HaHa, joke's on me..... (really long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
HaHa, joke's on me..... (really long)
12
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 12:25pm

I'm sure you all saw this one coming. I sure didn't. Stupid me thought that since the conversation was had so many times, and since beliefs were professed to be the same that it would never happen to me.

But let me backtrack a smidge.

This past week DH got in a MAJOR funk. He just didn't care. About anything. At all. He could function on some level, but really the most basic. He could get up and go to work, but wasn't doing anything once he was there. He would come home and be a little better but was pretty much a blackhole of happy feelings. He claimed he wasn't be mean or happy, so he was a neutral. Cept when it isn't like he normally is.... it doesn't make him a neutral. The stress of everything got to him and he finally snapped. I told him on Thursday that if he was going to do nothing to make this mood better, if he wasn't actively going to TRY to get out of it (whether it be willpower or a doctor and counselor) then I didn't want to be around it. And that's when he disappeared. I got a weird email (that turns out to not have been related to this all) and when I called to clarify it, I found out he had left work for the day. So I figured he had made an appt. It took me several hours more to figure out that nope, he'd taken so money out of the bank and wasn't coming home that night. I did okay, I spose. If you count an almost total inability to sleep (2.5 hours from 3:30-6am), so much stress that my stomach churned all night. The kids were great and I think I kept it fairly calm for them. We functioned normally. Things didn't get really bad for me until after 11pm. And then I thought I'd check the computer....

See, I had found 2 small things on the computer in September. Just two and their timestamps were older (as much as I could tell) and from a time we had been having problems with browser hijackers. (Gee, now I know why.) I asked and he gave me his line. And yes, my gut told me it wasn't the truth (though I did have someone independently verify that it COULD have happened the way he said.) So I chose to believe it for the time being and kept a very close eye out on his computer usage. Haven't seen anything and I figured it was a fluke. But with the stress of this week and his disappearing, I figured I should dig again. And that's when I found a list of websites stored on the computer that he had memberships too. And an automatic renewal charge on the CC through a 3rd party internet billing company. (It had just hit and WAS a automatic renewal, I checked.) So, I spent time checking out these sites he had joined-- well, just the opening pages. DIdn't want to accuse if there was a chance they weren't what I knew they were. And now I need to wash my brain out with bleach and a scrub brush. Had a computer guy I know help me check the computer out thoroughly and we found absolutely no evidence of him having been on any of these sites (or any like it) since October-ish.

So, next day to flush him out I went and emptied the bank accounts. (He can't get more money, he can't hide.) And I waited and waited for him to call or come home. He finally called and asked to come over (he didn't discover the $$ thing, i told him about that later.) He came home with a script and names for counselors. So, at least I know he plans on working on that. And yes, he's actually taken his meds. I gave him the list of the sites and said, there, now you can stop lying to me and we can both be adults and admit you have a porn problem. (For those of you who don't know, ANY porn usage is a problem in my book.) And we've spent the last 3 days talking through a lot of it. I'm one of those who has to know a lot of info because what I imagine is always worse than what is. Being on here enough, I know this has nothing to do with me or whether or not I'm skinny enough or pretty enough. I get that, at least intellectually. Though knowing he'd hunt out "young and fresh" has really hit me hard. I've had 4 of his children, of COURSE I don't look young and fresh. But I also know that he LIKES how I look. It's not a matter of him not liking me, it's all about him and how he felt about himself. (My new mantra.)

So, he started looking at porn last year when he got fired from him job in Feb. (The same day or next actually, if I read the timestamps right.) And I found out the day after he got fired that I was pg with our youngest. And I know I had major hard times with being pg. Coincidentally, it's the same time I joined the board because things were so bad and awful and I couldn't figure out WHAT was up. Now I know. He slowed usage but continued even when I was on bedrest and the birth of our youngest. Since then there hasn't been any activity (I had that verified before he gave me a timeline actually.) But he managed to lie so effectively... I can understand WHY he did but it still hurts.

The kicker? I'm not angry. I'm hurt, incredibly hurt. I told him I deserved someone to be as faithful as I've been. And since he gave it up, on his own and NOT because I mandated it, it's helped. It helped preserve some trust. I just don't know if I'm still in shock, if I ever was, will I hit an incredibly angry phase? And everything I'm feeling... is it REALLY what I'm feeling or am I disconnected? Things I had thought about doing before now and now have decided I can do (just little changes I've thought about making), do I really want to do them because it's what I want or is a part of it me trying to keep him and thinking he wants it? (It's hard to psychoanalyze yourself.)

So, here I am. The joke is on me, isn't it? You know my thoughts and feelings on porn use. I think it's the most vile thing. But I know he isn't a bad person. Stupid, yes. Making stupid choices? Yep.

*Sigh*

Jen

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 11:27am

OKay, talked with H again and he says that he really sees where it's a problem and he's definitely got issues with it. He says that every time he would slip he would justify it with "I'm really going to stop, after this time." and he said that that just SMACKS of addictive behaviour/thinking. And that he wants to change that and get it taken care of.

So, he sees the problem at least. And he wants to fix it. And while he has said he doesn't like to think of himself as being an addict of anything, the evidence certainly points to it.

Jen

P.S. I asked him to explain his thought process of deciding to quit and what he'd tell himself when he relapsed. Which is where this came from.

Now to go do other things today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 10:34pm

The thing with the triggers is that it isn't that he makes a necessarily conscious decision to go to porn when the right triggers push him there, but he'll have to be alert to recognizing what his triggers are and make a conscious decision to stay away when his urge will be to use it. For instance, an overeater might eat candy bars every time they have a big fight with their spouse. Just like junk food is the comfort food for food addicts, porn is the comfort food for sex addicts (at least for those for whom porn is their drug of choice. Does that make sense? If you think about it, it's changing a behavior, and it's not easy. If your husband's an addict, I honestly believe it's critical that he work with someone who specializes in sex addictions, that's where he'll earn about his triggers, and it's where he'll start the work of identifying them and working to change himself. He'll learn a lot more too. He should be reaching out to a SA group too. Being in a group setting with others who have the same problem is vital to recovery. These people will recognize excuses and keep it straight and honest in a way you can't. It'll also be a place that he can talk freely about his problems, urges and more. He needs to be able to share and dialog with others.


Having drawn your line and being clear on where your boundaries are should help you feel a little better about this, yes? Obviously, if you had your way, you'd just say "stop it" and it would be so. Sister, I hear you. It's hard to stand back and watch the people we care about make their own decisions. We're unable to have a hand in what they do and yet their choices affects us very much.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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