a great guy, but maybe not the right guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
a great guy, but maybe not the right guy
15
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 5:43pm
i don't really have a problem, more of a concern of where my relationship is going with this bf. he's awesome, ambitious, goal oriented, family oriented, he treats me with respect and i see in the way he looks/talks/listens to me that he truly does care about me. but sometimes i get the feeling that we're not right for each other. our hobbies are as different as night at day. there are certain things about his personality that i just want to slap out of him. this guy has no self-esteem issues, which is a good thing, but sometimes it leads to him being cocky and in turn, gives me feelings that it doesn't matter if i were with him or not. there are times i feel like i want more from a relationship that he's just not offering.
i know opposites attract. one reason i'm attracted to him is because of his passion for his hobbies. we enjoy each others' company, our sex life is still amazing, and we based our relationship on honesty and trust.
maybe i'm asking or expecting too much or stirring the pot for no good reason, but i can't help but feel that although he's a great, great guy, maybe he's not the right one for me.

Pages

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 5:59pm

Before I met my husband, I was dating a man who was a really great guy. We were together for a couple years, but over time I realized that he was just not a good fit for me. We were in love, enjoyed spending time together, had common interests, and all of that, and he was definitely a responsible, kind, compassionate, stand up guy. Unfortunately, we wanted different things in life. It is hard to explain in concrete terms, but basically I think it boiled down to the fact that he was just more traditional than I am. I knew it just wasn't going to work long term, so I ended the relationship. At the time, I wasn't even totally sure why, just a gut feeling and I went with it. And it turned out to be a good choice. I am not sure he ever really understood why we split - I don't think he saw the incompatibilities like I did, or maybe he didn't think they mattered as much, that I would somehow become what he wanted in a partner - I don't know. Either way though, it was a good decision.

Anyway - I am not sure what you should do in your situation, I just wanted to post to let you know that you might have very good reasons to be concerned about your relationship and just because you've got a good man, that doesn't necesarily mean you are stirring the pot for no reason.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 9:48pm
maryjane, I'm glad we were able to help you out -- you're right, these message boards can be an amazing thing!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 11:39pm
Maryjane, you got some great thoughts and advice. I noticed that as the conversation went on down the thread, more and more red flags came up. What I can tell you that hadn't been said is that a trait that drives you crazy now will be amplified about a million times and will drive you nuts down the road. If some aspects of him drive you nuts now, it's not worth sticking it out for, really. I the book Kim suggested is great, I highly recommend it.


Did you have your talk? How did it go?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 5:23am
so... i had the talk with the boyfriend last week.
and we're doing a lot better.
after one of our nights out i'm laying in bed and i just couldn't get it off my mind. so i decided to call him around 2 in the morning. :-\
i could barely put it into words. i told him i felt something wrong between us and that i felt it for a while now. prefacing this with "we always said to be open and to communicate with each other," i said i felt this relationship was all about him and i basically said he was egotistic. i was giving all these examples and he just felt like he got slapped in face because he didn't know where any of these feelings were coming from-- talk about lack of communication, i know. i expected him to be defensive, and he was. he started naming off a few things himself. i mentioned the whole replacing his mother thing and he couldn't understand. i kept reiterating that whether its true or not-- that it was how i FELT. then complete silence for about 7-8 minutes, which felt sooo much longer. we weren't getting anywhere so i asked him if he just wanted to go to bed because he had work early the next day. so that was that.
i didn't talk to him 'till after he got off work. our conversation was normal, we didn't mention the conversation from the night before. we decided to go out to dinner and i thought it be a good a time as any to bring it up again.
this time, i made it a lot simpler. i just told him i know this came out of nowhere and that next time, i'll speak my mind and tell him how i feel right when its happening. and since he already knew the reasons why i was feeling the way i was because of the first talk, i think he made a mental note because i notice a HUUGE difference in our conversations. although we didn't sort through every detail he at least knows the problem exists and there's a noticable change in him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 3:07am
Good for you for being open and honest in telling him the problems you had with the relationship; it's important to be able to verbalize what's not right, it's reaffirming and healthy.


But -- there was no resolution, no discussion, you have no idea what he's thinking, what he plans to do about it, anything; it's still unresolved. Great that you notice an improvement, but if these are deep seated problems and/or personality issues like you've suggested they are, they aren't going to change. Sure, he may adapt his behavior for a while, but his real personality will come back out, you can't be someone you aren't and keep it up for long (not happily, anyway) and if he has issues, they'll need the help of a therapist to work through. I'm glad things are better, but I doubt it'll last.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

Pages