a great guy, but maybe not the right guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
a great guy, but maybe not the right guy
15
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 5:43pm
i don't really have a problem, more of a concern of where my relationship is going with this bf. he's awesome, ambitious, goal oriented, family oriented, he treats me with respect and i see in the way he looks/talks/listens to me that he truly does care about me. but sometimes i get the feeling that we're not right for each other. our hobbies are as different as night at day. there are certain things about his personality that i just want to slap out of him. this guy has no self-esteem issues, which is a good thing, but sometimes it leads to him being cocky and in turn, gives me feelings that it doesn't matter if i were with him or not. there are times i feel like i want more from a relationship that he's just not offering.
i know opposites attract. one reason i'm attracted to him is because of his passion for his hobbies. we enjoy each others' company, our sex life is still amazing, and we based our relationship on honesty and trust.
maybe i'm asking or expecting too much or stirring the pot for no good reason, but i can't help but feel that although he's a great, great guy, maybe he's not the right one for me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 6:41pm

maryjane04,


You know I've never understood why people say and go with that "opposite's attract" thing and use it to stay in relationships that sometimes they shouldn't be in.

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 6:44pm

When I found myself in the position you're in, I read a book called Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 8:13pm
we've been together for about a year and a half. i guess i failed to mention that our values and beliefs are the same. we've both come from a christian back ground. and another great thing about this relationship is that we find ourselves praying together, which i've found rarely common in the dating couples world. we're not complete opposites, it's just that he's passionate about things i don't care much about at all. and i'm open minded, i've gone fishing with him, i've rode on the back of his motorcycle plenty of times. and when i say i want more from a relationship, i want to feel like i can completely depend on him for anything i would need, not that i would take advantage, but to feel that security that he would put my needs above his own, and i don't have that security. and perhaps this relationship is too young for that level, but do i stand in hopes that it'll evolve to that-- that this relationship will evolve more to something that i want it to be?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 11:58pm

>>but to feel that security that he would put my needs above his own<<

Maryjane, there's a word for someone who puts someone else's needs in front of their own: Doormat.

Do you seriously want someone who puts your needs in front of his own? Because this type of person is a terrible drag in a relationship. And with this type of person, you'll find yourself making ALL the decisions in the relationship. Everything from "what shall we do today?" to "what should we eat tonight?". And this type of person will never tell you how they really feel - instead they'll tell you what you want to hear.

Be careful of what you wish for.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 5:06am

that's definitely not what i want in a relationship-- a doormat. but this is a very confident guy who likes to emphasize his accomplishments, his wants and such and i catch myself sitting there adding to it. i don't want him to ALWAYS put my needs above his, but to realize that there are times when it needs to be about me.

and on a side note, i do like that he's confident. i definitely find it an attractive quality. the troublesome part is that it can get boarderline cocky.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 5:29am

If you have an uneasy feeling about the relationship, I think you should pay attention to it. Your feelings of insecurity regarding his willingness to sometimes prioritize your needs are not likely to be resolved, and after a few years of marriage, his cockiness will become a real pain.

In the final analysis, you are the only one who can decide about your relationship, and if you decide to end it, the decision doesn't have to be mutual. If you are otherwise happy with him, however, and there is no urgency to resolve this right away, you might consider just keeping things as they are for another year, to see if additional maturity or improved communication brings about an improvement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 5:54am

thanks for the advice geoteo.

the relationship is definitely not where i want it to be, but i think he is learning as well seeing that i am the longest relationship he's ever been in, (a yr and a half). i still stand up for him and say he's an awesome guy: respectful, loving, ambitious-- just arrogant at times. and for that last trait, it isn't entirely his fault because i see how his mom treats him and sets him up on a pedestal, and that's what he's used to; that's what motivates him. but i'm not gonna be that person for him. i don't want the role of always tooting his horn. so when we're in the car and he makes a comment like, "i'm so proud of myself for finishing that project" or "none of the other guys can scrape the bar like me" (something to do with motorcycle stunting) the only comment i can come back with is "yeah, that's so great." which reinforces the problem altogether.

i love that he's passionate about his hobbies. i think it's awesome that he's one of those guys that excels in everything he does. but i fear he wants someone like his mother, and i don't want to be that for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 9:46am

>>just arrogant at times. and for that last trait, it isn't entirely his fault because i see how his mom treats him and sets him up on a pedestal, and that's what he's used to; that's what motivates him.<<

Oh goodness.

It's not going to get better. The arrogance will stay. And once you're married (potentially) he will expect you to treat him like his mom did and when you don't stroke the ego he will get resentful....

Can you tell I'm there? I married a guy whose mother thought was perfect, could never do wrong, and whose every movement was celebrated as a proof of his divinity. And do you want to know what my biggest turn of in ANYONE is now? Arrogance. Can't STAND it. Not for a minute. And he resented that I didn't think as "highly" of him as his mom did. While it hasn't been ALL terrible (I wouldn't still be here if it was 100% bad), it's not been fun. And I don't think, if I could go back and know what'd I'd go through without having the emotional investment of so many years of marriage and children, that I would do it again. It's been A LOT of work and stress and heartache.

So, is he the right guy for you? My take is, if you have to ask the question then no. He isn't. Unless you are a total committment phobe.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 12:02pm

maryjane,


That kind of arrogance doesn't go away over time; if anything, it's bound to increase.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 5:01pm

since now its on my heart more than ever, i'm gonna go through with the talk with him and pray that he won't be defensive. if i can see a change in him, then great. if it turns downhill, then i guess he really isn't the right one for me.
thank you for the help and advice.

this was the first time i did one of these message board topics and i'm amazed by how many responses i got.
thank you.

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