He can't stop the lies
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He can't stop the lies
| Sat, 01-28-2006 - 2:02pm |
I am at my wits end to the point where I think I may be going crazy. My DH has been lying to me for months. Mostly about his whereabouts when he is not home. Other than the lies, he is perfect. and he lies about the same thing all the time. He has a male friend that lives hours away in Chicago and he 'visits' him on the sly constantly. I always find out though. Whenever I confront him on it he has a way of twisting it all around to make it my fault. Like I make him lie. He used to think I had a problem with his 'friend' but I have told him time and time again that the only problem I have is with the lying about him. Its a very odd relationship and sometimes I even question if they could be having an affair or something(??) Its making me crazy as there is know way I could ask him about THAT without killing his masculinity. I know he loves me, I can feel it and I have no doubt that he wants to be with me and I know he is not seeing any other women. Its just that I have a gut feeling that maybe there is something 'going on' between them. Is it possible for a perfectly loving straight man to be doing this? We have a pretty good sex life (2-4) times per week but he does take ED drugs which he lies to me about too.

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How often does he visit his friend in Chicago? I'm also wondering about the fact that you always find out about the visits...does he not bother to hide his trail?
I hate suggesting this, but have you ever thought of having him followed to find out exactly what he's doing while away? And is it possible that he's not even in Chicago but somewhere else with someone else?
Do you have kids?
He certainly wouldn't be the first guy to hide being gay behind a straight marriage. My thought is that if your gut feeling is that there's something going on between them you're probably right. I do think it's telling that you feel it's something between him and his friend rather than an excuse he uses to have an affair with a woman. That would suggest to me that there are other indicators that he may be gay. The fact that you're having regular sex isn't really a factor, often sex isn't affected, or is even more frequent when an affair is in the works.
What's for certain is that his behavior doesn't make sense; why would he lie to begin with, let alone continue to do so? The very fact that it doesn't make sense says something isn't right about it, if I've learned anything I've learned that when explanations leave you with a question mark it's not because you're dense it's because what you've been told doesn't make sense. Why did he previously think you didn't like his friend? That could have been his hyper sensitivity surrounding his friend. How long have you been married? It seems odd to me that this would just pop up over the last few months, but I suppose they could have recently decided to get together more regularly, or maybe you've just now begun to discover their meetings? Also, he's taking drugs for erectile dysfunction and lying to you about it? Why would he lie? AI'm wondering if perhaps he's a compulsive liar, are there other things he lies about?
I will say that whatever's going on, clearly something's not right. If he's having an affair, gay or not, you are at risk for STDs and these days, that's no small thing. If it were me, I'd be pretty intent on getting to the bottom of it rather than continue to put myself at risk. If he's hiding his true sexuality, it's possible that gently asking him if he's in a relationship with his friend might be a relief to him. And if he's not, it might just show him the damage and problems his lies cause. You can also press him to tell you what's going on without asking or accusing him of anything. Have a serious conversation, tell him you know something's not right and you want him to tell you the truth about what's going on. Don't accept an answer that doesn't make sense or doesn't ring true; when he gives an excuse that doesn't fly, tell him straight out you're not buying it and again ask him to be honest with you. Obviously, if he doesn't want to tell you you can't force him to, but you can let him know his dishonesty is causing major problems in your relationship, causing you much distrust and until he's honest with you, you can't begin to resolve whatever it is, can't begin to address it. If he's not willing to open up initially, I'd continue to ask for several days at least, it's possible with some time to think about it he'll be willing to open up.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
You're "attempting to trust a liar"........
That's the equivalent of sticking your head in the sand because "I don't want to hear it" - while your butt is in the air to be kicked without warning, repeatedly by all comers-along.......and once it happens "you won't want to feel that" either.
At some point, you'll be kicked hard enough to get your head out of the sand...........and when that happens don't put it back in - stay with your head in the air and live life on life's terms.
he's a liar because he wants to be...he's got something going he wants you to know nothing about.
Do yourself a tremendous favor, seriously. IF he's having an affair or not, you know he WANTS TO LIE. No matter how often you tell him that his deceit is the issue - not his whereabouts, he refuses to believe you.
Liars generally do refuse to believe the truth........they don't tell it and don't think anybody else is either.
So, you're wanting to stay, and he's wanting to lie - quit asking questions so that you have nothing to be "lied to" about.
Be grateful for what you get, and don't thik about what you're unsure about.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
First of all, YES! It's totally possible that he is a loving partner for you and yet still having a homosexual relationship at the same time.
I can somewhat relate to the whole deception thing. I just broke up with my boyfriend because I found out he had continued dating (online) while he was being intimate with me. We had already had the discussion about what it meant if we were "together" and we both agreed it meant not seeing other people. However, while I followed that agreement, he decided he would still "shop" online. I discovered it a month and a half into our relationship. By the time I discovered it, he had supposedly stopped shopping and had just told me he loved me. So, basically, I guess he realized how he felt about me and only then decided to commit to our agreement. He convinced me to please not give up on us and forgive him for what he did. So, I've been trying for the last month to get past the breach of trust and believe he's not really an ass. I gave up the other day after a monthly long bout with stomachaches, interrupted sleep and all kind of insecurities about whether or not he really is being honest now or if he's just enjoying having me for regular sex while still keeping his "options" open. It hurt a lot and only way for ME to move past it was to break up and separate myself from him. So, for me, discovering that I've been lied to severely damaging what I think should be an open and trusting friendship. When one partner shuts down (or lies) to another repeatedly, it's a major sign that they're probably not fully into it. You say you can feel he loves you but you're getting caught up in the same trap I did.........it's more about what HE feels about you and you're neglecting what you FEEL about HIM. Do you respect a guy who you know has less than stellar character???? Do you feel comfortable or are you constantly on edge wondering when the next lie will come out? That's not love....that's neediness. I know....I've been there many a time. Don't sell yourself so short. Go out and get what you REALLY want.....like...um...an honest man.
I'm sorry for your experience, but it sounds like you made a great decision and you used some very smart reasons for reaching the decision you made. You're worth much more than that guy had to offer, I'm sorry all this happened, but I'm glad you're out and able to find the relationship that you deserve.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I found it odd that he'd say he stopped involving you with his friend because of a negative gay comment that ticked your husband off. Since he knows you have no problem with gays and knows you have gay friends, why would a comment from you be offensive? It's not like you were being derogatory about his friend. What is your husband's gay tolerance level, is he accepting of gays? Sometimes comments made that ring true are the very thing that illicit anger and indignation -- how dare you think that of him! It's an exaggerated response due to involvement. The reaction is over the top because when you're in the situation it's hard to judge what's "normal" and it seems right to be upset and angry over "accusations" (suggestions) that are actually true. The louder we protest the more attention we're bringing to ourselves, you know? What's that Shakespeare line? "Methinks thou dost protest too much"
There are a couple of articles on signs of an affair in our Information and Resources section:
list of possible signs of cheating
Signs of Cheating
You might also want to post on the Betrayed Spouses Support board. They certainly have a lot of experience dealing with situations like this.
Cheating or not cheating, he is lying to you, clearly. IMO, the fact that your gut would say affair is very telling.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
It is quite possible that your DH is on the "down-low". It's when men have straight relationships and then will fool around with other men. These men will die swearing that they are totally straight and DEFINITELY not gay or bi or anything. So it could be in that regard that he (if he is having an affair with his friend) really, really thinks he's straight. Oprah had a show about this a sometime in the last year or so and I've also seen it referenced on Law and Order (not like they are authoritative or anything....)
Jen
The weight of his transgression against you can only be determined by you.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
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