Going separate ways....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
Going separate ways....
22
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 5:38pm

What do you do when it seems that no matter what you do, your marriage is failing...all over.

I think I hold so much dislike for him for a few reasons, his parents are always constantly involved in our lives. When I have addressed this to him in the past he says they are his parents and can do what they want. I cant help but feel 2nd or 3rd place, like I don't count unless he needs me for something.

I have a love of animals and he doesnt, this is causing me so much stress. He spent 6 years with me and a cat (since died) and had allergies back then. Now his allergies (according to his doctor) are so bad that he cant be around any furred animals. Yet when we go to his brothers (1 dog and 1 cat) my sisters (3 cats) and my parents (1 cat) he has no symptoms. I have always had pets in my life and for me to spend the rest of my life without one, I just can't. It makes me sad. Dont get me wrong I know it would be hard on him but he is not willing to even try taking any medication for his allergies. I feel empty and I dont expect some people to understand.

It feels like I am constantly giving things up to be with him but he sacrifices nothing.

I'm depressed and I think about leaving because to be perfectly honest I'm tired of fighting.

There are so many other issues but these ones are the ones that I am thinking about most.

Has anyone got any suggestions?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2005
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 11:20pm

I would just like to interject on the allergy issue...


Some allergic reactions affect your immune system in a way that its constantly fighting against the stressor and physically makes the person really really TIRED and DRAINED.


This explains some people who have some food allergies, pollen/dust allergies, dander/fur allergies. It would be okay for a day or three, but as a constant stressor its just not doable.


That said --- I am a fur-lover! See my siggy....we have 5 furbabies.


I'm sorry you guys are having problems. The ladies here are great with relationship advice! I don't have the ton of life experience, so I just interject when I feel its necessary.


(((HUGS))) chica!


Piano Teacher, Fur-mom Extraordinaire!

~MissApril
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 12:58am

No, I don't think you're having any trouble writing consistently, and I didn't think the name calling was daily. Verbal abuse, or any abuse for that matter isn't daily. In fact, there was a post on the Domestic violence board about the span between abusive episodes and how that further kept them confused and stuck. I found it very interesting, and I related to it completely from my previous marriage:
Update and Confusion...
Inconsistent verbal attacks (big and small) are normal. Face it, wouldn't it be easy to leave if there were nothing but attacks 24/7, day in and day out? The fact that they don't happen all the time is a big reason women stay stuck in those relationships for so darned many years. I'd love it if you'd listen to this taped interview with Lundy Bancroft, an expert on abusive men, it's very insightful and explains a ton, so much better than I ever could:
Why Does He Do That? Interview w/Lundy

The counseling. You indicate you completed "one round". How long is a round? Did you stop because your therapist felt you'd accomplished everything there was to accomplish or because you felt like it was enough? What you shared about your childhood is huge, the lessons we learn in childhood, even when they're incorrect, are the most difficult to overcome. I know your husband changed 100% after marriage, but I have to wonder if you didn't somehow see or sense things that made him like your father, striking that subconscious urge and attracting you to him to finally have the chance to "right the wrong" you lived with in childhood. It all fits pretty well into the mold.


You said you left for a month, coming back at his insistence that he'd changed. No one changes in 30 days. Changes don't happen that quickly. They say it takes 6 months of doing something daily to become a habit, it takes a full year to be a life time change. 30 days is a drop in the bucket, it's not indicative of anything. Well, actually it is indicative of something, it's indicative of a person who can do something enough to get what he wants (in this case it was to get you to come back). That was his goal, not changing himself. Do you see the difference? If he didn't like who he was, how he acted or what he did, he'd be motivated to change regardless of whether you were in his life or not, the change would be for him, not you. In this case, what he wanted was to get you back, and in order to do that, he had to make some changes, which he did. Once his goal was reached (you were back) and you'd been back long enough for him to feel confident and relaxed in the relationship again, he slid right back to his old behavior. Why? Because his real goal, his real desire had been achieved, he could stop the work he had to do to make it happen. My ex did the same thing with alcohol rehab. He never did want to stop drinking, he just wanted to keep me from leaving him. Thirty days later he was out of treatment and it wasn't long after that we began that slide back to the same place we'd been before. Proof he didn't really want to stop drinking ? Seven years after we divorced, he's the same person he'd been while we were together for those 17 years. Exactly the same, the drinking, the verbal abuse (except it was his girlfriend that got it, not me), all of it. Hindsight is great, I know. But I say to you, in 30 days he says he's changed? Great, keep it up for a year while we're apart and we'll talk. But go back to him? Uh huh. Same for me, if I had it to do over, I'd still applaud his going to rehab but would tell him until he'd been clean and sober for a full year I'd not consider going back. Of course now, recognizing the verbal abuse I didn't understand then, I'd never entertain going back for a second. In fact, I have to say the 30 days he spend in rehab was the most peaceful, blissful, wonderful time for me. How was your 30 day separation?


Yes, if people don't respect your wishes after a time, absolutely you need to re-establish them. Being treated poorly, your requests and preferences not being respected is unacceptable and saying nothing and letting them run back over you tells them they only have to "be nice" for a little while then they can go back to doing whatever they want. This is your life, you establish the rules of how you want your environment to be. It's your right and it's your duty. Who's going to do it for you? Would they behave the same way if someone consistently did something they didn't like? I doubt it. No, you shouldn't have to tell your husband over and over to do things around the house (but if you want kids you'd better get ready to do a lot of repeated demands -- especially as they get older, daily reminders (and I use the term loosely) are the norm. Frustrating???? Hell yes! Back to you :) If it's a matter of taking the whole load or reminding him that it's half his to tow, absolutely remind him. I doubt he's "forgetting", it's more likely that he knows he only needs to go through the motions a few times then he can "forget" and you'll pick up the slack, leaving him free of any duties. That sends the message that he doesn't have to be responsible, it tells him you'll do it all. "No one can take advantage of you without your permission." And you're giving plenty of permission. You have every right to say, "I am sick and friggin' tired of doing it all and I will not tolerate this any longer. Do your share and do it all the time or do it all when I've walked out of here." (but don't say it if you're not prepared to follow it up with action) but to take it and do it all, you're allowing it to happen, you're giving him permission to take advantage of you.


If those were your only problems, perhaps you could resolve them, but you've got a husband who's verbally abusive, who doesn't respect your wants, needs, desires and wishes, who doesn't view you as important, certainly doesn't view you as a partner. Who apparently, feels that you're stuck in this marriage (he's not getting a divorce, he's Catholic) and thinks he's free to do whatever he wants (and he does that -- no consideration given to you at all) while you do all the work. That's not a marriage, certainly not a partnership, that's a slave/master relationship. He is the ruler and you are the subordinate. Your job is to handle everything while he does as he chooses. It's been like this for ten years, it's not going to change. In your eyes he changed when you got married, in reality, the change was while you were dating, when you married he stopped pretending and became the person he really is.







~ cl-2nd_life

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but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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