gray area-, please advise

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
gray area-, please advise
38
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 9:54am

My guy and I broke up in early November because of continuous complications. We were together for one year. If u ask me, it was his immaturity and a certain unresolvable "gap" communicatively between us.

Well, starting around Thanksgiving time we started "seeing" eachother again and this has continued to this day. It is usually about twice a week and we spend the night whenever feasible.

It has mostly been a troubled and confusing time for me because we never really split and I still love him so much, knowing he does love me back as well. Also, the tenderness and chemistry between us is undeniable. Throughout this time we have both instigated talks about "us" and what happened but always arrived at the same end point = it just isn't right between us. However, he will sometimes bring up us getting back together and moving forward to the "next stage" meaning the road to marriage. We are both 27.

In fact, the last few times we have been together he brought up how he had wanted to marry me and actually thought about asking me. Mostly I am silent in response in that I thought about it but so thought he was not ready, nor I. I would have gotten engaged but it would have to have been a long engagement for sure.

Well, these past few months of us "hanging out" have been completely private, and just by ourselves. Our friends know we do this though.

So last weekend he moved into an apartment, out of his parents' house with two friends. I was away for the weekend and last night received his invite to come over and see the place and hang out. Well it ends up that my guy and his two guy friends and their girlfriends and I all end up watching a movie together - its the first time hanging out with them since the break and I felt a bit weird but ultimately felt that they knew what he and I were doing and that if my guy wan't uncomfortable, then I wouldn't be.

I spent the night with him and for the first time , we really had a communication bond of a sort. Not to say it hasn't been like that before, but it felt so genuine! PLUS, when my best friend called to chat about an issue of hers, he was chiming in and also trying to give her advice through me on the phone - a.k.a making his presence totally apparant.

What does this mean????????????? Is he trying to discreetly re-establish us as a couple?

Note that I'm not desparate or upset about this. I just want more perspective because I'm not the most experienced about men's emotions and actions. I have actually accepted that men and women are WORLDS apart so ....

Please advise. THANKS!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 10:20am

What does this guy have that will make him a good husband and father (assuming you want children)? What qualities does he have that you respect and admire? What are the reasons you want to be with him?

Don't let him secretly re-establish you as a couple unless you are ready to move forward with him, as is, without thinking you can change him or that at some point he will grow up and become the man you think he can be.

My guess is that if you want to date him, date him. But keep an eye out for more evidence of his immaturity and lack of the ability for you to communicate with each other. Those are red flags and you should not ignore them.

Someone said on another board that the hardest one's to let go are the relationships that are close but just not quite right. It's easy to keep struggling to make it work because it seems like an achievable goal. In this case, you might be a lot better off if you just let it go and set your sights on men who are already mature and who can communicate well with you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 11:21am

What have you done to resolve the issues that caused you to break up?








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 11:33am

Problem is, I dont think he even thinks about what went wrong or why - more to the point, I suspect he doesn't want to really resolve it.

I'm not going to bring anything up because I dont even know if I really want to formalize things. My ultimate questions is this =

Do his actions imply he is casually re-establishing "us"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 11:38am

>>>Do his actions imply he is casually re-establishing "us"?<<<

My guess is yes - he wants the relationship without having to officially say he's committed to you or that he's willing to give what you need in the relationship. Re-establishing the relationship benefits him, does it benefit you? Is it what you want? Why do you want it? Is it because he's shown signs of maturity or is it that he is comfortable and you don't want to be alone?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 11:44am








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 12:10pm

hmmm, I'm not sure that I even want to be back with him formerly yet - i'm still figuring it all out. I like being around him but he so has to grow up more and work on "us".

So the answer really is, for me, that I dont WANT anything right now. Simply, I just want to understand the actions I see on his part so I am aware of what is going on. I keep occupied and active elsewhere so I am not sitting around "waiting for him."

I just need the perspective for now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 12:37pm

I don't get it. On one hand your saying you don't really want to officially be in a relatinship with him, on the other hand your saying you want a future but he needs to change to be right fory ou.

If you dont' want a relationship, then why do you need answers? Go with the flow, see it as FWB, or a longer term one-night-stand so to speak and when it's done it's done. Who cares what his intent is if you don't want anything more than today anyway?

But when yo usay he needs to grow up and the other stuff, it sounds like you want this to become more. If that's the case, playing girlfriend -- sleeping with him without offically being a couple -- wont' get you anything but the title of "I'll sleep with a guy without being his girlfriend". It won't lead to a relationship.

It sounds like you need to figure out what you want before you go further. Either you want more than a bed partner or you don't. If you don't want more then his intentions shouldn't matter, if you do then what your doing is killing your chances.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 12:46pm

If u put it that way, then I guess I do want more. Its just that I know we have this connection, like two people who are just so similar and would fit so well "if only" he would starighten out a little. I do believe he is trying to do just that, in his own way.

I would just rather protect my feelings and not feel like this is a re-establishment to an extent. At the same time, I would like a re-establishment.

It just totally through me for a loop that he wanted and intended me to be there with his buddies and their GFs and, moreover, the following talk about spending nights, etc.

What a mess, but then again, nothing is ever crystal clear - right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 12:51pm
I think you have to figure what you want to get out of the relationship first. And if you do want a relationship with him, it needs to be because of who he is today, not who he might decide to be down the road.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 1:11pm

If you do want more and want to protect your feelings Ithink you'd better find out from him what's going on before this goes any further. Otherwise you will get hurt. If you don't want to reestablish a relationship, then don't you think staying away from him until you do want to reestablish is the right thing to do? Sex without a relationship won't keep you from getting hurt, it'll get you hurt. Pretending your not in a relationship but behaving like you are will get you hurt too. Sounds lke you jsut want to sneak around with him and have sex without admitting to anyone that your seeing him again, but that doesn't make sense when you say you want more. I think you need to do more thinking about what you want and maybe what youwant your reputation to be, or at least how you want to think of yourself.

Things aren't always crystal clear, but they don't need to be as muddy as your making them either. Your choosing to stay in the dark. How can that help?

If only he's straighten out a little is like saying this shirt would be perfect if only it wasn't torn. The shirts still torn and he's still not quite right no matter how you wish it would be. If he's not right the way he is, he's not right. He is who he is. accept him like he is without change or move on.

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