfast and sex and possibly dinner occasionally.
That's all marriage really is if you don't share interests.....it's two people that hopefully respect and admire the other person's character, that has good earning potential, that is trustworthy and honorable and defines "great life" like i do in external and superficial terms. And then like a great partnership - which is NOT staring at one another but staring outward together towards common goals....you're going to go ut and based on the abilities and assets that each of you have can rely on in another another - you're going to pursue, acquire, and meet over meals to discuss the business techicalities and have sex. Sorry, but people that don't share interests outside of "great life" so vaguely defined.....have nothing in common and nothing to discuss except what they "aspire to or acquire together".
You know what, I really think this suggestion is where i'd personally start. Theconversation that you two should have had prior to marriage - have it now. "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" - spiritually, personally, professionally, financially, familially, locationally....where do you see yourself in five years. What plans have you made to make it happen, and at what action phase are you in the plans to make your dreams your reality.
That conversation is easily had...by YOU starting it up with "this is wehre I see myself in 5 years"...and this isn't a conversation you'll have in onoe day...or one sitting either. Or it is if neither of you are interested in anything except 'upgrade' without specific definition.......
But someone who knows themselves well, adn who isn't "acting" in life...can tell you these things. Even spontaneous people that don't "plan".....know the fundamental things in life that they want and require and need....and how they're going to get them. And this conversation would tell you volumes about if you two share interests, goals, and values....or whether you two just share a last name, a bed and a bank account.
Because there's at least those two kinds of marriages....and how well a person knows themselves is the model blueprint of "relationship" that they follow when forming one with other people.
People in transition don't make good partners as a rule.......they can, but it's rare. But have the conversastion, nothing is set in stone, creativity is a must...but don't "parent" him into maturity - which is what the sound of your posts indicates you're attempting to do.
he's goign to have to parent himself into completion....and then you can see what happens.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
A lot of assumptions are being made by you about me and my husband and personally, I have to admit I'm begining to grow offended by them. As I said before, I understand where you come from. Here is just one of the more glaring assumptions:
"Theconversation that you two should have had prior to marriage - have it now. "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" - spiritually, personally, professionally, financially, familially, locationally....where do you see yourself in five years. What plans have you made to make it happen, and at what action phase are you in the plans to make your dreams your reality."
This will probably surprise you to learn. We had that conversation. In fact, before we set foot into pre-marital counseling (which we did, with a very honest pastor who has told other couples before "I don't think you two getting married would be a good idea.") we had discussed all the issues in the hand book they gave us - naturally. If you must know, the plans include:
Spiritually - still exploring christian spiritualism as we do now. Professionally - I'd like to be either doing music and acting full time. I've been working on this for 4 years and plan to continue. It's in my blood. Financially - We will own a house. Since we've recently purchased a condo, we're moving towards this. If we decide to have childeren, one of us will stay at home and work part time. Familially - We discussed possibly having kids in our 5th year of marriage, but only next year will we really take a look at things and seriously entertain our options. Loctionally - I'd like to be out of California due to the high cost of living. We've discussed moving to FL, but he also has a good (standing) job offer in Boston. I'm open to traveling anywhere. I can do what I do anywhere and defiantely want a change of pace from this town, where I've grown up.
We were warned that we're both very driven people, but driven in very different directions. But our counselor also marveled at how amazing it was that we met at the cross roads admired, and respected each other so much. We do have many differences, yes. And I like that about us. He brings new elements into my life and I bring that to his. We are the exceptions to many rules in many ways, but life, in many ways, has beat us both down and changed some of that. In your case, I'm sure your DH lost some respect for you as he watched you destroy yourself with alcohol. Gaining back that respect was and may still be a long process. That's where we are. We've fallen from grace in each other's eyes, now it's time to climb back up. On that, we both agree.
I went back to read my original post on this thread, and I'm can see how the connentation of me parenting him can be put there. I did not MAKE him go to counseling. I can't "make" him do anything. What you read there is me owning up to the things I can change about me and the game plan we've formed so that we can help support each other. I know a leopard can't change it's spots. But I also know bad habits CAN be broken. Your alcholism is proof of it. I've been overweight all my life and last year I lost 80lbs and have kept it off (working on the last 30 still). Changing those habits is an everyday battle for a while. What I'm noticing is exactly that. We've gotten into bad habits. What you're seeing in our game plan is a step by step, one day at a time process to help us break those bad habits we both have. You are correct in the end by saying it's up to each of us individually. The game plan is not a "me holding his hand" process, making sure he goes to appointments and what not. Do I have to know where he is most of the time? Yes. We have 1 car and when it's with one of us we have to know how to get ahold of each other in case of an emergency. I've got my own things to work on and I'm taking ownership for those. He has his own issues to work on (guilt and shame which I'm sure carries over from childhood abuse) and he's owning up to those (hence, the therapy). I notate things as "we" or "us" because it's building that "team", not assimilating us into 1 being.
I learn best by specific examples. What I mean by that is something constructive like: "I don't like step 2, Jay. Here's why..."
-Jay
Edited 4/25/2005 6:50 pm ET ET by teyar
Edited 4/25/2005 6:52 pm ET ET by teyar
Edited 4/25/2005 7:00 pm ET ET by teyar
- J. Darling
Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr
Well, I'm familiar with being "driven".
Someone pointed out to me that when being anorexic bulemic, overweight seriously at one point as well, over shopping, over cleaning, over marrying, etc. it was all indicative of the fact that I had no idea how to apply my traits as assets - rather than liabilities.
This person was extremely insightful beyond his years......as his struggle for self had had it's own rocky path........and he pointed out that if I could learn to apply the traits as assets, rather than liabilities - instead of being in a whirlwind of turmoil and destruction, I'd be the greatest in the world at whatever I chose to do. My problem was......I lacked goals, focus and purpose - but I did not lack "drive".
Bam......stage lights came on that NEVER went off. My first response was of such shock I didn't even thinkabout what I said before I said it. I said "so you mean, I do not have to stop being me to stay sober". HE'd been watching me for months struggle to 'Not be" how I had been.....and he was watching me pursuing new things in life that would have been so much easier, had I applied my traits as assets, yet I only understood them as liabilities......and I was forcing myself to "not indulge" in those traits. His response had me doing an about face, and embracing my "then liabilities" as the traits they are - and learn to apply them as the assets they've become. His response "Oh, you've never been you yet. You've been a bad imitation of other people's idea of success."
I researched that later......obsession, compulsion, extremism and perfection..it's found in anybody that is "indulging to excess" in any aspect of life. If you have goals and focus, self-acceptance and responsiblities - those traits will take you further faster than anybody else out there - except those people "driven" like you.
If you have no goals orpurpose -y ou're rotating in a vortex of instant gratification with no real satisfaction, nd the perception that there's more out there if you can just "find it" and like the driven person you are - you fling yourself into whatever feels good or presents a good image at the moment....to your ultimate destruction.
Being driven....and unfocused....I strove to find less driven people than me to focus on - and have between me and happiness, success, security, independence, and identity.
Being drive and focused...I have become who I wanted to be and only seek alliance with people as driven and focused as me......becuase I admire the traits and thier application of them. I pity addicts for the same reason I admire those "driven to succeed and that manage it" - it's simply trait application management....one done in excess to destruction, the other done obsessively to perfection and success.
Those types of relationship are atypical. I'm living that experience. There is no vicarious living in a relationship with "driven" people. At the core for me is "I admire and respect you for your character and your traits, and it is a pleasure and honor to be affiliated with you." i don't hold onto a smile when what he does isn't to my liking...but i realize that it is to his liking...and it becomes a matter of "can I accept this as a reality in my world"...he does the same.
Being driven in opposite directions...I'd see it as a plus. I'd see it as a relationship that has the potential to never lose it's "romance and splendor" -b ecause all day every day you're going to be driven to be the success that you have defined for yourself and require of yourself...and in that glow of empowerment and enlightenment - you come together for dinner and sex. It's the reality based relationship of "his secretary gets the best of him all day" - the common complaint of women of CEO's....only you're both CEO's and both in existential awareness of waht this means on more than a superficial level....and it's an awe inspiring interaction...to be in the room and affiliated iwth someone you admire and respect at the core level.
At least, what transpires in our "dually driven" relationship is this. We're highly competitive, we're highly focused and driven......never would either of us assume that we'd forgo an opportunity to something challenging or exciting because "the other couldn't go or didn't want us to go" (we wouldn't know how NOt to want the other to go and be thrilled they had the opportunity). We recognize that we're talking about spending at times months apart with nothing but phone contact....and that isn't our "lifestyle' preference - but we acknowledge it is part of our lifestyle.
What does work is our "shared priorities adn values" those are existential elements and they make you who you are - and in our consistency and congruency int hose values - there is harmony and trust. Core level - you couldn't find more two alike people. But diversity externally - you couldn't find two more opposite people. The atheist and the preacher's daughter...or as we're often known as - "the sinner and the saint". We walked down diverse roads of life to find ourselves...and in doing it there we resided - and found people "like us" to interact with and there we found each other. We don't suffer an delusion that there is only "one person" for each of us, we were both in relationships many times prior to meeting each other.......we're right for each other right now.....and that's how it is and it's been working for years this way....why fix what ai'nt broke, so to speak.
Driven people are cognizantly aware of what those lacking "drive" acknowledge. That life is a journey - that the destination that is inevitable is the grave and that is the only "resting place"..........that the journey needs to be a challenge - not a threat. That it requires great self-awareness, acceptance and responsibility - so that you encounter little regret for what has been or will never be. People without "drive" seek haven and refuge...they're constantly subliminally seeking the person and location and position that they want to hold in statis...and never loose or leave....because it is safe and secure...and in this moment meets thier needs and that is all they ever want to need - so that they can stop seeking "safe haven".
Driven people are not "hearth and home" people - they're children of the world, and it is a challenge and a thrill- not a threat. They're seeking to answer the innate questions within them that are driving them for answers....what am I capable of, can I accomplish this....driven people are not asking "is this enough"...it is NEVER enough......and the knowledge that "too much is not enough"for them motivates them to expand, explore, enlighten and empower themselves in magnificent and awesome ways. And the key element that differs between driven and non driven people is this.......at least in my experience.
insecure people are constantly asking questions of others - is this enough, is this all it takes, is this all there is? Secure, mature, confident and driven people are asking questions with more intensity and insistence for answers....but the question is to themselves.......and it is not to prove to the world anything, it's to prove to themselves everything.
Driven people are "solo"...and most great relationships between driven people are atypical in appearance. I've always thought of this relationship as the BEST I've ever had.......we're two great solo kayakers with the option and ability to take on the river of life at our own speed, and based on our needs and abilities....and we can always come back upriver or sprint downriver to catch one another.........because we consider our alliance enhancement...........but that's it. It's not a necessity to have in order to be in the "race of life".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I think that change will only come if he wants it, really wants it. It won't come if he's "seen the light" that he needs more therapy because you've shown him how that's true and if he's decided to go back and "open up more" he's not going to find much success. Unless you're ready and willing to be completely open you're not going to make progress, and until you're ready to be completely open and honest you're not ready to make real progress. That may be because you don't really want to change and you may never want to change.
If he's hanging onto a lot of shame and guilt and that's the reason for his behavior and your problems, seeing a couples counselor before dealing with his own problems won't be too effective. And until he's dealt with his problems and issues with a therapist, I don't think there's much you're going to be able to do to improve your relationship. He'll have to be "fixed" before anything you can possibly do together will make a difference. You're relationship is dealing with the result of his issues, you can't fix the relationship until you've fixed the cause of the problems. Make sense? But here again, that's assuming he is the problem and is also assuming he really wants to clear himself up. Unless those things are true, nothing's really going to change; a little ebb and flow, yes, but no real difference.
Good luck!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks gals! Erin - what you described was our reletionship. I didn't LOVE his martial arts, but I understood that it's something he loves and needs and is part of him, so I supported him. He didn't love me being exhausted and away on shows and rehersals, but he filled the time with Ken Po and was always there opening night and to pick me up from 1am rehearsals. When we did sit down together, it was as strong, full-filled people.
And then he thought he could "help" Candice because they shared a common thread of an abusive childhood and said she wanted to clean up her life (she was a sex addict, had done some drugs, drank too much, etc). It had all the hallmarks of an affiar. He wasn't coming home on time. He was skipping Ken Po (his favorite activity) to hang out with her. And when she offered to co-sign our mortgage for our condo (she's independantly wealthy from an accident), he told her sure. That's when I really had had it. I went in and told him that this was out of hand - that I refused to have another woman's name on our house. We talked about it and though I insisted it was a bad idea (what if she decides to sell? What if she calls in favors and hangs it over our heads? What if she's NOT the innocent mixed-up girl you believe she is?), he insisted that he trusted her 100% and that I couldn't understand it because I didn't share that common - abused kid - thread that they did. That was when I realized for the first time how far things had gone - that he was obviously in love with her. I wanted to be the "cool wife" and not nagg him about where he'd been, calling him when he's late, not having problems w/ him having female friends, etc. To this day I don't mind female "friends". But she was beyond that. After about 3 months, he finally broke it off, or so I thought. I thought it was done a couple weeks before Christmas, but it turns out it didn't really end until after Christmas. :P
So we really both have some issues. Part of this whole thing is the shame and guilt issues which he's decided to go back to counseling for. Please note that HE decided. I didn't decide for him. I offered him the option and let him know that we can afford it if he wants to go back and he said he would go. My issue: I put up a great defense mechanism. I haven't really given him the chance to win back my respect. It's like instinctively there's a thick wall there now. It's very much an "I don't want to let you close because you hurt me deeply and I refuse to allow myself to be vunerable enough to go through that again." I've forgiven, but forgetting is a whole 'nother story. If we were dating, this reletionship would have been over. But we're married, and I put stock in that, so weathering this storm is a new territory for me. I've learned some great things - become more self sufficient. But I've also forgotten how to depend on him because, for a short time a couple times in our marriage now, I haven't felt like I could.
So I told him "If you could start with a clean slate tomorrow, what would you do with it?" So today I'm starting a "this is the first day of the rest of your life" for me and giving him and chance. It's going to be very hard for me to learn to let go and be vunerable to him again. And he knows that before I can drop all the walls, I need him to prove what he proved when we were dating, that my heart will be safe with him.
- Jay
- J. Darling
Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr
This might help you out then......this is what 'recovery" for me looked like from alcoholism in the last marriage....so that you've a clue what to expect and look for -and perhaps not do or fall into as pits of destruction or despair.
With my back against the wall - I personally decided "enough". For once it was not "I've had enough of you and not getting my way or needs met' ad it was "I've had enough of me being miserable like I am."
It started out radically different than any time previously that we had "discussed" my drinking and his concerns...and me making promises, providing justifications, with an attitude of defensiveness.
I didn't actually state "I'm done with drinking" - I'd made that statement severl times and didn't mean it - and actions speak louder than words. I locked myself in a room, sobered up and 72 hours later was "detoxed" chemically - so I could begin to assess and redefine and reconfigure mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically what was there.
Accept was is - you cannot change what was.....and you cannot make your dreams your reality trying to change a "reality" that is based on "in the past".
I realized I had never earned my own respect, I'd helped start this business with promises that had resulted in resentment when what I expected wasn't the result...and particularly when what was expected of me was requested or required in order to get a "lesser result than expected". I started going to work on time because "it was the right thing to do"- not because he demanded it, and he easily began to cease to sleep with one eye open to monitor if I was getting up at 4am and driving my 12 yard truck. He knew I was...the hauling receipts reflected it, the odometer indicated it - I let the "facts" speak for themselves and my actions speak for my values and intentions and goals. Feelings - not sure I did much but acknowledge them and accept that "negative" feelings had been my reality for a lifetime and were going to be my reality for a long time to come...until I went up thru the path of destruction I had created in seeking instant gratification and escape.
I did my part....I lived up by MY expectations - rather than my assumptions of his expectations for me....and what a shock - I found out WHY we weren't in alignment. I had higher expectations of me and this business and the desired results and goals...than he did. We were never shooting for the same thing to begin with....and that had to be accepted.
Nothing rises above the common standaard - whoever's expectations or standards are lower - there's will dominate. It's easy to be late with an excuse...than to be on time and prepared.
I earned my own respect by a pervasive requirement "do the right thing, for the right reason, and handle the result"...which differed radically from do what other people expect or want or require in order to get what I want or need out of them maybe.....and not usually!
In having to "earn" my own respect...I realized that forgiveness, respect, and admiration is something that people EARN...it is not a right or a given, it does not come with a "status" or title or request or demand. I expected me to live up to my standards and values an goals...that he iddn't share them meant there was no way we could have much in common...however, in his emotionally driven approach to life - he could not EARN my respect. Nobdy will ever have my respect that 'does whatever they feel like whenever they feel like it because they can".......that's not a luxury - it's a recipe for disaster and self-destruction. I don't respect people with so little self-aspiration and self-discipline they hold onto that modus operandi with situational justification as to their failures in life overall, and the destruction and havoc they wreck on others.
The more I focused on becoming who I wanted to be existentially and needed to be - the easier it was to stand back and accept him "as he was"...and in doing that I could then assess if "him as he is".....with the values, priorities, standards and goals that he has.......is "good enough for me". It wasn't.....but I didn't leave at that time because thre was one level left of evaluation to do "would I respect me for leaving "just because I could" - because we shared nothing in common fundamentally, but we had created joint obligation as a result of my previous dysfunctionality that had me desiring him to begin with."
I found I would NOT respect me for leaving him "just because I could"...a.nd I didn't leave him until his actions were of the nature to opermanently and without correction being impactive to the future in every regard of my only child - by shackling me to a debt insurmountable to pay. At that point, leaving was the "right and only thing" and I did it without resentment, regret, frustration or remorse....and without any unrealistic expectation.
I had found that being happy, complete, self-responsible and respecting was possible in any situation - and I'd been thru them all with a totally different perception and thus emotional response and goal when entering into them........and this "loss" was no longer a loss of either my respect for me, nor a "loss" in terms of future stability for my child.
Naturally, I required to myself to treat him at all times with dignity and respect of the "office" he held as my husband and business partner......but did I respect him as a person on an individual level - no. He didn't earn it, never "got the concept"....and that was how it was.
One example to give you is this one, and it's a good example of how the fundamental/existential element prioritized by one person...and the superficial/external element prioritized by anotehr....can initially compliment..and eventually clash.
I had been perpetually late....I am still perpetually late. I tend to over schedule...and thus am always late. Not horribly - but late. He pointed out that in my drinking period...me being "late" sent him into a state of emotional anxiety. Late for anything yes - but late for work particularly. He didn't know if I was going to show, or show up drunk, or totally sober and with some good reason for being late - such as picking up a check. In that state of unrest, he had become accustomed to being anxiety-ridden.....and he responded to that anxiety - and that set a negative tone on the job site for the day...which detracted from productivity.
When presented in that way - it was factual and honest...and I could easily see how accurate it was. In my view, what better way to 'find out' if he was "doing whatever he felt like' because he was so stressed and anxious as a result of all this unrest my tardiness produced.....than to be punctual in the extreme.
So we came to an agreement that was of mutual desire. For one year....I was NEVER LATE. Our agreement was that simple. Extremist me took it to extremes - realizing I was requiring it of me and didn't resent him for it. But literally - for one year - I was precisely where I said I would be, doing waht I said I would be doing 24/7/365. That's hard to accomplish running a construction business, trying to formulate a life, working 14-16 hours a day 6 days a week, and having a child and running a home - not of any great magnitude by a long shot - but still cleaning, cooking, laundry. But I did it.
I was extremely proud of my creativity and diligence in doing waht I said I woudl do - that went miles down the road of earning my own trust. I realized I could do what I said I would...and it became now a matter of determining what I wanted and needd in life and setting about doing it for me - rather than someone else at times. It was a huge existential and fundamental step in my development. I'd never seen it as anything else....and it benefitted us both immensely.
At the conclusion of the year, I realized that he had never looked any deeper than the superficial and external element. Him mandating me being on time, and me living up to it - had lessened his anxiety about "what I was doing and where I was and would I be doing waht he said, when adn how"......but that hadn't addressed his "need" for that reality to pervade in order for his anxiety to be at a low-ebb at a normal life level.
At the year's conclusion....we again discussed it. His answer was immediate - well, you jusut keep being on time all the time and I won't have any stress. However, during that year of significantly less stress per his identification of the cause.....we had had NO progress financially or professionally - as he was still emoionally driven in the extreme with the crew, the bidding, and the job productivity itself. So the consistent and congruent behavior i was exhibiting by choice.....was not easing our decision due to his 'being himself"....ah, this had nothing to do with me technically - I was just an excuse.
The second that was apparent......if there was any question about the validity of the marriage being anything but a piece of paper....it was an answered question and closed book issue. The marriage was an in name only proposition, and it was strictly for external and superficial benefit and options and upgrade as he saw it....he had taken no notice of the diligence, restructure, and requirement within me to be on time in every way.....while having no resentment for having to do it........
So there's the pit you don't want to fall into. There has to be more to "recovery" as a defintion than "not drinking". I saw that when I walked into AA.....if "not drinking" is recovery - I've been in recovery for 4 days, I need 4 days of chips. And if this is all there is to recovery - then my life will never change, my values and priorities, my destiny, my perception of self and life will remain the same. The only thing that is different is I won't drink.........and that hit me like a tons of bricks....duh.......all that eating, starving, binging, purging, spending, marrying....what do you think it all wa - it was "coping" sweetie - and this substance brought you to your kneees. So define recovery as something moe than "not drinking" because your next addictive practice is likely to be fatal, this one dang near was!
So hopefully that example helps. If he's wanting to earn "your respect' he's on the wrong track....if he can't earn it no matter what he does because he pursues his respect...and you're thinking only in the superficial and external element for proof and validation of his change - you won't ever find it.
Let me know if I can help.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
That's what he's working on realizing, and what I think therapy will help with (as it's helped him realize things he needed to change about himself in the past - like his short temper, which has VASTLY improved since his therapist helped him understand his triggers). He understands that in all those scenerios that has changed our reletionship - he lost respect for himself. He's tired of feeling sorry for himself. It just takes getting fed up with yourself (I was the same way with my weight. I could never lose it for everyone else who wanted me too. I had to be fed up with aching feet, being unable to afford or fit into clothes I wanted, etc. I did it for me.) to really change.
I do feel that he's getting back on the right track and that it will take time. And I'm willing to wait and see if he can turn things around for himself and, in the end, for us. In the mean time, I'll work on my own issues. We are all a constant work in progress.
-Jay
- J. Darling
Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr
the question is how long do we wait? my s-o is the proverbial murphy everything goes wrong for him, but what has really devastated our relationship are his financial issues. i will not go into detail (financially devasting divorce/plant closing/startup self owned business/mocho debt) but i think he has finally hit bottom enough to realize he is about to lose everything if he doesnt start to take some action, but then i have thought that before. do i wait this one more time to see if he makes the responsible decisions? i feel like i have been waiting forever as he keeps getting hit with his cavalcade of crap. he should have claimed bankruptcy a couple yrs ago but was determined to pay it off on his own and screwed things up worse than ever. of course meanwhile i had to cover bills and his part of the rent so he owes me quite a bit of $. now i think he realizes its his only choice to get out of the mess he is in.
so do i wait and see if this time he actually does what he says hes going to? give it 2 wks see if anything has happened? or say enough is enough.
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