Is he being honest? Am I being unfair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2008
Is he being honest? Am I being unfair?
28
Tue, 06-28-2011 - 2:13pm

Pages

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-28-2011 - 4:19pm
Drop him. He's attached to her no matter what he says. His actions speak louder than words. Move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2011
Tue, 06-28-2011 - 5:01pm
Get rid of him. I've been in this situation many times before. He's dragging you along on a string while he does whatever he wants and expects you to be a fall back.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 06-29-2011 - 11:26am

Sure its ok for guys and girls to be friends, even when one or both is in a relationship. However the flirty nature of their communications is inappropriate seeing as he is your BF. To me it speaks to more than just friends. Not that there is necessarily anything going on physically between them, but it looks like emotional attachment for sure and he is definitely attracted to her.

So I dont think he is being honest about his feelings/attractions for her and no you are not being unfair.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 06-30-2011 - 2:26am

Welcome to the board, Ssss03 ~

I know you don't want to hear it, but the others are right.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 06-30-2011 - 2:40pm

These are the exact kind of flirtatious messages that lead to affairs with other women. Do not accept this behavior. Your BF is one of these men that needs a constant ego boost from women and so he does this. He will never be happy with getting attention from just one woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sun, 07-03-2011 - 9:54pm

You absolutely have good reason to feel the way you do.

"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2008
Mon, 07-04-2011 - 1:14pm

Than you so much for your response harmony08.

In response to your questions, I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and this is by far the best relationship I've had. I've been in 2 other relationships previously. One very serious and one semi-serious. However, non of those two relationships even compare with what I have with my current boyfriend.

My boyfriend has been in one previous serious relationship lasting 5 years. He broke up with her. He says that what he has with me has been the most meaningful relationship to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2008
Mon, 07-04-2011 - 1:42pm

Thank you everyone for all of your suport. All of your adivce means so much to me. It's always helpful to have someone look at the situation from outside.

I have had a longg discussion with my boyfriend on this and I wanted to provide an update to you and possibly get more feedback.

He agreed that his behavior towards me regarding the girl I've mentioned below was inappropriate. He apologized and said that if I didn't want him talking to her, he wouldn't.

I did mention to him that I felt like he liked her a little more than a guy whoes in a relationship should like another woman. He asked me "do you think I would ever go for her". And I said "no, I think you respect me and I trust that you are a man enough of a guy to break up with me before you were ever to GO for her, but I still think you liked her (emotionally)". He said shes the kind of girl that would use a guy, for trips, for material things, etc. He said how could I LIKE someone like that. He said she was just a friend, fun to party with and chat with and thats the extent of it.

I mentioned to him how uncomfortable I feel with BBM and how he never shares who his friends are on there. He said that he will try to make an effort to keep me in the loop. On that day, he sat down with me and went through all of his BBM friends with me and told me who each friend was and how he knows them.

Lastly on the issue around telling me which of his girl friends he is hanging out with, he's still not really willing to budge much on this. He continued to say that he feels like he's reporting to me. He said he wants to be in a relationship where his girlfriend trusts him enough to not have to know where he is 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. He said I pretty much always know where he is anyway, and this is true. He doesnt' hang out with his girl friends much. I think while we've been dating he's hung out with a girl friend once before, and he told me about it. This was the second time he was hanging with a girl friend but he didn't tell me.

A lot of people have mentioned that it sounds like he wants to live the single life while having a girl friend at the same time. And yes, you are completely right. This is absolutely true and he said this to me himself. He said he sruggles to balance his wants to live his life his way, not having to report where he is and who he is with and being able to keep his girl friends that are dear to him while at the same time making sure that he keeps me happy and comfortable in our relationship. I know this to be true because I know he struggles with this. His ideals are that in a relationship we should trust each other enough to not have to report to each other. But he also knows that it makes me comfortable to know who he is with (especially when he's with a girl friend). So he struggles with this because it's againist his values but it's what I prefer.

He had not been in a relationship for 6 years when I met him because of this exact issue. He felt that he didn't always want to report to someone and he wanted a strong relationship but he felt he could never find a girl who let him be him. Girls were always so demanding and wanted to change him. He came into a relationship with me because he "finally found a girl he could just be with". He saids these exact words to me and to his guy friends all the time. He says that he loves that I let him be him. Which I do 95% of the time. Theres just a few things that I find it hard to compromise on which I would like him to try to adjust for me, such as letting me know which girl friend he's hanging out with, talking to on BBM, how he knows her, etc, just some info...

During our longg conversation, he started tearing up because he was talking about how much I mean to him and how he wants nothing in the world but to keep me happy. He said he has no complaints for me, and saying that I am amazing to him and an amazing girl friend. This was big for me because in the 5 years I've known him and the 2 years I've dated him, I've never seen him cry.

Any feedback after this update? I'm not ready to leave. Theres wayy too much good stuff here. He makes me more happy than I've ever been in my life. But there are still some things that make me uncomfortable... such as having so many girl friends that I don't know at all. And he doesn't want me to get to know them. He says thats his time away from the relationship...

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 07-05-2011 - 1:50am

This was the issue that broke up his last relationship and he's not willing to change.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Tue, 07-05-2011 - 9:40am

I'm glad you were able to have that talk with him.

"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

Pages