Is he being honest? Am I being unfair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2008
Is he being honest? Am I being unfair?
28
Tue, 06-28-2011 - 2:13pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2008
Tue, 07-05-2011 - 11:45am

Thank you so much for your reply harmony08.

Wow, you couldn't be more bang on right about the "enmeshment". This is exactly his concern, he says it to me ALL the time. I just didn't know there was a word for it. If we've spent one of the weekend days together, the next day, even if he's not going out himself, he always encourages me to call up my friends and go out with them. He always says that he wants to make sure we both have our own lives while in the relationship and don't get lost within each others lives. He says this ALL the time. Because of this he never gets too close to my friends and doesn't let me get too close to his friends. He doesn't want my friends to become his friends and doesn't want his friends to become my friends. He has expressed how much this concerns him many many times. And your bang on right that this can keep a couple at a distance because this did for us for the first year of our relationship. For the first year, I don't think he knew exactly how to become "close and intimate" with me while still ensurng he didn't become enmeshed in our relationship. I think we are slowly starting to find a balance with. We are clearly not there yet but have come a long way since we starting dating.

But I think you're also right about keeping an eye open to ensure this is really the reason why he wants to keep his girl friends away from me....

He has budged about the letting me know which girl friend he's hanging out with. He's not all that happy about it but he's willing to do it because it will make me feel more comfortable. He still isn't too keen on me knowing all of his friends, particularly girl friends. I already know most of his guy friends because they are all from one big circle of friends and I have gone out with them before many times. But most of his girl firneds are individual friends (not from a circle of friends), so I've never met them since he doesn't meet them much either other than chatting with them A LOT on BBM. He isn't too keen on me getting to know these friends, other than by name and how he knows them. He doesn't really want me to meet them right now, he feels like its not something you can plan and do, it's something that comes over time when you become closer and closer as a couple. I'll give him that.

But you're also right that I need to set my boundries on what I am not willing to budge on as well. There's only so much I can compromise on as well, just like him I also have values and I need to ensure I stand by them. He's amazing to me and makes me so happy that I can't put it into words, so I've compromised on a lot of things that I wouldn't have normally done previously. And I certainly am not complaining about it, I think he's worth it. But like I said, I need to ensure I remember my values and ensure I'm not compromising to the point that I will regret it and potentially resent him later.

Thank you very much for all of your advice. I appriciate that you actually took the time to think about the situation and read all of my LONG posts. You are clearly very knowledgable. And I apprciate that you gave feedback rather than just saying "drop him".

Lots of love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 07-05-2011 - 6:56pm

>>

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 1:27am

Well good, then at least you know what you are dealing with!

"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 11:35am

Exactly what I was going to say.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 12:17pm

At the end of the day you have to be fine with these issues. You have to be at peace with them. If you really are not, and are just burying them then you really are not fine with them. In that case you are pushing them off for another day. Fundamental ideas about boundaries have to be pretty well in sync otherwise you will always have these lingering and nagging doubts and suspicions. It is no way to go through life. He may be the best relationship you have even had but that does not mean it is the best relatioship you could have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2008
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 3:08pm
My challenge: I think I'm very confused myself as to what I am and am not willing to accept. So I think the point harmony08 made about setting my boundaries and making sure I stick to them is something I have to practice. I've been a pushover because I'm trying to be open minded...

My question: What specifically can I ask him to do? My BF doesn't meet and see his girl friends on a regular basis. Like I mentioned before, since the two years we've been together he's hung out with a girl friend maybe 3 times. He talks to some of them on BBM or facebook or other messaging system (damn technology!) on a regular basis and to some not on a regular basis at all. My question is how can I ask him to keep me more informed about his friends? I want to give him specifics on what I want.

Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2008
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 3:17pm

Your absoltely right khatru1. I am not fine with this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2011
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 4:11pm
I concur with the first poster. Don't spend one more minute on this jerk. I would not even say goodbye. Lose his number and break all contact. Please do not be a stupid female.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 8:10pm

I understand not liking the technology, but the technology isn't to blame here.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 12:23am
If your not comfortable with him talking to these girls on a regular basis you need to tell him that. He may not want to give up the attention he is getting from these other girls and may resent you for wanting him to. I would say he should just talk to them on FB where you can see what he's saying to them and visa versa. It's the messaging and private stuff that you can't see that's the problem, and will continue to create a problem in your relationship as long as he continues doing it.