the green-eyed monster

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
the green-eyed monster
15
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 6:48pm

Been struggling with jealousy the entire time I've been with my boyfriend of 2+ years and it is finally getting out of control. He is giving me one more chance to try and tame the green-eyed beast because he can't take my childish behaviors anymore. Here's the story:

My boyfriend used to be in a successful rock band and is used to girls being around him, making passes, and just flirting in general. He's been out of the band for awhile even before we got together but girls will still call or email every now and then. He's never given me a reason to be suspicious or not to trust him, but I do have low self esteem and I find myself feeling threatened/jealous just by the thought of girls calling and trying to re-connect with him. I feel like I do trust him but it is the girls making passes that I am most angered about. He used to tell me when girls would call and what their deal was but he noticed a pattern in my reactions. I'd either blatantly tell him I was mad or would give him the silent treatment. He learned quickly that maybe it wasn't best to tell me if a girl is flirtatious or gives him a call so he stopped. Of course this then became a problem because I knew he was withholding information from me, even though he was just witholding it to avoid conflict, not because he actually felt like he had a secret. This went on for awhile and my BF would just stop answering calls altogether and only call his male friends back. He thought if he could just avoid upsetting me, we'd both be happier in our relationship. I do realize that having him do that is probably unhealthy and he'll only harbor resentments towards me because of it, but our relationship was perfect other than this problem.

Now that we're down to the last straw, I feel that it is very important that I do whatever I can to help myself. I know that jealousy stems from another problem and I believe my problem is my low self esteem. I've told my BF that I want him to be completely honest and tell me everything (when a girl calls, who she is, etc) and he has agreed to but he needs me to not start a fight every time he shares this information with me. He needs me to trust that what he tells me is the whole truth and not even suspect that there might be something else going on. I don't think his requests are too outlandish and I feel that if I can reach a point where I'll just completely trust him, things can be repaired and he won't have to block calls from all people from the opposite sex. The only problem is I do not know how to control my jealousy. I am looking for any advice and anyone that might have a similar problem and would like to encourage each other.

I thank you for reading.

Kylee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 7:44pm

Kylee,


You have a bit more insight than a lot of women do -- you realize that your jealousy is your issue, not your boyfriend's, and that it stems from your own insecurity.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 8:10pm
I've explored the idea of going into counseling but have never gone through with it. My health insurance does not cover any mental health and from what I've heard, counseling sessions can be quite expensive especially in Hollywood, CA where I live. Are there low-income counselors out there? I definitely think I could benefit from it and would love the opportunity to gain control of my life. Thanks for the response.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 8:16pm
I would call around, or maybe get referrals from people you know (if you're comfortable with that).
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 8:53pm
Great idea! I noticed on psychologytoday.com (site where you can search for counselors) a lot of them said sliding scale but I just wasn't sure what that meant. Looks like I'm on the right path. Thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 8:56pm

No problem, Kylee, check back in with us and let us know how it's going! :)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 11:46pm

Kylee,
I'm not so sure I wouldn't be jealous either if my bf were getting tons of phone calls from other women all the time.
A suggestion, if he has a cell phone, couldn't he just change his number so these girls wouldn't have his new number and be calling him all the time?

As far as low self-esteem, yes I think many of us suffer from this and it's no wonder that we do. Try to address that also but I still might inquire about the changing numbers thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 10:47pm

Well, the phone calls from girls have stopped for the most part. He has had the same cell # for years now so once in awhile he'll get phone calls from girls from the past just calling to catch up or that are hoping to stay under his radar. It used to be a lot worse but since he stopped returning calls I think they've mostly taken the hint. When it does happen though, is when I let my jealousy get out of control. I know he doesn't want to change his number because he has had it for so long and wants the people he does want to hear from to still be able to reach him if they ever need to.

Just an update on me, I found a low-income counseling center and have my first appointment this week. I think once I work on my self esteem, confidence I will be a lot happier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 11:24pm

Hang on there, Kylee, according to your last post, this issue may well not be quite so squarely on you:


negativity hurting relationship


In that post you said he'd cheated on girlfriends in the past and that can be a logical reason to be concerned and suspicious, especially when he's flirty and has girls calling, emailing, etc. I asked some questions in my response to you in that post, but you didn't answer. It would be helpful and pertinent to your post here to know the answers to the questions I asked then. I think it's also important to know if he feels any responsibility to show himself to be faithful, understanding that he's cheated in the past and has girls around him a lot now. I'm wondering how he'd feel if the tables were turned; suppose you were the ex-cheater and had guys around you all the time. How would he feel? Would he completely trust you and feel no concern? Would he expect you to go to extra measures to assure him you were being faithful? I think those are questions and issues that very much enter into your situation.


As far as therapists in your area, check with your county, city or local mental health office for low income mental health referrals. If you're not in need of low income, you can call individual therapists and ask for their fees, ask if they charge on a sliding scale and/or accept billing. If they don't, ask them if they can suggest a therapist who does. I'm sure there are many overpriced therapists in the Hollywood area, but there are plenty of "regular" people who need help too, and there are certainly therapists who's fee schedule can accommodate them. If you need more help locating affordable counseling, let me know and I'll do a little more digging.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 1:48pm

I am so thankful you brought that other post up as I had forgotten all about it, hence my not responding to your questions. Our relationship has only gotten stronger since that post (a year ago) and I feel like I trust him way more now than I did then, but my jealousy still irks me.

I have never been cheated on but my father had an emotional affair with another woman about 5 years ago. That has ended and my parents are still together, but I suspect that witnessing and being affected by something like that has played an interesting role in my being able to trust someone.

I think he thinks he has (and continues) to show himself to be faithful and I think I should feel that he is faithful as well. He has made it clear that I am the only one he wants to spend his life with and wishes I could look toward the future and not so much in the past. He doesn't want me to judge him for what he has done because he is ashamed of his cheating ways. I truly believe that, too.

I've asked him how he would feel if the tables were turned and he claims to be very secure in our relationship. He trusts that I will never hurt him therefore he has nothing to be concerned about. I'm allowed to have male friends and he wants to be "allowed" to have female friends, not because he needs female friends or has any he really wants to hang out with, but just because of the principal. Of course, if I don't feel comfortable with that, then he'll just continue to write girls off. Because I know he doesn't have female friends and will most likely never hang out with any without me, it is a little easier for me to accept, but when I think about him hanging out with a girl alone, that is when I get really uncomfortable, even though it hasn't happened yet!

Thanks for responding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 9:41pm

I have to say, I'm a little concerned by some of what you're saying, Kylee:


"I think he thinks he has (and continues) to show himself to be faithful and I think I should feel that he is faithful as well." Kylee, he can think he's shown himself to be faithful all he wants, but just because he thinks he's showing you sufficiently doesn't mean that you feel the same. This isn't about him announcing everything's fine and you *have* to believe it because he's telling you it's so. I get the feeling you're being railroaded and controlled by what you said in that statement and I think it's further suggested by the way you finish the statement, "I think I should feel that he is faithful as well." Maybe you think you should feel the same, but if you don't, you don't. Belief and trust in someone aren't things you can just decide to have, they aren't things you can force. You also said, "... wishes I could look toward the future and not so much in the past. He doesn't want me to judge him for what he has done because he is ashamed of his cheating ways." It's great that he wants you to feel this way and that he wants you to focus in the direction he prefers, but what he wants isn't the issue here and his pressure isn't going to make it so, in fact, his pressure will make it harder for you to trust, believe, relax. He may not want you to judge him for what he has done because he is ashamed of his cheating ways, but the fact is he did them and being aware and concerned is wise. Facing what you've done isn't always easy, but that's how it goes. Maybe I'm concerned for nothing, it's possible that he's not feeding you and trying to push you in the direction he wants you to go, it could be that because of the fragile state of your relationship you're so focused on what he wants that you're forgetting yourself in this. Only you know whether you feel pushed to believe him or not, you have to be the judge; I just know I'd feel negligent if I didn't at least point out the possible problems in what you're saying. I'd hate to join in with him on telling you you're wrong if your feelings are based on what he wants you to feel rather than how your gut feels. What Kylee thinks and what Kylee feels is the most important thing here, even if you can't put your finger on why you feel that way, even if you don't have any evidence to back up your feelings, your feelings matter and should be listened to. Please let us know if you feel at all pressured or pushed by him, okay?


If you truly don't believe you have reason for concern, then you need to know that your statement, "I'm allowed to have male friends and he wants to be "allowed" to have female friends..." isn't healthy. Each of you should be choosing your friends and their sexes, there is no "allowed". In that same vein, "Of course, if I don't feel comfortable with that, then he'll just continue to write girls off." isn't okay either. Neither should be giving up friends because the other has a problem with it, unless, again, there's reason for concern.


It sounds like you recognize that you have issues in this area that precede your boyfriend. Whether you think you have reason for concern with your boyfriend or not, getting some help to unload the baggage you're carrying with you only makes sense. Why keep dragging issues along with you when they make your life more difficult and affect your relationships in a negative way? Seeing a therapist to deal with it and leave it behind once and for all is a step that's past due. The longer the issue stays with you the deeper and more embedded it is (harder to get rid of). I do think since you've identified issues it's absolutely important to deal with them with a professional; my only concern would be if you're trying too hard to deny problems and concerns you have that may exist in your relationship with your boyfriend. It's important to be honest with yourself and be honest with your feelings. Trying to make yourself believe it's okay when that's not really how you feel won't make the real situation any different than it actually is. You have to be your own advocate, I just want to make sure you are.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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