Good relationship books?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2006
Good relationship books?
8
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 5:51pm

Hi,

I am clinging to a sliver of hope that my relationship is salvagable ... my boyfriend is willing to go to counseling and I would like to find a good book to help us improve our communication issues and illuminate other issues in our relationship. He has a really hard time communicating and he cannot give me a commitment, yet he gets resentful when I want to leave. He feels that my wanting to walk away shows that I'm not willing to fight for the relationship or make him feel the way I want him to feel, yet he cannot even say that I am "the one" or that he sees a future for us. He seems to be putting everything on me, but I need to feel that he feels strongly enough to want to fight for the relationship too. Please let me know if you have any titles you can recommend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 8:39pm

He isn't willing to commit wholly and completely to you yet gets mad when you don't know that you can live with that?

I'm not sure I have any good books to suggest. I sure a good licensed couples counselor might.

Jen





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 10:43pm
This guy who has a hard time communicating is willing to go to counseling and you're not taking him up on it?


WHY???


Counseling is the optimum place for resolving your issues (his and yours), learning to communicate, really get through your problems, and learn tools that will continue to help you work with each other and communicate with each other better for the rest of your lives. Forget the book -- see the counselor!!!!! And if you really want to read a book, ask the counselor to recommend a book that would be best for you and for your situation. The counselor will be able to offer a book based on what's best for your needs, we can't do that.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2006
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 11:14pm
Thanks - we are looking for a counselor to go to, but in the meantime, I thought we could start with a book. If you have any tips on how to find a good counselor, let me know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 12:05am
A few tips and suggestions:


REFERRALS FOR A QUALIFIED THERAPIST
YOUR THERAPIST/COUNSELOR'S CREDENTIALS
Will Couples Counseling Help?
Counselor Find
Dictionary of Initial, Acronym, and Abbreviation Used by Counselors and Social Workers?


Great post on couples counseling, and more from therapist friend:

Most therapists are NOT adequately trained to do marriage therapy. ASK DIRECTLY what qualifications they have to do marriage counseling. It's a whole different animal than individual therapy. A poorly trained therapist can actually make matters WORSE!! The best therapists are the ones who make the MARRIAGE their "client," and they advocate for the relationship rather than for either of the individuals.


The most important thing is to ask the right questions, and most of them can be answered in one session, or even over the phone ahead of time if the therapist agrees to it. You already have some good ones in your posting. Do you ever take sides? why or why not? What's the goal - what do you hope my marriage will look like when we're "done?" What kind of training have you had specifically for marriage counseling? Do you give homework? How often will you see us? Do you always see us together, or will you see us separately too? How long are your clients usually in therapy?


In all honesty, men usually respond better to a male therapist - they don't feel as ganged up on as if they're sitting in a room with two women. And going to therapy is HARDER for men than for women in most cases. They go expecting to be beat up on, whined at & told they're the problem - by the therapist as well as their wife. They don't generally go with positive expectations (like women do), so it takes them more courage. For most men I know, going to a therapist is admitting they're a total failure as a husband and man.


Usually neither person is "right" - they're just different from each other, which starts to feel like the right way (mine) & the wrong way (yours)in a real hurry! I love to tell people "you can be right, or you can be married, but you can't be both!"


Fees usually range $75 for a master's-level therapist to $175 for a psychologist. Beware: prices and degrees aren't an accurate indication of the quality of treatment. A busy schedule is! Look for someone who's licensed as a marriage & family therapist (LMFT), NEVER agree to see an intern, and don't expect to find a therapist at your local mental health center. Most insurance companies DO NOT cover marital therapy (they're stupid) - they need an "identified patient" with an attached diagnosis before they'll pay. So most couples agree to submit the sessions under one person's name, or bill every other session to each name so that both partners are "identified patients" and neither feels singled out.


And there's no such thing as a neutral therapist!!! Everybody has values, and they are what fuels therapy, even if the therapist never expresses them openly. For example, if your therapist believes that affairs can be positive in a marriage, or that divorce is "normal" and expected, he/she will handle your relationship very differently than someone who believes in fidelity or who thinks divorces should be avoided if possible.

Hope that helps. How many counselors have you contacted so far?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2006
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 2:31pm

Thanks for the information. It's really helpful. I made an appointment with one off of my providers list, but then cancelled because I found her website which indicated that she's a lesbian. I just wasn't sure if she would have the perspective that we needed. I've left a message for another and will ask her the questions that you suggest.

My boyfriend and I aren't married, but I haven't found any listings for counselors who only do couples counseling as opposed to marriage counseling. The first therapist I spoke to said that these involve the same issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 4:09pm

Well, I am not an expert or anything, but just from the small paragraph you posted, your boyfriend sounds (at least slightly) commitment-phobic. Have you heard of the book "Men Who Can't Love"? I think that might be a worthwhile book, at least for you to read, but maybe for him too. I found it to be a real eye-opener when I read it. You can get it for almost nothing on amazon.com:

http://www.amazon.com/Men-Who-Can-t-Love/dp/0425111709/ref=dp_return_1/103-5891934-1591049?ie=UTF8&n=283155&s=books

Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 11:21pm
Couples counseling and marriage counseling are the same thing; just replace the word "marriage" for "couples" wherever it comes up -- of course. If you aren't comfortable working with a gay counselor, then it's certainly not the right place for you to be, but relationship issues are the same, gay or straight, as are the way you deal with them. I'd say the decision about whether or not a counselor is right for you is in personality and in their approach, which you can learn by asking questions up front.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2006
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 1:41pm
Thanks for the book suggestion. Just reading the reviews of the book on Amazon.com is interesting, since I can empathize with the issues discussed in those posts. Also, he's divorced and said that he had doubts even up to the night before the wedding. I always just figured his ex-wife wasn't the one, while I was. Now, I see that that was probably a huge sign. He's just such a different person and defensive all the time. Sounds like this book will be illuminating for me. BTW, we are supposed to go to counseling this week.