the green-eyed monster
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| Fri, 03-10-2006 - 6:48pm |
Been struggling with jealousy the entire time I've been with my boyfriend of 2+ years and it is finally getting out of control. He is giving me one more chance to try and tame the green-eyed beast because he can't take my childish behaviors anymore. Here's the story:
My boyfriend used to be in a successful rock band and is used to girls being around him, making passes, and just flirting in general. He's been out of the band for awhile even before we got together but girls will still call or email every now and then. He's never given me a reason to be suspicious or not to trust him, but I do have low self esteem and I find myself feeling threatened/jealous just by the thought of girls calling and trying to re-connect with him. I feel like I do trust him but it is the girls making passes that I am most angered about. He used to tell me when girls would call and what their deal was but he noticed a pattern in my reactions. I'd either blatantly tell him I was mad or would give him the silent treatment. He learned quickly that maybe it wasn't best to tell me if a girl is flirtatious or gives him a call so he stopped. Of course this then became a problem because I knew he was withholding information from me, even though he was just witholding it to avoid conflict, not because he actually felt like he had a secret. This went on for awhile and my BF would just stop answering calls altogether and only call his male friends back. He thought if he could just avoid upsetting me, we'd both be happier in our relationship. I do realize that having him do that is probably unhealthy and he'll only harbor resentments towards me because of it, but our relationship was perfect other than this problem.
Now that we're down to the last straw, I feel that it is very important that I do whatever I can to help myself. I know that jealousy stems from another problem and I believe my problem is my low self esteem. I've told my BF that I want him to be completely honest and tell me everything (when a girl calls, who she is, etc) and he has agreed to but he needs me to not start a fight every time he shares this information with me. He needs me to trust that what he tells me is the whole truth and not even suspect that there might be something else going on. I don't think his requests are too outlandish and I feel that if I can reach a point where I'll just completely trust him, things can be repaired and he won't have to block calls from all people from the opposite sex. The only problem is I do not know how to control my jealousy. I am looking for any advice and anyone that might have a similar problem and would like to encourage each other.
I thank you for reading.
Kylee

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Hi Kylee. I was just reading your post and omg!! I think I could've written that myself. I have issues myself with jealousy I am trying to work on. My boyfriend
has a similar past to yours (almost to the t) and I am trying not to allow his past be my demons, but it's hard and everyday I feel like I am in therapy. I spend a lot of time at the book store
attempting some inner self-healing. If you'd like to chat and help each other, please don't hesitate to send me an email on this site. Thanks for posting, it's comforting to know I am not the only
one with these intense\crazy feelings (which is what the green-eyed monster can make you feel like). Have a great day!
I tried to email this to you but it got returned to me so I cut and paste it from the email. Hope your still around!!
I look forward to speaking with you.
I appreciate your honsety.
I can't say that I do feel pressured or pushed by him in any way. The things I said he wants are things that I want too. I don't want to be bothered by things I'm bothered by because I truly feel that I have no reason to be. He is very patient and of course I'm allowed to feel however I feel, but I personally would like to change it. He didn't suggest that I reach out for help and he doesn't suggest that there is anything wrong with me, but I'm the one who'd like to see myself change.
I went to my first therapy appointment last night and I must say I felt rather uncomfortable. Maybe I just didn't know what to expect. I thought I was seeing a regular therapist/counselor but this was a psychotherapist. What exactly is psychotherapy?
A licensed psychotherapist obtains a master's degree or doctorate in a chosen mental health field, undergoes a supervised clinical residency, and is licensed, certified, or registered. Licensed professionals who practice psychotherapy can be Psychiatrists, Registered psychiatric nurses, Clinical social workers, Marriage therapists, Family therapists, Clinical psychologists. Since drug and alcohol counselors, ordained priests, ministers, and rabbis may practice psychotherapy without a license, and, in some states, a person with a master's degree in education or psychology can practice psychotherapy without a license, it's important to be sure your therapist is licensed, certified or registered. If you're not sure, you should find out. Check the license on the wall and don't be afraid to ask your therapist. I would also urge you to ask him/her what psychotherapy is and how it differs from "regular" therapy. To my mind, it is regular therapy, but I could be wrong. Here's a website that you might be of interest to you:
About Psychotherapy
But I still really urge you to talk to your therapist to learn what s/he has to say about psychotherapy from their point of view.
Have you been to therapy before? The first session is pretty much history/information gathering and the first several are more about getting to know you than really getting into much of anything. It's an important part of the process. It's not unusual to feel uncomfortable, I don't think. I've seen two therapists and both times I was quite uncomfortable in the beginning. It's hard (for me at least) to disclose all my history to a total stranger. And, it takes a while to build a relationship, trust, confidence and like for your therapist. The relationship you have with your therapist is vitally important to your success in therapy, so if you just don't click with your therapist it's right to see another therapist. Rule of thumb is to give them six months before moving on to someone else, it takes a while to cultivate a relationship, you have to give it time. I hope that helps.
Kylee, therapy isn't always easy (and probably isn't doing any good if you don't have to struggle through some issues in therapy), but I think you're going to find that not only does it benefit you tremendously in your area of trust, but it will benefit every aspect of your life. I think you'll be amazed at what this will do for you.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Just wanted to let you know I kind of understand where you're coming from. My situation isn't exactly the same, but its similar. My boyfriend used to be quite the ladies man from what i can tell. On his myspace page, there are always girls posting comments and stuff (it has gotten a little better recently...i think they realized he has a girlfriend). And, all of his closest friends except 1 are girls. The thing that helped me there was meeting all of them. Most of them go to school in different cities, so they're not always here. But when they are here, i can't help feeling jealous whenever he goes out alone with them. Since I've met them, I'm confident that nothing is going on, but I still get uncomfortable with him going out alone with girls. Its a tough feeling to get rid of, and I don't really think the feeling can be gotten rid of so much as what you do about it. I usually ask if I can come along, or I find other friends to hang out with while he's out so I'm not sitting at home like, "hmm, i wonder what they're doing..." I don't think jealousy is completely avoidable, I just think it can be contained.
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