He Can't Keep A Job...
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| Wed, 09-06-2006 - 7:31pm |
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years now, living together for over 1 year. He has had 4 jobs in the time I have known him and it wasn't until I was with him for awhile that I found out this has been a reoccuring pattern in his life. I spoke to him on the phone today from work and he indicated to me that his time at his current job will soon come to an end. Although I know that this is really not his fault and it is out of his hands, I still said to him that he cannot keep a job. He got very angry with me. I've told him time and time again that stability is very important to me. My parents both have steady long term jobs, I myself have had only 2 jobs in my lifetime and I left the first for a better position. My boyfriend only finds work because he looses the last job. He finds work quickly, but this is still uncomfortable for me. I need to be stable and know what is coming. I want him to contribute. I feel like I'm burdened with him moving from job to job, because it seems like it could end in the blink of an eye, so unexpectedly. I could end up being the only income and for even just a few days would be too much for us. We're just making ends meet enough as it is.
How the hell can I make him see that it is important that he keeps his job? How do I get him into a job that he likes so he will stay? It seems like when he tries something he says he will like, he ends up HATING it after only a few months. He always comes home and gripes about how awful it was, how poopy his boss is. Then he says "oh you're so lucky you work for a good company" Yes, I am fortunate that I have a good job, but it has its stresses too, my boss can be very frustrating at times, but I don't let it rule my life. I'm so worried.
Now he wants to go to school for another career. It's a brief course with a good hiring rate at the end, very promising. However, how the hell do I know that he's not going to be disatisfied with this job too? This whole thing could just be a waste of money. Things could be extra tight for no reason at all. And after I told him he cannot keep a job he tells me that I'm the one holding him back!!! after I told him last week to just go ahead and enroll in the course, HE TELLS ME I'M HOLDING HIM BACK!? I had to hang up the phone at that point. I'm not putting up with that crap....
grrrr....I'm so frustrated. What do you think?

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buttongirl83,
I'm having a hard time really wanting to give advice because it would be really helpfull if I knew both of your ages first.
Defleppardgal
"How the hell can I make him see that it is important that he keeps his job? How do I get him into a job that he likes so he will stay? "
You CAN'T.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
I am 23, he is 26. The thing is, he's holding me up from what I want to do. I'd like to be responsible, work full time and take some part time schooling to better myself. I cannot do this if he wants to go to school too. I have to wait for him to be done, but he isnt going to make up his mind! He wants to quit before he gets let go, because it is inevitable that this will happen...he is trying to get something lined up before this does occur, but the thing he's getting lined up is only for a short time too! We already know this! I'm just so frustrated.
Also, he used to live on his own when I met him. He has since he was about 18. I however, have always lived with my parents until just last year when we moved into the condo that I purchased myself.
Edited 9/6/2006 8:11 pm ET by buttongirl83
buttongirl83,
No one should "hold you up from doing what you want to do".
Defleppardgal
I'm going to give you a different perspective here because I think you're out of line.
I think your boyfriend is doing the right thing by doing some extra training. My ex husband was a one-job man, but he hated his job and refused to seek training in a different field. At least your boyfriend has the initiative to seek a new direction. And he's wise enough to start the training before his current job ends.
I've just returned to the workforce at almost age 40 in a different career and have *finally* found a job that I'm satisfied with. Many people aren't satisfied with their jobs and do swap and change till they find what is really meant for them. And it may take many years to find their direction. This is normal and it's OK.
I was raised also raised with the ideal of having a job for life. However, these days it's not so realisitic. My husband is in the IT industry which is quite ruthless. He has been outsourced and retrenched more times than I can count. It's not his fault - he's a good worker and has never been sacked for poor work. It's more a case of being in a job that ends.
Anyway, like your boyfriend, my husband has never been out of work for long. Yes, sometimes he's had to settle for 6 month contracts or jobs that weren't great just till he found something better....but even with him being the sole income earner we've never fallen behind in our mortgage, we have always had clothes on our backs and food on the table.
You said yourself >>Although I know that this is really not his fault and it is out of his hands<<. If this really is the case, it's wrong of you to blame him for something that is out of his control. I can't imagine how terrible my DH would feel if I was upset at him for refusing to work for an outsourcing company or was upset at him for changing jobs when he's unsatisfied or for accepting a 6 month contract. And I'm happy that he's willing to take a bad job while he looks for a better one. It's better than not working at all!
In your post, you've not complained about him sitting on his bottom watching TV all day. You said that he finds another job quickly. I really don't see anything wrong with this situation if he's pulling his weight financially - which he apparently is. Though there is one thing that confuses me: you say that you want him "to contribute". But if he's finding work quickly, then how is he not contributing?
Lastly, you want to do some training too? Well, you said that his course won't last long. You do yours when his is finished.
The problem is not with him wanting the training, I think its GREAT too! But, when the idea of enrolling in the course changes each and every day from, yes I will do it this year, to no I dont want to do it at all, to I'm going to do it this spring and back again, this is terribly confusing! Not to mention, as he decides more and more that this is what he wants to do, let's not forget we don't have $$$$ to be putting him in the course NOW. Not to say he can never do it, but he can't do it NOW. He's not thinking about that. He's not thinking about the $300+ dollars he spent on his ipod last week but I'm caught paying the bills and the mortgage, and I make more than he does.
It is good that he finds work quickly, but this is not secure. I did say that the reason he is losing this current job is not his fault, but I didnt say that meant all of his jobs were like that. His last job was PERFECT and he screwed that one up by being careless, even after all of the times I told him to watch it. He has tried several different lines of work, nothing pleases him, and at the end of the day, who does he complain to....ME! He is always mr. negative. The first thing he says when he gets through the door is "my boss screwed this up today....I can't believe he said this to me"
He needs to find a job and stick with it. I already know what I want to do, and I can't do it because he can't make up his mind. How is that fair? We have to work as a team. He should be able to help me out if I want to get training too right? If he is not going to make up his mind about his training why should I wait because he can't hold a job? And if he does decide that he wants the training NOW, why the hell should I have to suffer financially and work extra because he hasn't taken this into consideration before signing up? That's not smart, thats not responsible, thats just selfish!
If I decide, oh I'll wait untill he's done his training because it's not long, I'll be waiting for years because he decides not to take it and then to take it or change to a different date so many times! he has planned it for this year and all of next year because he has changed his mind that many times....ITS ONLY A 3 MONTH COURSE! WTF?
I want to be able to sell the condo and buy a house in 5 years. If he doesnt have a committed job, we'll never be approved for a mortgage. This is important to me. Why shouldnt this matter? I feel on edge and stressed all of the time because I feel like I can't count on him to be stable. I need stability.
If employment stability is important
After reading all of your responses I think the first poster got it right. You have a parent child relationship. You keep telling him, and have told him repeatedly, and are trying to get him to become who you want, comparing him to yourself. This is not the way partners treat each other. At best you are in a codependent relaitonship that is destined to fail. I don't think it matters what job he has or not....the relationship dynamic has a fatal problem.
I would say that you need to get rid of this "boyfriend" and spend some time understanding your own issues that contribute to you feeling the need to be the mother in a relationship where you need to be a partner to have a healthy relaltionship. Then you can start looking for the right guy for you. If you don't work on the source of your own issues, I can almost guarantee that this relationship dynamic will repeat itself down the road.
Congratulations for recognizing some pretty serious red flags. You have an opportunity to prevent this from being a long-term and significantly greater mistake (i.e. if you married and had kids with this guy).
Best of luck, P.
Buttongirl, you didn't mention that he's procrastinated with his training and that you're paying the bills! This completely changes my reply :-)
First up I can only agree with what the other posters have written: If you want a guy who's satisfied in his job and is doesn't switch around, he's not the man for you. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change him. No amount of reminding from you will stop him from screwing up a job. Besides, you're not his mother ;-)
You mentioned that you're stuck paying the bills and the mortgage. Does he pay you market rent? Does he contribute 50% towards the utilities? If not, I'd be throwing him out and finding a flatmate who will be reliable with their bills. If b/f spends $300 on an iPod but owes money for bills - it's OK to throw him out.
I would also forget any notion about the two of you working as a team. Yes, it sounds good in theory (and this is how my marriage works), but to work as a team, you both need to be team players. And he's not.
Being as he's not a team player, if you want to stay together - you'll have to reach your goals independantly. If he wants to go to college again, let him support himself through it. He can get a part time job pulling beers at night. If you need financial assistance to support you while you return to college, get a flatmate who pays their rent and utilties. If you've only got a one bedroom flat and cannot share, you may have to see a financial advisor and look at your options.
Refusing to support him or throwing him out may sound harsh. But I'm a believer in tough love. While you are supporting him, he won't learn to support himself.
Understand, living apart doesn't mean you have to break up, it just means you're financially responsible for yourselves, and that, at this point in your lives (according to your situation) is important to each of you. Even if neither of you wanted to further yourselves in school, being dependant on each another is not a good thing. You need a strong, independent partner, and so does he. The only way either of you will become strong and independent is to make it on your own.
Much as you probably hated to read them, you got some great messages, I urge you to reread them. I agree with what you've been told, and there really isn't much to add to the great responses you've received.
A "Q & A" article that may ring true for you:
Square Pegs in Round Holes
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited to include my agreement with all the responses received (at the time of my writing, I was only aware of Aisha, Dirextor and Defleppard's posts)
Edited 9/8/2006 1:50 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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