Is he being honest? Am I being unfair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2008
Is he being honest? Am I being unfair?
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Tue, 06-28-2011 - 2:13pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 6:23pm

Hi, I wasn't sure if I should post because I'm not the most enlightened person when it comes to relationships, but I decided it was worth to tell you a bit about my previous experience.

I was married for almost 15 years with a man I met in college. He was my best friend and the only constant in my life.

He was also eager for female attention, verbally and emotionally abusive, physical at times. He always said he loved me and I always believed him. When he was good he was great and all I wanted was a happy family. He started doing things behind my back and lying to me even before we got married and never stopped. He had affairs; they started out as IM messages, texts, "lunches" at work, emotional affairs, "working late", and as we went through the marriage it got worse and worse.

Everytime I saw him being a bit too close with someone from work I wondered if I was too jealous. I had never been jealous before. *I* ended up being a person I did not want to be.

Each time he lied or decieved me in some way we would have an argument, a talk, and he would say the right thing. I would believe him and I would wait for things to get better.

He was my best friend, he knew who I was and I knew him, we loved each other, no one would ever love me like he did, we surely would find a way to make it work, right?

I hoped that he would learn and change. He never did. He never will. But I couldn't bring myself to leave him, even when I became depressed and suicidal. I went to therapy but I didn't want it when it became obvious he was the origin of my depression.

But we had children, and they needed me, I had to protect them from the screaming and name calling, so we separated.

It was so difficult. Even then I thought he was my best friend. It sounds so stupid now that he's completely out of my life, but it made perfect sense then.

I had to learn to live my life from zero. I had to learn to trust people again, I'm still trying to figure out what's normal for men to do and what's not. I feel I wasted so much of my life waiting for him to change, adjusting to his ways, changing ME so I could still love HIM, when I should have respected myself and tried to find someone who would respect me too.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sat, 07-09-2011 - 3:19am

Really great post, I_dontknow.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2011
Sun, 07-10-2011 - 7:26pm

DITCH him .. he is a flirt and he is stringing on a LOT of women ...

Another piece of advice: Any time a guy says he is meeting a 'friend' , it is a girl.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Mon, 07-11-2011 - 5:35pm

I was with a guy for six years who did all these things.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Mon, 07-11-2011 - 11:39pm

Good point, Memphisstars2004. a lot of people somehow equate "love" with "change".


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
Wed, 07-13-2011 - 1:46pm

Get rid of him NOW! I dated a guy like that and he is never going to change. You are just going to keep justifying his actions, and he is going to keep "trying to make it up". Believe me, there are plenty of guys out there that will dedicate time to you and open up to you,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2010
Wed, 07-13-2011 - 1:59pm
If you want to drop him, do it. But that sounds like the kind of person that he is. I know a guy like that and (while we were never together, we did sleep together for almost a year) that was just his personality. Very close to a lot of girls and never really thought of the majority of them as more than a sister to him. My fiance is kinda like that. He talks to girls thru his computer games and is friends with them, but wouldn't ever do anything. He doesn't really talk about them much unless its a funny story or something b/c he doesn't want me to get (upset is too strong of a word...) weirded out by it.

It kinda sounds like your guy is the same. Doesn't want to talk about them hoping to prevent a fight.

You're not being completely unfair hun and I'm not trying to say that. I'm just saying that maybe lighten up a bit. He's trying to not fight and for you not to stress about things by not saying anything. (I know, I know, it makes no sense... but he's a guy. Its how a lot of them, mine included, work) He went to fair a couple of times (the picture thing) but you have to understand... a new friend is kinda like a new toy. Guys like showing them off. Its nothing against you. I'm not saying what he did was right, just trying to explain.

You just have to decide whether this is the right guy for you. If you have doubts that he is, don't waste your time. :)
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Administrator
Registered: 01-03-2001
Wed, 07-13-2011 - 3:07pm

Karla
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