hanging on

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
hanging on
8
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 1:16pm

My bf is 16 yrs. younger and different culture, but 4 yrs ago none of that seem to matter. I knew because of our age gap we couldn't last forever, but 3 break ups later all of which "were for my best interest" I'm trying to pick up the pieces again. And he to is so depressed and stressed out I worry about his health. He's beyond stressed out with work because he worrries the company may lose their funding and he takes on the burden of taking responsibility of his mother.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Wed, 03-30-2011 - 12:20am

When I mentioned caretaking it wasn't because you'd said "take care of", it was because your behavior is obviously caretaking behavior.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Tue, 03-29-2011 - 12:04pm
Well, when I said "save him" it was in reference to his depression and self destruction. And yes I have always been the one who takes care of people. It's in my nature I guess because I grew up the oldest of 5 and had to help raise them. And for the last 8 years I've had to have my mom live with me so I can take care of her, too. Not to mention, my youngest sister left her baby at my door when he was 2 wks old and I've raised him for the last 11 yrs, plus spent $$$ in custody battles with his biological father. So, that's some of my baggage, but it's also why I "take care/save others'. Now my own baggage, been unemployed for a year, multiple health issues and dealing with my own depression.
So, it has been nice to have someone take care of me for a change and I guess I don't want to lose that feeling.... even though I know it makes me sound weak.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Tue, 03-29-2011 - 12:07am
You said in your first post you have a need to "save him" and I'm wondering, what are you saving him from? Have you been the person who "saves" people in other relationships? Does it help you to save others?

You also say you give other people great advice but not yourself. Have you ever tried pretending your friend was in the same situation and thinking what you would say to your friend? What would you say?
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 03-29-2011 - 12:01am

It's easier for all of us to give others advice.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Mon, 03-28-2011 - 3:29pm
I appreciate your replies and I've always been able to give my friends great advice, but never myself. He did cancel on me Friday night due to work, but came over last night, which you can imagine where that went.... I just don't know, I'm so confused. Last night felt normal where last Sunday seemed tense for both of us. I've read everything imaginable on here trying to get the strength,but I love him and miss him so when we are apart. I never thought I'd be "that girl" as my bff calls me but he does make me happy and I don't have room for a 7 day a week boyfriend, so what we had worked and I was good with it, but if he breaks all contact again I know I don't know how I'll deal, but when I say I can't do this again.. it means try to love again
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 3:49am

Welcome to the board, Sarcasticallysunny ~

Four years ago you knew it wouldn't last but now that it needs to end you're having trouble ending it because you've grown used to the addition in your life and change is hard.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 6:18pm
16 years is a lot and when we met through work, I thought he was older. I had always dated men 10-20 yrs OLDER than me! But all cruddy relationships until him. I fell in real love for the first time at 39 years old. And yes, once I knew his age the his background I doubted it could work, but it did. He grew up in the hood as he calls it and I from old school southern roots, but our baggage and scars connected us no matter how different they appear. Heck, I don't even speak the same language as his family and that was hard for me.. he seemed ok with it. I've seen him change for the good over the years and I know i have too. That was always my 1 condition in a relationship...when 2 people come together they should bring out the good in each other.
i have tons of my own baggage, but I'm able to put it away when we are together.. he can't do that when he's overwhelmed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 2:59pm

You can't fix him, only HE can do that.

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