Is he cheating?
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Is he cheating?
| Sat, 03-25-2006 - 8:09pm |
I have just had a huge argument with my boyfriend. We have been living together for over a year. His job is out of his home office in California and he also goes back to New York every few months for a week at a time to his work headquarters.
During the time we were dating (2years ago)he hired a new co-worker for the New York office, which he said took him over 11 months to complete - he works in a very visible field and said he needed someone who had the right look. Tall, blonde, and well endowed is what she looks like. I am petite and dark featured. He had her come to California for 1 week to get aquainted (at his home office- she stayed in a hotel, he picked her up every day and they dined together all week. I was not introduced to her). Then they traveled together to Los Angeles during her trip to CA to introduce her to other heads of the company. At the time she was out my boyfriends best friend made a comment about her having taken her sweater off and sun bathing in the back yard. At first I thought the friend was just stirring up things, but it made my boyfriend very uncomfortable he would change the subject immediately. I didn't take much stock into the account because his friend is known for stirring things up. Then she had breast surgery and my boyfriend said she was now flat as a board and he felt so sorry for her. She has only taken time off of work for 2 days plus a wwekend. I suggested that maybe she had implants taken out. He said she didn't have implants, I asked him how he knew and he said she told him they were her own breasts. There has be no mention of breast cancer.
Usually when my boyfriend would go to New York her would leave on Monday and come back Thursday. That was until about 7 months ago. He now goes back on Sunday. The last three times he has gone back he has said he was having dinner with his co-worker in question, saying she was driving 1 1/2 hrs into the city to meet him for business then driving 1 1/2 hrs back home that same evening. This woman has 2 children and takes off multiple hours during the work week to be with her children, she says she doesn't see them enough and wants to be sure to be able to attend school functions etc. She is a single mother, her ex is very supportive of her. (My boyfriend says he doesn't mind her hours away from the work day because she works late at night.)
I had questioned why they were getting together on Sunday nights when they see each other during the week, his answer was they needed more time to catch up on business and he didn't have enough time during the week due to other business concerns. He always called me up before he went to bed, but the conversations were very short, sometimes even cutting our conversations off in mid sentence then not answering the phone when I would call back. He said he had shut his phone off and had gone to bed. She has also asked him to see Broadway plays with her family - he didn't go , but told me about the invitations and she has also brought her children into the city to meet my boyfriend. He said she wanted her children to meet her employer.
I had my reservations about all of this but my boyfriend said he was commited to our relationship and he wasn't having a relationship with her. Then 2 weeks ago he was scheduled to go to New York - on a Sunday. He said he was not seeing his co-worker on Sunday. On Saturday the day before he left she left a message on the answering machine. Her message was "Master, I'm just calling to see if we can put our calenders together and schedule dinner and some time together. Maybe a spin class type of night or maybe we can get some other type of exercise in! Can't wait to see you! I'll try you on your cell phone." This was at 7:45 am California time.
I didn't hear the message until Saturday evening when checking the messages - we had been out all day. I had dropped my boyfriend off at a neighbors on our way home so he wasn't at home when I played the message.
When my boyfriend got home I questioned him about the message. He said he hadn't received a message on his cell phone and that tipically when she called he didn't listen just called her back. He said he wasn't planning on seeing her for dinner, only work on Tuesday and didn't know what she meant by the message. Then he went to bed saying he had to get up too early to be continuing the conversation.
He called every night he was gone at his usual time without cutting me off. But he did see her the last night in New York - he said he happened upon her and several other workers at a restaurant and they all had dinner together.
When he got home he avoided any mention of the message. When i finally pressed him he said he knew she thought he was a great boss and had told him so. I then asked him if she knew we were living together. He answered that he keeps his personal life to himself and has never said anything more to her than "My girlfriend and I are going away for a weekend etc." I told him he needed to tell her and his response was " I can't just bring up that I live with you, I don't talk to her about my personal life and that would seem very unprofessional." I told him I thought he was hiding something and was very clear that I wanted her to know about our relationship. He said I was attacking his character and making him out to be less than honest and that the next time she became overly friendly with him he would let her know. I said obvioulsy she had been flirting with him and that wasn't flying with me and that even if he wasn't having a physical affair with her he liked the emotional stroking and that was why he didn't say anything to her. I am not a pushy, nasty person, just the opposite, and I just don't get his behaviour. I'm so mad and hurt. He finally conceded that he was going to tell her on this Monday.
What do you think of this situation?
During the time we were dating (2years ago)he hired a new co-worker for the New York office, which he said took him over 11 months to complete - he works in a very visible field and said he needed someone who had the right look. Tall, blonde, and well endowed is what she looks like. I am petite and dark featured. He had her come to California for 1 week to get aquainted (at his home office- she stayed in a hotel, he picked her up every day and they dined together all week. I was not introduced to her). Then they traveled together to Los Angeles during her trip to CA to introduce her to other heads of the company. At the time she was out my boyfriends best friend made a comment about her having taken her sweater off and sun bathing in the back yard. At first I thought the friend was just stirring up things, but it made my boyfriend very uncomfortable he would change the subject immediately. I didn't take much stock into the account because his friend is known for stirring things up. Then she had breast surgery and my boyfriend said she was now flat as a board and he felt so sorry for her. She has only taken time off of work for 2 days plus a wwekend. I suggested that maybe she had implants taken out. He said she didn't have implants, I asked him how he knew and he said she told him they were her own breasts. There has be no mention of breast cancer.
Usually when my boyfriend would go to New York her would leave on Monday and come back Thursday. That was until about 7 months ago. He now goes back on Sunday. The last three times he has gone back he has said he was having dinner with his co-worker in question, saying she was driving 1 1/2 hrs into the city to meet him for business then driving 1 1/2 hrs back home that same evening. This woman has 2 children and takes off multiple hours during the work week to be with her children, she says she doesn't see them enough and wants to be sure to be able to attend school functions etc. She is a single mother, her ex is very supportive of her. (My boyfriend says he doesn't mind her hours away from the work day because she works late at night.)
I had questioned why they were getting together on Sunday nights when they see each other during the week, his answer was they needed more time to catch up on business and he didn't have enough time during the week due to other business concerns. He always called me up before he went to bed, but the conversations were very short, sometimes even cutting our conversations off in mid sentence then not answering the phone when I would call back. He said he had shut his phone off and had gone to bed. She has also asked him to see Broadway plays with her family - he didn't go , but told me about the invitations and she has also brought her children into the city to meet my boyfriend. He said she wanted her children to meet her employer.
I had my reservations about all of this but my boyfriend said he was commited to our relationship and he wasn't having a relationship with her. Then 2 weeks ago he was scheduled to go to New York - on a Sunday. He said he was not seeing his co-worker on Sunday. On Saturday the day before he left she left a message on the answering machine. Her message was "Master, I'm just calling to see if we can put our calenders together and schedule dinner and some time together. Maybe a spin class type of night or maybe we can get some other type of exercise in! Can't wait to see you! I'll try you on your cell phone." This was at 7:45 am California time.
I didn't hear the message until Saturday evening when checking the messages - we had been out all day. I had dropped my boyfriend off at a neighbors on our way home so he wasn't at home when I played the message.
When my boyfriend got home I questioned him about the message. He said he hadn't received a message on his cell phone and that tipically when she called he didn't listen just called her back. He said he wasn't planning on seeing her for dinner, only work on Tuesday and didn't know what she meant by the message. Then he went to bed saying he had to get up too early to be continuing the conversation.
He called every night he was gone at his usual time without cutting me off. But he did see her the last night in New York - he said he happened upon her and several other workers at a restaurant and they all had dinner together.
When he got home he avoided any mention of the message. When i finally pressed him he said he knew she thought he was a great boss and had told him so. I then asked him if she knew we were living together. He answered that he keeps his personal life to himself and has never said anything more to her than "My girlfriend and I are going away for a weekend etc." I told him he needed to tell her and his response was " I can't just bring up that I live with you, I don't talk to her about my personal life and that would seem very unprofessional." I told him I thought he was hiding something and was very clear that I wanted her to know about our relationship. He said I was attacking his character and making him out to be less than honest and that the next time she became overly friendly with him he would let her know. I said obvioulsy she had been flirting with him and that wasn't flying with me and that even if he wasn't having a physical affair with her he liked the emotional stroking and that was why he didn't say anything to her. I am not a pushy, nasty person, just the opposite, and I just don't get his behaviour. I'm so mad and hurt. He finally conceded that he was going to tell her on this Monday.
What do you think of this situation?

For what's it's worth - I have a horrible feeling while reading your post.
::I then asked him if she knew we were living together. He answered that he keeps his personal life to himself and has never said anything more to her than "My girlfriend and I are going away for a weekend etc." I told him he needed to tell her and his response was " I can't just bring up that I live with you, I don't talk to her about my personal life and that would seem very unprofessional." I told him I thought he was hiding something and was very clear that I wanted her to know about our relationship. He said I was attacking his character and making him out to be less than honest and that the next time she became overly friendly with him he would let her know. I said obvioulsy she had been flirting with him and that wasn't flying with me and that even if he wasn't having a physical affair with her he liked the emotional stroking and that was why he didn't say anything to her.
How sad all this has been going on for so long. I'm shocked that he says he doesn't share his personal life BUT clearly allows her to share hers with him (breast, nude sunbathing, plays, having her kids meet him).
Way over the line in an employee/employer situation. I feel for you. What are you going to do?
Carrie
Ok, take a deeeep breath and here's a {{HUG}}. I, too, got a suspicion feeling from your post...more like intuition, and I think you have it too.
In my opinion, I think he is spending waaayyy to much time with this woman, and frankly, I don't like her message...and he seems to be too blase about this with all his answers at the ready.
May I suggest you post this situation on the "Betrayed Spouses" Board...they really know all the signs of cheating..they've been through it all and I really think can give you some real insight.
Hang in there, but follow your tuition...it is usually on the money with women.
withclarity
I think that if he were committed to your relationship and wanted to assure you that nothing was going on, he'd make an effort to show you that, but he's not. Instead, he avoids conversations, claims ignorance and then makes statements to side track the conversation; when he claims that you're questioning his character and making him out to be dishonest, the focus is shifted from her to "how dare you think that of me". It gets him off the hot seat and puts you in the position to explain/defend yourself. It's an old trick, but it can only work if you fall for it.
What would I have done? First of all, in response to his "I can't just bring up that I live with you, I don't talk to her about my personal life and that would seem very unprofessional" I would respond with "Certainly not as unprofessional as taking her to your friend's house where she took her top off." Clearly though, he's not making an effort to assure you, he's not offering you tangible assurance, he's asking you to trust him when clearly you're suspicious (with good reason) and he could offer you more. He's making a choice and he's choosing to keep you in the dark. Have you never called his work number after hours (if he's working late so many nights you're bound to catch him there on some attempts)? Have you considered making a surprise visit to New York and just appear at his apartment? Have you never called his work and introduced yourself to his assistant? I think the fact that he's "conceded" to tell her he's living with you says a lot; it might be enough for me to tell him not to bother telling her that at all because it was no longer the case. I would think if he were interested in helping you feel better about this situation he'd offer some suggestions that would ease your concerns, but he doesn't do that, he only expects you to trust him, and you know he could offer you more tangible assurance.
I'd suggest you check in with the Betrayed Spouses Support for their thoughts and suggestions (despite the name, you don't have to be married to be a board member), but I think you already know that if he's not having an affair with her, he's interested in one; this certainly does not sound like the "innocent" situation he wants you to believe it is. I would urge you to listen to your gut, if it's screaming (and I think it is), it's doing so for a reason. I think some of your problem is that what you're learning and what he's saying don't make sense together, the result is that you're trying to make rational sense out of what he's telling you, which is hard because it doesn't make sense. My guess is you don't generally have a hard time making sense of what people tell you, right? You don't generally go around working to figure out how things fit together because you can't make what you see and what you're told don't fit, right? What I've learned is that when explanations such as his leave you with question marks instead of answers, you need to view the question marks as red flags. It isn't that things don't make sense because you're stupid or you just don't get it, things don't make sense because they don't make sense. In other words, you're trying to make logical sense out of a bull**** story and bull**** stories don't make sense. Trust yourself, stop trying to find a way to make him right. If it doesn't make sense question it until it does. If he gets upset and claims you're questioning his character, tell him when he tells a story that makes sense his character won't be in question. But don't doubt yourself, you're the only one who's making sense.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"