He can't accept my past...advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
He can't accept my past...advice please
1
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 1:18am
Hello,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years; we’ve dated and been friends for about 5 years. We’re both in our early twenties. Lately we’ve both been kind of thinking about whether or not we think we are “the one” for each other and if we want to take this into the future (marriage). We know we both love each other very much, there is no doubts about that but the major problem he is facing is that he can not seem to get over the fact that I have had more sexual partners then he has in the past and that most of them still live around here or have their family here. (He has only slept with myself and an ex girlfriend who has moved away--I’ve slept with 4 more people than he has) He brings this up almost every night now and says stuff like “the amount of guys you slept with is ridiculous” or he’ll just start not talking to me and Ill ask him what’s wrong and he’ll say stuff like “I cant believe that you had sex with those guys” or something like that. I admit to him that I did make mistakes in the past and if I could take back those guys I probably would—mostly just because I didn’t love any of them. I’ve tried explaining to him that we have yet to invent time machines and since I cannot change my past, he needs to move on and not let the past effect the future. He agrees with me and usually feels bad after he says these things but it just seems that this is something he cannot shake. He says it makes him very angry to think that these other guys have been inside me. I tell him how bad it makes me feel because I know it bothers him very, very much but there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. By the end of our “discussion” I usually get very angry and go to my bedroom. I try not to get mad but it is very frustrating to me. I think getting mad at him for thinking in this way is probably the wrong reaction, but I don’t know what other reaction to give him. I love him with all my heart and I want to marry him, but this just seems like he cannot get over the fact that I have had this amount of sexual partners in the past—I don’t want this coming between us in our relationship. Can anyone who has been through this or maybe has some insightful knowledge please give me some advice on how to handle it when he does this, its been almost every night lately, and it is making me a bit depressed. I also need some help on how to not get mad at him and how to make him believe that what I’ve done in the past should not have anything to do with our relationship and its future. Thanks in advance for any help, sorry for the long post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 6:32am
This is HIS problem, not yours, and that means that YOU can't solve it. There is nothing you can do about your past - and there is nothing that you have disclosed about it that is shameful in any way. So stop beating yourself up about this. The only mistake you made was giving this information to him. It wasn't (and ISN'T) any of his business.

You can try seeing a couple's counselor about this issue, but frankly, I don't hold out much hope. His attitude about what happened in the past, before the two of you got together, indicates that he is immature and that his expectations (regarding you, as well as the world in general) are very unrealistic. At the very least, this means that he's NOT READY for a committed relationship, with you or with anyone else. Would you consider entering into a relationship with someone who still believed in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny? I'm sure you wouldn't. Well, his attitude is no less ridiculous (or immature, or unrealistic).

So, if he won't go to counselling, or if he goes but it doesn't work, you have no choice but to move on. The relationship isn't going anywhere, and it CAN'T go any farther, unless he changes his entire attitude, and as I said, that's not very likely. You can give this a try, but don't expect it to be a quick fix - growing up takes time and work.

I'd prepare myself for the worst ahead of time.

Lee M.