Girlfriend with a promiscuous past 2...
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| Tue, 11-22-2005 - 5:43pm |
Okay, let me explain so no more assumptions are made about me.
I am a virgin. I am saving myself for the right person. She knows this and that is why we haven't had sex. I am 22. I don't know how many of you feel out there, but I believe I'm at the right age to be thinking about a long term commitment. I don't want to make it with the wrong person.
The whole issue was brought up because of what she said when I asked her about something else. On her desk was a card from another man dated earlier this week, signed "Achilles". I wasn't snooping; it was just out in the open so I asked her who it was. She hesitated, blushed for a moment then said "just an old friend." Then I asked her what his name was and she said "you wouldn't know him." If she had first told me who it was, I wouldn't have been suspicious. Given her active past, I was making sure she wasn't cheating on me. So finally, she tells me it's a guy named Jason, the guy she had been sleeping with prior to me (which was 7 months ago).
The thing is, I DO know him. I DO know who he is. We've discussed about him before. So why would she fluster and hesitate telling me? Unless there was something to be hiding? She says she's not... I was fine with everything until that incident.
Oh, and to Cl-... it wasn't a one night stand with the man prior. It was a 3 week thing of just no-strings-attached sex. And she admitted to me that they were mistakes. She didn't come to that conclusion because I grilled her about it, either. We've talked about it ONCE before, and that was the end of that until recently. I'm trying not to be pig-headed, so I'm sorry if I come off that way.
Edited 11/22/2005 5:47 pm ET by tkdapk

Edited 11/22/2005 9:19 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
My apologies for communication errors between us, in my mind, a "one night stand" or "booty call" doesn't have to end in one night, they're terms for encounters that are short in duration (days or weeks) that are about sex. It doesn't have to be literally one night for the encounter to apply. And, like I said in my initial response, you didn't say you had no sex partners, you said your number was lower than hers.
Honestly, nothing you've said changes a thing. You're still light years away in your beliefs, your standards, your morals, your convictions and your character and those things are incredibly important to be have in common in order to have a healthy relationship that's able to build. Your basics are different and as a result together you don't have a solid foundation to build a healthy, strong relationship from.
You say she regrets her past. Regrets every one of the men she slept with? Really? Honestly, I find that hard to believe, unless she's totally changed her life, and has adopted an entirely new set of principles. The reason I say this is simple. Imagine yourself doing something you believe is wrong. That's going to evoke some guilt feelings, right? Probably some regrets and will cause you to feel bad about yourself. Are you going to do that again? Many, many times, with nine different partners? Not too likely, Tkdapk. And if she regrets her past actions, why is she still in contact with a guy who was simply a booty call seven months ago? If she regrets her actions, why is his card out?
The reason she lied about who the card was from is easy, it was likely because she didn't want to go through the spoken or unspoken problems her past brings up. Lying and avoiding the subject is much easier than going through the problems it causes. Being open about the subject doesn't help because your feelings don't change -- and they aren't going to.
Look, here's the thing. You feel our answers were strong, maybe somewhat attacking, but go back and read them. Nothing that was said is anything but the truth. She can't change what she's done. She doesn't deserve to be with someone who disapproves of her past, can't accept it and isn't okay with it. Proven by the flush on her face and the lie about who the card was from. The best match for you is maybe someone just like her, but without the past. She may be close to right for you, but she's not close enough. Sticking with her will mean always having her past in your face, between you. It'll cause her to continue to feel bad about things she shouldn't feel bad about (she's already lying about it, proof positive the relationship isn't good for her). Fast forward ten years and you'll be one of those posts we get from the guy (or gal) who can't get over the fact that their husband (or wife) slept with so many people before them. They wonder if their spouse is thinking about any of their previous partners when they have sex, they wonder how they match up. They're angry that their partners have previous sexual experience, previous partners. The best indicator you'd be in that group? You're having problems with it now.
Another indicator that this relationship isn't a good thing. You said, "Given her active past, I was making sure she wasn't cheating on me.". You don't trust her. You didn't indicate in your previous post that she'd cheated on anyone, if she has, and absolutely if she's done so more than once, I'd say run - don't walk - away. And if she hasn't your statement clearly says you believe or suspect she's capable of cheating. Bottom line is you don't trust her and it's based on that past that you say she regrets. You don't forgive her, even if you want to, and you don't believe she's changed, even if you want to. Make this easy on both of you and find someone you respect and trust; staying together is bad for both of you, it hurts you both and the experience will make you less able to carry on healthy relationships down the road.
Good relationships are easy, you have problems, but you discuss them, find agreements and compromises and your relationship moves on without the problem. Relationships that aren't good cause you to continue to struggle. You work hard to keep a "bad" relationship afloat when if it was good there would be no struggle to start with. Why would you struggle to keep something that's less good alive when letting it go to be free to find a relationship that is good would mean a relationship that's satisfying, happy, healthy AND easy to maintain?
I think a big part of what you heard in the responses you read was frustration. A healthy, adult relationship requires that you recognize what is and is not changeable and what is and is not acceptable to you. If you have problems accepting your boyfriend or girlfriend's past, you need to move on, it just means they're not the right fit for you. It's okay for you not to accept her past, but in recognizing that you need to let her go and move on. It's not okay to stay and torture yourself and her in a situation that isn't changeable. That's the frustration you heard in those posts. This isn't good or right for either of you. Does that make sense?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Girlfriend with a promiscuous past..
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Edited 11/23/2005 2:53 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Really, just split up with her. It looks from here like that would be the best thing for the both of you.
Myself, I wouldn't care if I found out my wife had done the entire football team in high school in one night and you're worried about something much smaller and insiginificant compared to the trials and tribulations you're going to experience later in your ADULT life.
It seems to me she's done nothing different than what most ppl do, try to make a connection and look for her version of true-love. IMNSHO, waiting until you're married to find out if you're sexually compatible with someone, is a grave mistake and just begs to open a nasty can of worms later on down the road.
TK,
You have the round peg in the square hole mentality.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
you write: "I am a virgin. I am saving myself for the right person. She knows this and that is why we haven't had sex. I am 22. I don't know how many of you feel out there, but I believe I'm at the right age to be thinking about a long term commitment. I don't want to make it with the wrong person."
I applaud you for taking your time in finding someone who you feel is right for you, but virginity does not guarantee that you're going to end up marrying the right person. Even if the woman you marry was a virgin herself, that alone doesn't make her the 'right' person by a long shot.
With regards to her not being forthcoming about who "Achilles" was, given the way that you've described the incident here, I can see why she would rather avoid a scene with you rather than hand over a neutron bomb for you to use later on against her in the relationship... you will get mad at her for not being 'perfect' and will reach into your bag of emotional ammunition and fling her relationship with Jason in her teeth.
There was nothing to hide. She wanted to avoid your drama.