Girlfriend with a promiscuous past..
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| Mon, 11-21-2005 - 6:40pm |
Hi everyone! Thanks for taking the time to read my post.
I've been dating my current girlfriend for the past 7 months or so. She is 3 years older than I am, but to us, age is just a number.
But her number is higher than mine.
She's had many more sexual relationships before me (totaling to 9 guys.. at least she says it's 9). The guy she was "seeing" right before me was someone she met at a bar and they shared only a physical and sexual relationship (booty call.)
I love my girlfriend, but I can't stop myself from thinking about her past. All I can think about are other men that have slept with her, and it makes me frustrated. Am I being selfish here? Or do I have a justified right to be angry? I know that people make mistakes, but making the same mistake 9 times? A little excessive??
What do I do? I know that it's in her past and that it's something she cannot change. And when I talk to her about how it bothers me that she has such a sexual past, she doesn't like to talk about it.
Thanks, everyone. Hopefully, I'll receive words of encouragement.

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It's not for you to judge her in that manner and use words like excessive. My opinion is it's hardly what I would call 'such a sexual past'.
To focus on this is not only immature, but just plain irrelevant. Make NOW your best moments with her and relax, that's what really counts.
Do you want to be #10?
:)
Hi!
My boyfriend and I both have things about our sexual past that we are not proud of. I have a high libido myself, which has led to me making some mistakes in the past and
there are things about my boyfriend I will not disclose because that is his business.
The point is, it's fine for it to bother you. Honestly, I would be more concerned if it didn't bother you. You have a right to be concerned about her having had many more sexual relationships than you, but if you let it get to you too much it's going to get in the way of what you have. Three years older is nothing, really, I agree. You should look on the bright side -- she's slept with nine guys, at least it's not twenty! You also know she has a decent libido. Some women aren't all that interested in sex, your girlfriend obviously is.
You love her, and I know when you love someone it's hard to let things like that go, but you need to work through it if you want to keep the relationship going strong. Like I said, it's healthy for it to bother you, it's not healthy for it to be in the front of your mind every time your with the person. She probably doesn't like to talk about it because she knows it bothers you and it's something she feels bad about that she can't change.
Good luck! Remember; you're human, it's okay for it to bother you, maybe it's just something YOU need to work through. If there's nothing about it SHE can change, maybe there's something YOU need to change.
>>>She's had many more sexual relationships before me (totaling to 9 guys.. at least she says it's 9). The guy she was "seeing" right before me was someone she met at a bar and they shared only a physical and sexual relationship (booty call.)<<<
I know the situation that you speak of, I was there years ago when I married. Your girl, if she said she had been with nine guys, it was probable more like 20, women rarely tell the truth about such things. Why are determined to be serious with her? You will live a life in hell wondering about her past, who she has been with, who is she thinking about, is she really going to be satisfied with one man, etc. etc. You are going to be 1,000% better off finding someone that shares your values on sex. You have been informed, what you do with the information is up to you.
you write: "She is 3 years older than I am, but to us, age is just a number. But her number is higher than mine."
If age isn't a big deal, why reiterate/amplify it?
you write: "I love my girlfriend, but I can't stop myself from thinking about her past. All I can think about are other men that have slept with her, and it makes me frustrated. Am I being selfish here? "
Yes, not only that, but you're being a drama queen. She didn't spring to life when you arrived on the scene, s0n.
you write: "Or do I have a justified right to be angry?"
No. You have absolutely no right to be angry about her past. It's not going to spin the earth backwards to the moment before she lost her virginity and her past has nothing to do with you.
you write: "I know that people make mistakes, but making the same mistake 9 times? A little excessive??"
So, what you're saying is that she isn't deserving of forgiveness? She the one human being on the face of the earth who doesn't get afforded that? Who are you to be so judgemental?
"What do I do? "
What do you do? Grow up. Or quit the relationship because you really don't love her. You love your illusion/idea of her, and because she isn't going to be living up to the impossibly high pedestal you've put her on, you feel that gives you the right to oppress her, berate her prior lifestyle and consider her beneath you solely because you haven't gotten laid yet.
you write: "I know that it's in her past and that it's something she cannot change. And when I talk to her about how it bothers me that she has such a sexual past, she doesn't like to talk about it. "
Gee, I wonder why? If it bothers you that bad, and you know you cannot change anything, then you need to take your idealistic nonsense and go find a virgin who is younger than you.
Hey! Welcome back, Cerryl, it's been a very long time!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
It's nice to see you again, Txguy2004, it's been a while!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
you write: "Your girl, if she said she had been with nine guys, it was probable more like 20, women rarely tell the truth about such things"
Perhaps it's because, as the line in the movie goes, some guys "can't handle the truth..." And if it's in the past, who she's been with is none of his business, anyway, excepting issues of STD's, and still, all he needs to know is that she either has it or doesn't--not how she came about contracting it. Her past doesn't concern him--only the present and the future, if there's going to even be a future.
The day some guys catch a clue that life doesn't spring into existence for a girl just because he woke up that day and decided he want a relationship with said girl is the day he will be far happier.
Edited 11/24/2005 7:25 pm ET by quenek
>>Her past doesn't concern him--only the present and the future, if there's going to even be a future<<
I've got to admit that I believe that a person's past does matter to a degree. If I am hiring someone to do a job, I take into consideration their work history and past stability. I look for things in their resume such as commitment and work ethic. And I believe that a person's past can indicate what will be in their future.
To be honest, if I was dating a new man, I'd want to know about his past. Because if he has a recent history of frequent relationships of a 2 month duration, I'd view it as a red flag. Why can't he do commitment? Given his recent history, will I take a chance on him? Probably not. Or at least not without discussion regarding the matter.
That's not to say that people don't change...because one can live a promiscuous life and decide to settle down when they find the right person. Just a someone who's been a contractor in their job can suddenly find the need for commitment and job security.
But if we consider one's past when hiring an employee - why not consider their past if you're about to give away your heart? Especially when you consider that giving away your heart is a far more risky prospect than hiring a new employee.
That's non sequitur. We're not talking about employment on this thread. We're talking about the right to our pasts and the right not to be treated oppressively in a relationship by someone who won't accept that we've lived life before we met them. If they can't accept it, then they need to walk away.
RE: employment--if you don't like a person's past, then don't hire them... but you don't have a right to kvetch and moan and lord it over them til times get better.
>>and the right not to be treated oppressively in a relationship by someone who won't accept that we've lived life before we met them. If they can't accept it, then they need to walk away<<
Absolutely! While I DO like to find out what someone's past consists of, if I didn't like their past, I wouldn't date them. I certainly wouldn't keep dating them if their past bothered me.
>>employment--if you don't like a person's past, then don't hire them... but you don't have a right to kvetch and moan and lord it over them til times get better<<
YES! In my mind, it's exactly the same theory in relationships. Switch the word 'hire' to 'date' and you've got my theory in one. "If you don't like a person's past, then don't DATE them. But you don't have a right to kvetch and moan and lord it over them til times get better"
At the end of the day, it really does come back to finding someone who has similar morals and beliefs to you.
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