Hard time lettin him go out w/the guys

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
Hard time lettin him go out w/the guys
4
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 10:26pm
I have been married for almost 4 years. Shortly after our first year anniversary my husband cheating on me. We split up and I filed for divorce. We were apart for about 3 months. We decided to work things out through counciling. Our relationship is better than it was then. I have and always have had a hard time with him having "guys night". It rarely happens but when he decides he is going to happy hour after work with the guys I get bothered. I don't have many female friends. I rather spend my extra time with him. I know I need to let go but it is very difficult. Help. We have come along way. We are plannning on having kids and I do not want to pass this on to my children.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 10:51pm

It is definitely a hard one.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 12:57am

Welcome to the board Nov1976 ~


I agree that it certainly sounds like you're not as fully through your trust and betrayal issues as you'd thought you were. Maybe your feelings have never been "tested" this way before? Is going out with the boys to happy hour new? I'm also wondering what his reaction to your concern is, what assurances and checks he gives you to allow you to feel comfortable with him going out, and I'm also wondering if there's anything at all going on that gives you reason for concern. Did he give you the excuse of "going out with the boys" when he was cheating? I'm thinking perhaps some aspects of his going out feels familiar and triggers those old concerns. What do you think?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 2:45pm
Thank you for your response. He hardly goes out with the guys for drinks. In the past 3 years he has gone 3 times. Twice this month. He is a huge soccer fan and both times his team won they guys (his brother and a close friend who all work for the same company) decided to go out for drinks. He knows I have a difficult time with him going out with the guys. He tells me he would never do anything to damage our marriage. It is me that starts to "think" about the possiblities of him cheating. Part of me says he would never do it again but the other part feels anything is possible. If I call him when he is out he might not answer when I call (loudness of bars) but he will call me right back. I do not want to feel this way. I wish I could trust him. I feel a lot of my mistrust issues come from my childhood. My father cheated on my mother and I do not want my life to be like hers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 5:32pm

It doesn't matter how infrequently he goes out, what does matter is how he continues to demonstrate his trustworthiness to you. If his actions or behavior leave you with the least bit of mistrust and/or doubt of his believability then any time he goes out you're going to feel your doubts and concerns rise back up to the surface. This isn't a matter of you being able to convince yourself that he'd never do it again, trust doesn't work that way. He destroyed and betrayed your trust and he'll have to earn it back by continuing examples of reasons to trust. And if he (or you) think him staying home "all the time" should prove he's trustworthy, you're wrong, it isn't going to tell you that you can trust him when he's out. I doubt you ever had a problem with him cheating when he was home, right? (sarcasm there) But then, if you've been in counseling to deal with the infidelity, you already know all that, right?


If he has continued to demonstrate that he's trustworthy, and despite that you continue to feel concern, it may be that your feelings are more tied to the deeper issue of your father's infidelity. Either way, you've recognized that some of your issue is based there and if you're having problems due to your upbringing, that's something that absolutely needs to be addressed in therapy.


You said the two of you went through therapy after his infidelity, I'm wondering if the counseling ended when the therapist agreed that you had worked through the issue and no longer needed counseling or if one of you "decided" you were "all better" and didn't need it anymore? At the time your counseling ended, did you feel the issue had been completely resolved for you? If issues with your husband haven't been completely put to rest in your mind, then heading back to counseling as a couple is the thing to do; you need to completely work through these, and he needs to be a willing participant in them. Was he willing and eager to work through the problems last time? Will he want to be actively involved again? You'll also need to do some individual therapy to deal with your father's infidelity so it doesn't continue to be a part of your life. Make sense?


How does your husband respond to your concerns and bad feelings about him going out now? Is he understanding and helpful? Is he frustrated and "tired of dealing with it"? I know he answers your calls, but how does he respond emotionally to the issue?


Here are some articles on infidelity from our Information and Resource page. Some of the information will be things you already know, but sometimes a reminder can be a good thing:


Getting Over an Affair
Healing From Infidelity
Recurring Memories of Spouses Affair

Is it just friends or infidelity?
Is It Cheating?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"