Hard time lettin him go out w/the guys
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Hard time lettin him go out w/the guys
| Fri, 06-30-2006 - 10:26pm |
I have been married for almost 4 years. Shortly after our first year anniversary my husband cheating on me. We split up and I filed for divorce. We were apart for about 3 months. We decided to work things out through counciling. Our relationship is better than it was then. I have and always have had a hard time with him having "guys night". It rarely happens but when he decides he is going to happy hour after work with the guys I get bothered. I don't have many female friends. I rather spend my extra time with him. I know I need to let go but it is very difficult. Help. We have come along way. We are plannning on having kids and I do not want to pass this on to my children.

It is definitely a hard one.
Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit
Welcome to the board Nov1976 ~
I agree that it certainly sounds like you're not as fully through your trust and betrayal issues as you'd thought you were. Maybe your feelings have never been "tested" this way before? Is going out with the boys to happy hour new? I'm also wondering what his reaction to your concern is, what assurances and checks he gives you to allow you to feel comfortable with him going out, and I'm also wondering if there's anything at all going on that gives you reason for concern. Did he give you the excuse of "going out with the boys" when he was cheating? I'm thinking perhaps some aspects of his going out feels familiar and triggers those old concerns. What do you think?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
If he has continued to demonstrate that he's trustworthy, and despite that you continue to feel concern, it may be that your feelings are more tied to the deeper issue of your father's infidelity. Either way, you've recognized that some of your issue is based there and if you're having problems due to your upbringing, that's something that absolutely needs to be addressed in therapy.
You said the two of you went through therapy after his infidelity, I'm wondering if the counseling ended when the therapist agreed that you had worked through the issue and no longer needed counseling or if one of you "decided" you were "all better" and didn't need it anymore? At the time your counseling ended, did you feel the issue had been completely resolved for you? If issues with your husband haven't been completely put to rest in your mind, then heading back to counseling as a couple is the thing to do; you need to completely work through these, and he needs to be a willing participant in them. Was he willing and eager to work through the problems last time? Will he want to be actively involved again? You'll also need to do some individual therapy to deal with your father's infidelity so it doesn't continue to be a part of your life. Make sense?
How does your husband respond to your concerns and bad feelings about him going out now? Is he understanding and helpful? Is he frustrated and "tired of dealing with it"? I know he answers your calls, but how does he respond emotionally to the issue?
Here are some articles on infidelity from our Information and Resource page. Some of the information will be things you already know, but sometimes a reminder can be a good thing:
Getting Over an Affair
Healing From Infidelity
Recurring Memories of Spouses Affair
Is it just friends or infidelity?
Is It Cheating?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"