getting over a breach of trust

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
getting over a breach of trust
9
Sun, 02-05-2006 - 10:42pm

Hi ladies in the "relationship problem" board! I've been reading for a couple weeks and thought I'd go ahead and pour my lil' ol' heart out too. Not sure why at this point I'm feeling compelled to do this, but I guess I would like to hear feedback from people who don't know me and aren't invested in my situation (like family and friends are).

A friend at work told me that eharmony was really fun and I should give it a try. I'm 30 and have been through quite a few nowhere bound relationships. I am at the point where I feel I know myself and am ready for the longterm love. I've always wanted it but didn't have the maturity or emotional strength to choose the right guys. So, after taking a 6 month break after my last breakup, I signed up for eharmony. With a few days I got a ton of matches and pursued a few of them. One of them was really cute and we hit it off online. We emailed for a week, then talked on the phone and met for lunch that day. There was instant chemistry....hot, hot, hot. I also thought he was really nice and he seemed to really like me too. I had promised myself to take this sloooooooooow since I knew myself and I had dived in too quick in the past and ended up pretty hurt. Well, within 3 weeks we were already intimate and it just seemed to be the natural thing to do (isn't it always??????) Anyway...we spent a lot of time together and then he started including me in his life and meeting and hanging with his friends. About 3 weeks into it, we had a conversation and I basically wanted to know if we were "boyfriend/girlfriend" or what because I don't just sleep around and I want to be in a relationship. We were spending tons of time together and it just seemed natural. We talked about what that meant and we decided it meant we weren't "seeing" anybody else. Well, things started going up and down with us. There were several times I almost broke it off because I felt he had been pretty inconsiderate of me and basically I started noticing that anytime his friends were around (which was a lot) he acted extremely immature. He's 36 and he would behave like 22 year old around them. Also, his roommate is also his good friend and he seemed to be around all the time. I started thinking that we might not be a good match because I'm ready for a mature man who is ready for fam and kids. He SAID he wanted a fam and kids more than anything but he wasn't behaving like somebody his age. I also noticed him looking at other women when he thought I couldn't see. We had more than one argument about that because I feel disrespected when a man I'm with does that. I get sad, thinking I'm not attractive enough if he's still "looking". He also had just lost about 60 pounds and is a really handsome man, so it doesn't help that women look back. ANyway...true or not, it's how I feel.

Well, somewhere around a month and a half into it, thinks started clicking more and he was talking about the future with me and he seemed to be making a real effort to act his age, even with his friends around. We started making plans for a vacation together in April. He couldn't wait to take me to disneyland for my first time. I could tell he was serious about me and I could also tell that he was getting more attached to me...he was putting more into it and I could just tell he was becoming really invested in me. Well, in late december, before christmas, he told me he loved me and it was the first time any boyfriend had told me that for like 6 years (seriously). I was so happy..and I could tell he meant it, at least as much as somebody could love me after only knowing me 2 months! Well, get this....this is where it gets bad. He fell asleep soon after that and I decided to check my email. His email account came up already logged in. To make a long story short, I saw a few email folders with womens names and one of them was my name. I snooped because it appeared odd. I discovered that he had continued to communicate with at least 2 other eharmony matches that he had, and one of them went as far back as before he even "met" me. He never mentioned her to me and after reading the emails between them, he never mentioned me to her either. nothing sexual or anything (she tried to proposition him but he declined). she lived 2 hours away so it's not like they could see each other regularly. Well, in late november the email indicated that she was in town for business and he met her for dinner. and then there was another email from anoterh woman that was only 2 weeks old and it had her photos attached. So, he was still "shopping" even while being with me and telling me that he was my boyfriend and not seeing anybody else. I was devastated. I woke him up and it wasn't pretty. It was really sad and dramatic and he professed his love for me again and again and told me that "nothing" happened with anybody else and he was "stupid" for meeting her for dinner but he felt "obligated" after emailing her for 2 months to meet her but he had no real intention of "doing" anything with her. He never explained why he was still collected photos as recently as 2 weeks before the night he told me he loved me. He told me things were so up and down with us that he never knew if I was going to end it on any particular day but that he's not a "cheating" guy and didn't think he was doing any harm by just "talking".
After an arduous week of crying and hours and hours of talking, I decided he really was sorry and really did want to be with me. I had never been through something like this and it hurt a lot because I've been through so many hurtful relationships with men who didn't really treat me with love. I really wanted this one to be different. Disappointment doesn't even begin to describe it.
Well, I tried for a month and a half to work through it with him but I could hardly look at him without remembering that he lied to me. I started obsessing about the other women and his "date" and whether or not he was a liar and not really a good man. He swore to me that he is a good and loyal man who just made a stupid mistake; that he's not a cheater by nature and to please let him prove to me that he would never hurt me like that again. Well, I tried but I was internally conflicted all the time; constantly worrying that maybe he was still "looking" and if I give it a shot that he might hurt me again. I gave up last week and broke it off. It was terribly sad. He cried and then I cried but I decided I can't move forward if I don't trust him. I also realized that his maturity level would need to seriously need to change because his behavior was that of a jackass. He is so concerned with "looking macho" to his friends and they spend like 3 hours/day at the gym together and he just wants to impress them. I had to walk away for my own emotional health. I am in counseling again to look to see if my trust issues are so severe that I can't move forward with any man for fear he'll hurt me.

AFter 9 days of being broken up, I miss him a lot but I don't miss the way the relationship was going. I gave up so much of my time trying to make it work. I neglected my own home trying to accommodate him and his time. I spent time with his friends even though I have my own life and friends.

What would you have done?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-05-2006 - 11:44pm

Welcome back Popeyesgal~ I won’t be able to get to your post for a bit, but I wanted to provide the links to your previous post so that others who might be able to get to your post before I do can get a better feel for your history and as a result be better able to offer thoughts and suggestions that fit and can be more helpful to you:



3rd wheel?

I’ll be back soon!

**Edited because after reading Popeye's new post questions I posted here for her were answered.**







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown



Edited 2/6/2006 1:05 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 1:49am

Popeyesgal, I'm so sorry you're hurting.


I hope you read your previous post, I think if you do you'll realize there were a lot more issues than him continuing to fish after agreeing to be exclusive. Like you said here, he was acting pretty immature, his friends always came first and according to him (if I remember right) they always would. Also, his relationships would hinge on his friends' approval and the infatuation/flirty thing he had going with his friends' girlfriend and the fact that he was more approving of her and more defensive of her, while you got ignored and disrespected. What would I have done? I would have been out the door a long time before that, any one of the things I mentioned above would have been enough to tell me this wasn't a workable situation and wasn't a guy who could meet up to what I expect - demand - in a relationship.


If you're at all questioning whether you shouldn't have left over his continued contact with Eharmony potentials, I'll tell you that you were exactly right to end it. He said you were exclusive then continued to shop. That's not exclusive, that's cheating, and it's doing it right at the beginning of your relationship. If he'd do it at the beginning, when feelings are strong and high, what's he going to do when things begin to feel "ordinary" or "boring" or when you're not getting along? The reason he didn't have an explanation of why he continued contact is because he knew there was none. And it doesn't matter how far away any of these women lived either, it's wrong; cheating is cheating. Flat out, the guy doesn't respect you and really, I don't think it's personal, based on what you've said, I don't think he respects women in general. He treated his last girlfriend just like you and he'll treat his next one like that too. Ending this was the smart thing, it saved you a lot of conflicts and problems.


Two things, real quick -- and I really hope you don't take offense at the first one, it's not intended to be offensive. You mentioned having sex after three weeks of seeing him then said you asked about exclusivity because "you don't sleep around". If how you explained the timeline is correct and you slept with him before you were exclusive, you need to realize that you did sleep around. Not a slam or condemning you, just wanting you to realize that what you said and what you did do not match up. Secondly, a big warning sign for me would have been a guy saying he loves me after two months. At two months he doesn't know you well enough to know he loves you! Sure, you may see each other constantly and feel like you're really getting along well, but at the eight week mark, you're still in the baby stages of the relationship and there's still much, much more that you don't know about the other person than things you do know. Making a statement like that at that stage of the relationship is a red flag, especially when a guy as old as he is says it; at two months, no matter how deep you feel together, you're still really on the surface.


You said, "I miss him a lot but I don't miss the way the relationship was going. I gave up so much of my time trying to make it work. I neglected my own home trying to accommodate him and his time. I spent time with his friends even though I have my own life and friends." That's very telling. The thing is, good relationships are easy, things flow smoothly because you agree and are like-minded. In good relationships problems come up, but they're addressed, dealt with (compromise, understanding, agreement) and the relationship moves forward without the problem. Bad relationships are difficult, you struggle and struggle just to keep them afloat. Issues don't get resolved, and often you're dealing with the same issues over and over again. So, if bad relationships take a lot of work and are frustrating, why would you want to struggle to keep one alive when if you just let it go and found a good one it would be easy, rewarding and positive? Just something to think about in the future.


I'm really glad you're getting yourself some therapy to work on the trust issue you're dealing with; it's such a smart thing to do. Trust issues can follow you around for the rest of your life, affecting and damaging every relationship you have; jumping right in there and getting it cleaned up while it's fresh takes care of it as quickly and as easily as it can be taken care of. You're making good choices for yourself and taking good care of you.








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 7:56am

Hey, thanks for your response and it was also smart of you to bring back a previous post from a couple months ago. Yes, I realize it was pretty troubled from the start (as I mentioned in this recent post.....what I referred to as "ups and downs").
I have to say that your post brings up an interesting debate. My ex apologized and admitted he was wrong to "mislead" me and deceive me about his communications. However, in his mind he did not "cheat" on me in the traditional terms because he didn't so much as touch anybody else nor, he says, did he intend to do that. hmmmmm....I think he was keeping the backburner available in case he and I flopped (MAJOR SIGN OF INSECURITY). As I mentioned, if he had wanted to sleep around on me, he easily could have since I mentioned that there are several women out there willing to sleep with a guy on the first meeting.
So, while I total don't condone what he did and agree it was highly disrespectful to both me and our relationship, I do wonder if it is perhaps a bit harsh to call it "cheating" especially if it was in the first month and a half of our "relationship" and he was on a dating site that makes things quite easy to keep communications going. In other words, I hate what he did but I also kind of see how somebody insecure and immature could do it and think that as long as he's not touching anybody else, he is just exploring other options since the current thing is so unstable. Wrong, but somewhat understandable. He lied, yes, yes yes

I do agree that I did the right thing. I also think he realizes what a stupid thing he did and I also believe that after I found out he cut off all communications and was being honest from then on....but the damage had already been done. My therapist said he was "curious" about the other women and what he did to act on it was like what any "child" would do. well put, Doctor!!!
I don't want to sound stupid, but really I don't know if he did this type of thing with anybody else- he swears he hasn't so really that's just a guess...but not exactly a fair one.

So, then, what constitutes cheating????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 1:40pm

I think there is no one definition of cheating. I think cheating is whatever involves a third person/party and would cause trust to be lost in the relationship. I know if my H gave more than a passing thought to someone (ie, if he was thinking about another woman and having a relationship with her) whether or not it was just "fantasy", that is cheating in my worldview on our relationship. Is that a wrong definition? Not for me. And he knows my definition and has agreed that it is reasonable. Some people can handle the "fantasy" aspect and it's not cheating to them (porn falls into that...) I don't agree with it, but it someone else doesn't feel damaged (ie, loss of trust, damage to self-esteem/relationship) then I suppose it's not cheating to them.

Jen

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 5:52pm

Since the two of you had agreed to be exclusive, what he did was definitely cheating in my book.

If he was unsure, he could have easily TOLD you he wanted to keep his options open and date other people.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 6:27pm

I agree with Sheri.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 7:41pm

Thanks for all your input and feedback. This response especially hit the nail on the head; bringing up personal integrity and "breaking" the rules of eharmony. You see, this is just proof that those online dating site (even the ones that seem legitimate like eharmony) are a breeding ground for dating around. buyer beware. It's just too darn easy...it's not like having to go out and pick somebody up at a bar...I mean, they're right there to pick and choose from on a daily basis on your computer and there is the safety of distance so it's not like they know where you live to "check" up on you. But, of course, that's no excuse for his lying to me about being exclusive. He knew he messed up...believe me, he got my wrath. But that's not even the half of it, he messed up more than anything by losing the woman whom he realized a little too late he wanted. He lost the woman who lit up every time she saw him. He lost the look in my eye, he lost the "sweetness" that I gave so readily before this. That's the worst and most sad part of this whole thing. He knows what he lost and I'm sorry for him more than anything else. I know what I'm worth and I know what I deserve and I know some man will cherish that and treat it like the jewel that it is.

As far as the whole "cheating" debate; yes, I too believe that it is defined individually. I don't believe anymore that life is so simple as "you're a cheater, you're a liar, you're a good guy, you're a bad guy". If life were that simple, none of us would ever have problems. We're all works in progress and what it comes down to is a basically good guy who is nowhere where I am and is nowhere where I need a man to be in order to feel happy and fulfilled. All I can hope is that one day he'll grow up and "get it" and make choices for himself that build himself up and the women he is with. I guess I really don't need anymore input. I know I did the right thing for me for now.
And as far as judging somebody who makes mistakes as somebody who will "always" do one thing or another, well that's not fair because even though it's difficult, what are we as humans if we don't believe that change is possible and that integrity can be adopted? The bible is full of people who started out in life making horrible, selfish choices but who eventually obtained a sense of accountability for their actions. My ex may reach that point and I hope he does. But I can't count on that; nor can I subject myself to it until, if, that ever happens. People change because they make a commitment to THEMSELVES not to somebody else. I hope he decides to not rob himself of another opportunity to be truly and genuinely loved by a person who is capable of it, as I was. He's not bad; just sad and misguided. I'm just sorry I was hurt in the process.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 1:35am

I absolutely agree with the above. Until you'd agreed to be exclusive, his online contacts were just fine, but when he said he wanted to be exclusive, fishing and maintaining fishing contacts have to end.


And I stand by my original thought -- he may not think he's done this before, but the fact that he treated his friend's girlfriend as he did, ignoring you in the process and all says he's insensitive to relationships at best and probably feels a sense of entitlement and superiority (it's okay for me to do things that are not okay for you to do) towards all women. In a few months you'll look back and be darned glad you didn't stick around, I'm betting on it. You made a smart decision, you made the healthy decision for yourself and that's never wrong.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 8:03am

Take it slow and be watchful. He wanting you to give him "a chance to make things better" is a red flag to me. It would be different if he'd recognized he had been wrong and apologized for his behavior, but asking for a chance to make things better sounds more like sidestepping adult responsibility and instead trying to change his behavior (personality) to please you. That may work for a while, but in the long run he'll be back to who he truly is. I think the fact that he was happily dissing his married friend being "whipped" and the fact that he falls all over this girl indicate pretty clearly who he really is and what his personality is. Two months is a very short time to be in a relationship, you've seen some very definite things that aren't acceptable already; it's quite likely there's more on the negative side to come. Also, at 36, his behavior seems pretty immature, more like a guy in his early 20's.

I hope I'm wrong and I don't mean to throw water on you, but I felt like you should know what my thoughts and reservations were.

Good luck! ~

Hi!!! These were your words to me two months ago!!! Very good foreshadowing!!! I am impressed. You are so right; early 20's all the way!!! yuck. I got over that a few years back. I think my ex got married in his early twenties, got divorced, went straight into a relationship where he became somebody's dad for four years, ended that and then went with a 22 year old just before me. He is clearly regressing trying to make up for the years he probably feels he lost trying to be a husband and then a dad too young. Okay, does my psychology degree show through here?????? lol