Guilt over lying

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Guilt over lying
13
Wed, 08-31-2011 - 3:58pm

This is a continuation to a problem I posted in June. My BF of 13 years had gone on vacation. While he was gone I went out to a bar with my daughter. I danced with an older man who I was not attracted to but I guess I thought it would be fun to dance. I knew my BF would not be happy if he knew. I told him I didn't go to the bar that night but my guilt made me tell him the truth the next day. He did ask if I danced with anyone and I said no, fearing he would be too mad.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 08-31-2011 - 4:24pm

People lie for two reasons:

1) Because they realize what they did was wrong

2) Because they are afraid of getting a bad reaction

Do you think that, regardless of whether or not he's been drinking, dancing with another man is something he is unreasonable to be angry over? Would YOU be angry if the tables were turned? It's hard to tell if you're lying because you are ashamed of what you did, or because you're afraid of how he will react. Sometimes, when you've been in a relationship for this long, that distinction is no longer possible to make, and the only way you can figure it out is to resolve to be 100% honest even if you're afraid of being broken up with. He has the right to be with an honest partner, and you have the right to be with someone who doesn't make you afraid to be honest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 08-31-2011 - 4:33pm
If he drinks and is going to get out of line angry with you then why tell him anything, especially if all you did was dance with the guy. I mean really it's not as if you slept with the guy or anything. That would be a different story. Another thing is he seems almost obsessed about asking you this repeatedly. If it were my BF I'd wonder why he continues to ask after you already answered him. Could it be he himself hasn't been so innocent when he was on vacation and is projecting some of his own guilt on you?
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 08-31-2011 - 4:33pm
WTH?! Does he own you? You cannot go out and have fun and dance? What sort of relationship is it if you feel you have to walk on egg shells with him?

When I raised my kids, I asked for the truth and do not go ballistic if they do tell me the truth and do not punish them for it else I just encourage lying.

Good that you are seeing a counselor for it sounds like you do not have the self esteem to stand up for yourself, that you are feeling isolated, and do not think well of yourself and your great qualities.

You have not described any behavior that is uncaring and for me, I would not tell anyone the truth if I fear them and their anger.

It sounds like you need to get straight in your head on what sort of relationship you want and that is healthy for you. This does not mean you judge yourself on how bad you are and what baggage you have. It means looking at having a partner you can comfortably share you life with, that you are not fearful of, and that you can communicate honestly with.

Mark
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 08-31-2011 - 4:37pm

I have another option--why don't you break up w/ him because you deserve better than to be w/ a guy who is unreasonable? First of all, why is he questioning you about a guy you knew 12 yrs ago?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 08-31-2011 - 4:52pm
Have to agree with your statement that " I would probably not tell anyone the truth if I feared their anger." I don't see the good in riling her BF up (especially since he seems to only ask when he's drinking) over something like a dance that really meant nothing to her and sounds like will really anger him. Not worth the trouble it will cause in the relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 08-31-2011 - 4:59pm
I agree 100% with your post. He sounds overly possessive and jealous to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Wed, 08-31-2011 - 9:54pm

Thanks for all your responses. It helps me feel not so desparate.

Could it be he himself hasn't been so innocent when he was on vacation and is projecting some of his own guilt on you?

Actually, he started the whole discussion because I had asked him if he had a girlfriend out of town because he goes away once a month. He was mad because I had the nerve to accuse him and not trust him. Of course, he would never do such a thing. I don't think that I was real accusing or mean when I asked. I just thought i would check because my ex-husband had cheated on me when he left. Anyway, he had read an article that said if you accuse someone else, you are guilty of the crime and he thought that I must be cheating if I asked. I sure didn't get mean though! So... its not ok for me to bring things like that up but ok for him. I have learned that the things he has been mad at me about in the past are things that he too, eventually does, even if it takes a while to happen. This is frustrating to me. He has complained that my life is always changing schedules. Eventually he has schedule changes that affect me too but i don't have a fit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Wed, 08-31-2011 - 10:02pm

Yes, he has always been overly possessive. He also got mad during this episode because I had plans to go for a drink with a girlfriend after a school meeting. The girlfriend cancelled and I went to see him. He was mad anyway and said that I put everyone else before him. I do put 4 kids and my brother before him but they are my responsibiity. I never go out with a friend on a Fr or Sat because I am with him. Actually, I rarely go out with friends because I don't have any real close ones.

As far as breaking up, when I tried that 5 years ago, he broke a window in my house. He has never been physically violent to me though. Why do I stay with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 09-01-2011 - 1:58am

Strong2006's previous post can be found here:

Should I tell the truth?

Strong2006,


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Thu, 09-01-2011 - 2:33am
peaceyma wrote:
He sounds overly possessive and jealous to me.

Strong2008-

IMO, honesty is the best policy. However, you don't have to share all the details. For instance, I would have told your boyfriend about going out for a drink with your daughter. If a fact like that would upset him, he is clearly overpossesive. How could he reasonably object to mother-daughter bonding. As to dancing with a strange man

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