Handling someone with the communication skills of a 6-year old

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Handling someone with the communication skills of a 6-year old
29
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 4:14pm

I need to find a new way to deal with my boyfriend when he is mad because no matter what I do it never works. Whenever my boyfriend gets mad at me he becomes someone I don't know. He gives me the silent treatment, acts like I don't exist,  and treats me meanly and coldly. And the most annoying thing he does is to NOT tell me why he is mad at me. When I ask he either gives me a look like "You should know" or gives a sarcastic laugh and says "Nothing, I'm fine".  it drives me crazy! Yes sometimes I can tell what made him mad, but a lot of the times I won't even know what I did wrong to upset him! It's the most frustrating thing. And he stays mad for HOURS. We don't fight much but when he does get mad at me it drags out for days because of how he acts. I beg him to tell me what wrong and it usually ends with him yelling at me to leave him alone or ignoring everything I say to the point that I'm crying. Then after a couple of days of him ignoring me, it being awkward he finally starts showing emotion again and we don't discuss the original reason for his anger. Clearly the asking/begging technique isn't working. Sometimes I try to act like nothing is wrong and then he acts really mean. Like I'll try and cuddle like "It's fine" (like he claims he is) and he will say "Get off me" or push me away. I try to talk to him and he barely acknowledges me. That technique doesn't do anything but upset me more because he is being mean. I think he has communication issues (due to how his mom treated him as a child) but I need help with dealing with this! How should I handle him when he is mad? It's like when he is angry he just wants us to both be miserable for as long as possible. I ask him whats wrong and he yells at me or ignores or acts like I should know. I'm no mind reader. I just really need suggestions on how to handle him.

Currently we are fighting and I don't know if I should text him first after the harsh way he is treating me. We share a car so I am going to have to talk to him today to negotiate the car but I just am sick of when we fight it going this way and I need to change it. HELP! 

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

I have one question for you: Why are you wasting your time on dating a BOY?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
true.blue.strine wrote:

>>He sounds like he's bi-polar to me...my ex use to do almost the same thing! He would be mad at me BUT treat everyone else around him so nice and treat me like dirt.<<

I'm a bit confused about the mental illness suggestion.    If someone had no control over their behaviour - wouldn't they be rude to everyone?

For example, if he's rude to his partner and parents and friends and boss, then it would seem that he has no control.   But if he's nice to everyone but his partner, then it shows can control his behaviour but simply doesn't want to.


This is an interesting point.  When I was in therapy to figure out whether I should leave my ex (who has bipolar) I talked about my ex's rude behavior toward me.  The therapist pointed out that at times my ex could control himself.  He had a job and obviously he didn't start  going off & yelling at customers or his boss because eh would have gotten fired, although I'm sure he was still difficult to work with, so sometimes he could control himself.  I don't know whether that bothered him or was so stressful that he couldn't do it all the time or what.  But he'd go on these rants, like when he was yelling at his DD for something and I would have to step in & tell him that really, saying the same thing over & over for an hour was too much, plus he'd be calling her terrible names,etc.  But once we were talking about this kind of behavior, and he said that when it was going on, one part of him knew he should stop but then somehow he couldn't make himself stop either.  I don't understand what it feels like to have bipolar so I tried to understand it from his POV, but when a person has a MI, you don't always know when they are behaving in a certain way due to their MI, or when they are just being a jerk.  But I could always tell when a manic phase was coming on because he started to get a lot more irritable about stupid things that didn't matter, like someone parked a car in front of our house or something of major importance like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
IMO, it doesn't matter WHY he's an immature, rude, selfish and mean twit. The fact is, he is, and he isn't going to stop. He isn't going to "change". You cannot love someone into being a different person.

If a person has to "change" to be right for you, he's wrong for you.

I'd dump the chump and take public transportation or ask a co-worker to give me rides.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

Thanks for the info Music.    Makes sense - especially how you could tell that a manic phase was coming on.

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001

"It's a tough situation because sometimes when we fight he will tell me exactly what is wrong, I will apologize, and we will move on."

Why do you feel you need to apologize?

 

Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2010

People are who they are and you can't change them.  Why are you allowing him to treat you that way?  You deserve better than this.  I say get rid of him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2011
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2011

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