Getting Him Back Ideas!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2005
Getting Him Back Ideas!
5
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 6:10pm

My former boyfriend recently ended any hopes of reuniting when he asked me if I had made out with anyone during off time off . I was honest, but it has made him sever all ties with me. He told me I have to wait, like he did during our break, and see what it feels like to be lonely.

I understand he's hurt and I'm willing to wait for him, but I'm afraid he'll never come back; the more time spent away from me, the easier it will be to hate me.

I've decided to give myself a cut-off date and go out with a bang. My ex plays guitar with a specific type of string and I thought about buying a set and leaving them on his doorstep around Christmas with a little note asking him to dinner or coffee. If not, then I hope he makes happy music.

I really want a "Love Actually" Christmas and I've got nothing to lose but my pride. I would love any other suggestions a-la Love Actually because I really need to look forward to something during my waiting period.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 6:48pm

At present, you're focusing on the fact that he doesn't want to re-unite after time apart. However, a more important question is: what was it that caused your split in the first place? And has this situation been rectified? What would be different if you DID get back together?

All that aside, you were able to move on during your break and didn't pine for him. Doesn't this tell you that he's not 'the one'? Your boyfriend is quite right about not wanting to get back together. While I don't agree with him that the point of a break is to be lonely and pine for each other....I do feel that if you were able to continue enjoying life, then does means that you were not feeling very attached to him.

There is also a possible scenario that he didn't want to get back together with you at all. And finding out that you did something that he believed was 'wrong' gave him the ability to shift the blame to you. Instead of being honest about his own issues, it may have been easier for him to simply blame you.

I'd forget this idea of a romantic Christmas. You'll be setting yourself up for disappointment. Simply tell him that you don't want to break it off and that if he changes his mind, he can call you.

PS I haven't seen Love Actually. What does a Love Actually Christmas consist of?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 9:38pm

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One, he chose to wait. Two, you didn't confess to sleeping with someone, you confessed to kissing them when he asked. (And if he didn't want to know, he shouldn't have asked.) Three, if you were broken up you were totally free to kiss someone else.

A guy who then responds in a "punishing" manner is a man you don't want to get back together with. He will punish you again and this is NOT a very adult-like, mature attitude. You do something he doesn't like and he has to punish you. Not good.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 9:52pm

Oh, I think I misunderstood the post. I thought he expected her to pine during their separation....not as a punishment now. But on re-reading it, I do believe that you are right.

Even more reason to not return to him. If you are single, you are free to kiss whoever you like. You've done nothing wrong and certainly don't deserve to be 'punished'.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 11:40pm

"Love Actually" is a Cinderalla-type story where the young, good looking Prime Minister (I think) of England falls for one of the housekeeping staff. Think rich guy falls for girl from the wrong side of the tracks. He ends up going house to house looking for her on Christmas Eve. No slipper though. ;0)







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:




Edited 11/7/2005 11:41 pm ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 11:55pm

I think you're looking at this full of emotion and not rationally at all.


  • You were broken up, you're free to see anyone and do anything you choose during that time. He may not like what you did, but it's his job to accept it, suck it up and deal with it like a grown up.
  • Do I hear you correctly that after you've suffered the proper amount of punishment time he might consider taking you back ? Either way, face it, he's not interested in getting back together with you, he's interested in punishing you and you did nothing to deserve punishment.
  • He has nothing to feel hurt about, his behavior and his thinking are immature and juvenile, he's a pompous, self-important jerk.


    Think about it. If he's truly severing all ties, consider yourself lucky and move on with your life. You can find someone who's interested in you, accepts your choices and accepts reality, doesn't employ punishment as a relationship technique (it's dysfunctional) and can be a real-live adult about things. But, I suspect your guy will be back, if you're looking to sacrifice and suffer for him, chase after him and woo him back yourself, he'll go a long way before he'll find anyone else who'll beg for more of his punishment, most would count their blessings, chock him up as a valuable lesson and be glad to have gotten rid of him. I hope you'll come to realize the same.


    The problem with your "Love Actually" wish is that the hero in the movie would never have treated his girlfriend like that. He treated people with respect, not punishment. You deserve someone who treats you with respect, you shouldn't settle for anyone who doesn't. It's settling for being treated as a subordinate, not an equal, certainly not a partner, absolutely not a respected human being.






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"