Girlfriend with a promiscuous past..

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Girlfriend with a promiscuous past..
20
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 6:40pm

Hi everyone! Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

I've been dating my current girlfriend for the past 7 months or so. She is 3 years older than I am, but to us, age is just a number.

But her number is higher than mine.

She's had many more sexual relationships before me (totaling to 9 guys.. at least she says it's 9). The guy she was "seeing" right before me was someone she met at a bar and they shared only a physical and sexual relationship (booty call.)

I love my girlfriend, but I can't stop myself from thinking about her past. All I can think about are other men that have slept with her, and it makes me frustrated. Am I being selfish here? Or do I have a justified right to be angry? I know that people make mistakes, but making the same mistake 9 times? A little excessive??

What do I do? I know that it's in her past and that it's something she cannot change. And when I talk to her about how it bothers me that she has such a sexual past, she doesn't like to talk about it.

Thanks, everyone. Hopefully, I'll receive words of encouragement.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 7:03pm

If it bothers you then you need to move on. Talking about how it bothers you or talking about it in general isn't going to change it. She's slept with 9 people and that isn't going to change.

Other than that, I don't know what advice to give you. I'm actually one of those people who think that sex should be reserved for marriage, so I can't even argue that you sleeping with fewer people is better than her sleeping with more. And since I haven't BTDT, I can't give a perspective outside of my own, which doesn't really apply.

Is it wrong that it bothers you that someone you are dating is/was promiscuous? Not at all. But there still isn't anything you can do to change it.

Good luck.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 7:26pm

And I agree... I am also one of those people. It just bothers me that she's obviously not the same. But that doesn't change the fact that I love her.

I'm confused!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 7:26pm

Move on. She deserves to be with someone who's not going to judge her.

And no, you have no "right" to be angry about things she did before she MET you!

What is she supposed to say when you ask her about it, anyway? Is she supposed to grovel for your forgiveness, or what? Tell you what a bad person she is?

Loving someone means you accept them, warts and all. If you can't do so, you should move on.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 7:59pm

>>do I have a justified right to be angry?<<
No, you have no right to be angry at what she did before she met you. She is who she is and you have to accept her warts and all.

It's also important to realise that as we grow older, all of our experiences come together to make us the person we are today. Our personality is formed by all of our past experiences. If she had a different past, she would not be who she is today.

>>I know that people make mistakes, but making the same mistake 9 times? A little excessive??<<

Does SHE truly believe that these are all mistakes or are you putting words in her mouth? Perhaps she doesn't view any of them as mistakes at all. I've had more lovers than your girlfriend and I regret none of them. They simply make me the person I am today.

>>And when I talk to her about how it bothers me that she has such a sexual past, she doesn't like to talk about it<<

Of course she doesn't want to talk about it. Talking about her past is pointless and distressing, so why would she want to do it?

If you can't stop being upset at her past, then move on and let her find someone who loves her without judgement.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 10:19pm

Well, you have to decide which pull is stronger. Because you can only have one of them with her. You can either date her or you can find someone with the same morals that you have. I can tell you though that it is next to impossible to compromise your morals and be happy, no matter how much you love the person.

May I ask, how old are the 2 of you?

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 10:28pm

>>I can tell you though that it is next to impossible to compromise your morals and be happy, no matter how much you love the person<<

I absolutely agree. There are some morals that I have which I could not compromise on - no matter who it was for.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 11:40pm

Further to my previous posts, IF you truly want to be with her and leave your worries behind, you will have to make a concerted effort to do so.

You know there is something that bugs me in my relationship and I totally accept that I'm being unreasonable. I hate it when DH goes drinking till the wee small hours with the boys. Now, to put it in perspective, he rarely does this and it's always with warning. And there are many social occaisions that he leaves early because he thinks that it's the right thing to do. All of the good definately outweighs the bad so I, in turn, have made a decision that I will not put our marriage under stress simply because I can't get a handle on my emotions.

So, here's how I deal with it: I don't tell him my fears because he's doing nothing wrong. I don't complain to others about his behaviour because he's doing nothing wrong. In short, everytime I get worried about the thought of him laying drunk in a gutter, I make a concerted effort to push my fears back down. Expressing them over and over again does nobody any good.....all it does is continue to agitate them and make me feel worse.

IF you feel that you are being unreasonable, then you've got the chance to try and change how you react and deal with the situation. IF you don't feel that your thoughts reasonable, then you're with the wrong girl.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 1:35am

I'm confused on several points:

To Jen's comment "I'm actually one of those people who think that sex should be reserved for marriage, so I can't even argue that you sleeping with fewer people is better than her sleeping with more." you said, "And I agree... I am also one of those people. " You agree with what? That sex should be reserved for marriage? Yet you said her number was higher than yours, not that you had no number.


The fact that your problem, as you stated it, is that her number is higher than yours would indicate that there would be no problem if her number was lower than yours. If that's true, what you're saying is that the issues isn't that she's slept with several people, it's that she's slept with more than you. That's an inferiority/competition problem, not a problem with her morals, values or character.


You ask if you have the right to be angry. Angry about what? She's done nothing to you, there's nothing for you to be angry about. Clearly you judge her and do not accept her previous choices. You're saying you're angry about her past for Pete's sake! Find someone with a past you can accept and let this one go. You're anguishing over something that can't change, it's futile.


The guy she slept with before you isn't someone she was seeing, it's someone she had a one night stand with, like you said, a booty call. In other words she had sex without a relationship. How long had you been seeing each other before you had sex together?


I echo Aisha in her response about your girlfriend's "mistake"; what makes you think she feels she's made any mistakes in her sexual choices? Does she regret her choices or telling you about them? If she regrets her choices I'd suggest moving on because if she's had regrets about many of her choices and her last choice was a one-night stand, it would indicate that she's not learning from her "mistakes" and is continuing to make poor choices for herself. If she indeed feels they are mistakes and she doesn't learn from them, she's sure to continue to repeat them. Unfortunately, even if she doesn't view them as mistakes I suggest you move on. The past is not something any of us can change. If you can't accept her as she is, the choices she's made and what she's done then you need to move on. She can't change the past and neither can you. She deserves someone who accepts her, you are not that person.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:




Edited 11/22/2005 3:12 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 12:38pm
You stated that you believe that sex should be reserved for marriage? But are you having sex with your girlfriend? Or are you waiting until marriage to have sex with her? To love her is to accept her for who she is. IMHO it's not a "mistake" each and every time someone has sex with someone else. Sometimes things just don't work out.
hello
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 1:43pm

::And when I talk to her about how it bothers me that she has such a sexual past, she doesn't like to talk about it.

She doesn't want to talk about it, because you are making her wrong, judging her and she can't change what's already happened.

You think she's made a mistake 9 times and you want to talk about her 'mistake' (read that punish and judge her for it) over and over again, so you can understand it. You can't. No two people are alike. She may have had 9 different sexual partners for different reason - it feels good, it's a release, to feel attractive, wanted, loveable, validated as a woman, to experiment with her sexual power, because she thought she was in love, because she wanted that guy's love, attention or approval and thought the only way to get it was to have sex....and you are angry. Hmm, angry that she's human? Angry that she didn't 'wait' for you?

If you can't accept her as she is, the woman she is now or you are afraid she will repeat her 'mistake' then it's time to move on and find yourself someone that has been waiting for you. She's not thinking of the other guys, only you are and it's making you crazy.

Sorry it's not much encouragement.....


Carrie

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