Handling someone with the communication skills of a 6-year old

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Handling someone with the communication skills of a 6-year old
29
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 4:14pm

I need to find a new way to deal with my boyfriend when he is mad because no matter what I do it never works. Whenever my boyfriend gets mad at me he becomes someone I don't know. He gives me the silent treatment, acts like I don't exist,  and treats me meanly and coldly. And the most annoying thing he does is to NOT tell me why he is mad at me. When I ask he either gives me a look like "You should know" or gives a sarcastic laugh and says "Nothing, I'm fine".  it drives me crazy! Yes sometimes I can tell what made him mad, but a lot of the times I won't even know what I did wrong to upset him! It's the most frustrating thing. And he stays mad for HOURS. We don't fight much but when he does get mad at me it drags out for days because of how he acts. I beg him to tell me what wrong and it usually ends with him yelling at me to leave him alone or ignoring everything I say to the point that I'm crying. Then after a couple of days of him ignoring me, it being awkward he finally starts showing emotion again and we don't discuss the original reason for his anger. Clearly the asking/begging technique isn't working. Sometimes I try to act like nothing is wrong and then he acts really mean. Like I'll try and cuddle like "It's fine" (like he claims he is) and he will say "Get off me" or push me away. I try to talk to him and he barely acknowledges me. That technique doesn't do anything but upset me more because he is being mean. I think he has communication issues (due to how his mom treated him as a child) but I need help with dealing with this! How should I handle him when he is mad? It's like when he is angry he just wants us to both be miserable for as long as possible. I ask him whats wrong and he yells at me or ignores or acts like I should know. I'm no mind reader. I just really need suggestions on how to handle him.

Currently we are fighting and I don't know if I should text him first after the harsh way he is treating me. We share a car so I am going to have to talk to him today to negotiate the car but I just am sick of when we fight it going this way and I need to change it. HELP! 

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Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002

Why not tell it to him straight, "If you can't or won't talk to me regarding what is bothering you, then I can't continue in this relationship.", that's the simple truth.  Without communication, especially when there is a problem, then how will the relationship evolve?  The excuse for his behaviour is just that, an excuse, YOU are not his mother, he needs to be able to communicate with you, his GF.  This is a controlling behaviour, he's controlling you by giving you the silent treatement and treating you poorly, yet not giving you an opportunity to discuss the issue like rational adults. 

 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think the best way to deal with someone like this is to break up with him--why should you have to put up with this?  If you don't want to do that, then I'd paraphrase something my exH said to me "If I ask you what's wrong and you say nothing, I'm not going to keep asking.  Either you tell me what's wrong or I'll believe you when you said nothing."  It shouldn't be up to you to beg.  I'd tell him right out that what he is doing is immature and obviously not working and not a way to solve any problem.  A mature adult tells the other person what is wrong if they have done something--so they can get a resolution to the problem.  By not telling you, if you are actually doing something that bothers him, he will just make sure that you keep doing the same thing because you won't know it's a problem.  I know this kind of behavior would just tire me out--it's a very controlling, passive/agressive way to behave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

Lovelylady, you seem to be under the impression that you can do things or act in a way to alter his behaviour.     Please stop this way of thinking now!    Like it or not, this is who he is and changing your approach won't change him.

Personally, I would have dumped his sorry self the first time he acted this way towards me - but clearly you're far more tolerant than me.     All I can advise is to start accepting that he won't change and figure out if you can live with it for the rest of your life.   Are you prepared to have children with a man who will behave like this?   What if he ignores them when he's mad at them too?  

It's time to move on and find someone who doesn't act like a toddler.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

yep, my sister's ex did exactly the same behaviour to her and then he started ignoring the kids too.    That was when she left him.  Shame she didn't do it years earlier, but there you go....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006

He sounds like he's bi-polar to me...my ex use to do almost the same thing! He would be mad at me BUT treat everyone else around him so nice and treat me like dirt.Of course he would eventually get over it but it was so horrible.it sounds like a mental thing.How old is your bf?That doesn't sound like adult behavior.Yeah...people get mad BUT adults solve their problems by communicating to each other and not by acting childish...he sounds like he's very childish .You need to leave him because his behavior will NOT change.You will suffer more and more and it will drive you insane if you don't get out of this while you still have your sanity intact.It's very cruel and unusual punishment he's giving you.Please don't take anymore of this!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
He is controlling you.

You need to state clearly "since you are angry with me and not willing to find a resolution. I am going to leave you alone. You can contact me when you are willing to speak to me like an adult."

and then you do exactly as you say.

Either he will recognize he needs to get over himself or you will find this relationship is not for you.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I had a bipolar ex too.  He would say what was on his mind--in fact, he did a lot of yelling, but then we would just be distant for a couple of days.  He would never apologize if he did something wrong, but then he would just start acting "normal" again as if we never had the fight and by that time I didn't want to bring the issue up again, because I knew it would cause more fights and it was less stressful just to go back to acting nice toward each other--but that's why problems never got resolved & kept coming up again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

>>He sounds like he's bi-polar to me...my ex use to do almost the same thing! He would be mad at me BUT treat everyone else around him so nice and treat me like dirt.<<

I'm a bit confused about the mental illness suggestion.    If someone had no control over their behaviour - wouldn't they be rude to everyone?

For example, if he's rude to his partner and parents and friends and boss, then it would seem that he has no control.   But if he's nice to everyone but his partner, then it shows can control his behaviour but simply doesn't want to.

My sister's ex would be rude to everyone when he got in a mood.  To me, this is more indicative of a mental illness.  And yes, his Psychologist did agree that he had some type of chemical imbalance.

Not trying to be combatitive - just wanting to learn more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

>>I do always think "If I love him enough he will change"<<

What's the rationale behind you thinking this?

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