Has anyone used SPY SOFTWARE?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Has anyone used SPY SOFTWARE?
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 4:40pm
My BF spends an awful lot of time on the internet - particularly when I'm not home. He claims he never does anything 'inappropriate' such as chatting on line or having cyber-sex. I have a feeling he's not being 100% honest but I want to trust him. I've heard others mention this "spy software". Has anyone used it? Does it work well? Did you discover anything you didn't know? I'd be very interested in any feedback. Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 4:13pm
Why do you feel the need for spyware? He is after all, entitled to his own life and can do what he chooses. IF he's looking at sites you don't like, then give the guy a pat on the back for being considerate enough to do it when you're not around to be bothered by it. If you're relationship's good and you have no reason to believe he's fooling around (cybersex) then leave him alone and be glad he wants to be with YOU while you're around and rather than spending time that could be with you with his nose stuck to the computer.

Do you go through his things? His wallet, his drawers, his personal belongings? If so you've got some problems to address of your own, if not, why do you think snooping into what he views on the internet is ok? How would you feel if your boyfriend was secretly snooping into your personal things? Offended, violated and outraged would be appropriate feelings to have.


"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 10:20am
Yes...to be honest, I am guilty of those other things you listed (snooping through wallet, drawers, etc). I guess my mindset is I'd rather know "the truth" than be ignorantly blissful. In the past, I've been lied to many a time, and the worst part about it was thinking back at how I thought everthing was fine. The betrayals came as a real shocker to me. I think as a defense mechanism I want to find out all the bad stuff for myself so I won't ever be put in that position again. My current BF spends a lot of time on the internet and I just find it hard to believe that a guy can spend that much time on line without doing something questionable!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 1:51pm
Let me first say that I do NOT recommend using the spyware. IMHO, it is very, very dishonest and could be extremely damaging to a relationship. BUT, I do know something about it.

My mother-in-law is using it right now, to spy on my sister-in-law. There are several different kinds of spyware. The one my MIL is using will do screen captures, log all Internet activity, log every single keystroke made, etc. It is completely undetectable on the computer. However, while it does log all Internet activity, the particular one she bought doesn't allow you to see exactly what was said. For example, you can view that a person received an instant message, but you're unable to view the text of it. She e-mailed the company and they claimed it was illegal to record the keystrokes of other users, so that's why you can't see it. So IF you do it (again, NOT recommending it), be sure it has the ability to do what you want it to do. Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 2:42pm
I have used spy software before and I deeply regret it. If you don't trust your man, then you don't, so why be with him. I knew what was going on with my boyfriend, but I just didn't want to believe it, so I used the software and found out what I already knew and it made things worse. It was worse, because then I saw everything he did, and it made me sick, paranoid, and then I got to snooping on him all the time and it caused depression and anxiety, and obsessive behavior.

If you are thinking of doing it, you already don't trust him and you know what is going on anyways. If you do it and find something bad, which you probably will, you will make excuses for it, and continually check up on him. This is a bad habit and will ruin the relationship.

I understand how you feel vunerable being lied to before, but sneaking up on someone won't make them not lie to you or not. If they are the type of person to lie, then they are going to do it anyways.

You cannot go sneaking around anymore. Do you trust this guy or not? if no, get rid of him, work on your self esteem. Snooping will only eat you up inside and make everything seem suspicious. Go to counseling, it really helped me with trust issues and self-esteem.

And what if the guy catches you, which he is bound to sooner or later, then the relationship will be scarred from your deception as well.

There are people who don't lie and aren't deceptive. You have to go in trusting, and then when you have reason to believe otherwise, get rid of them. But don't go snooping to find it. I think us women have gut feelings anyways, and snooping only makes our predicitions true.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 11:04am
You can try "Software for Parents" they can download for you via the internet, cost is around $50.00, it records keystrokes, passwords, etc. I caution you to use this tool with this in mind. If you catch your SO cheating then you need to be willing to either leave or confront him and go into counseling. I feel (as do many therapists) that couples who are not cheating have no reason not to have their lives be an open book.

If you're not willing to do these things then leave it be, you'll only drive yourself crazy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 8:58am
I have to admit I used the spy software. You can download it for free off of the internet. It only records the keystrokes that you push on your computer and you cannot see what the other person is typing. I will have you know that I used it for ONE day and caught my husband of almost ten years, having cybersex with a girl while playing pool. And I know this wasn't the first time. I should of known because all the signs were there. He was on the computer ALOT!!!!!! He started being a bit more meaner to me always on the go. I know my husband and I should of known that he was doing it, because he acted funny. Kind of like he had something hidden, which he did a secret. After I found out I confronted him and he was so relieved (doesn't this sound weird) because he felt like he had a problem. He said it was addicting to him to be on there and when the girls asked to "fool around" he thought it was fun and do it. So now he was like I don't have a secret anymore and we can work it out. I will say that it has been 2 1/2 weeks since i found out and he is definetly sticking to ONLY playing games. I will say that I have kept the software on there though. Some call it not trusting him, but I call it making sure I don't get duped again. I don't care what others think, because as far as I am concerned this is my marriage and my relationship that I have to make sure it is rolling on the right track. If you just turn your back to it, does it make it fair or right? As far as I am concerned I don't want to look stupid as "Ha Ha She was so dumb she didn't even know". So if you just want to ease your mind I would try putting it on. But just be prepared for what you might find out. I told one of my girlfriends that I knew I wouldn't find nothing, but the computer had become an addiction. And low and behold it hit me right in the face. Also, take into account this is over the internet. Some of the things you find that he said to her may be totally out of whack, but they figure that they are unseen to the other user so they act totally out of character. I hope this helps.