He cuts off his emotions

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2006
He cuts off his emotions
19
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 2:42pm

I am M'd 2.5 years to a nice guy, a smart guy. We are best friends. I had an affair a year ago, which I ended. I went to individual therapy, which has been great for me. I even started MC with my H, just to try to communicate to him that I was/am seriously doubting our M. After a few months of MC, I can see that he and I have a HUGE communication problem, and have for some time. Because we were great friends, I didn't address the problems we had- I always thought we were great communicators. Through this process it's come out that my H has very little access to his own feelings and emotions, and so he is not able to express himself with me. I feel angry at him for all the times I felt that he abandoned me to deal with our problems by myself. He's a great guy, and now that I realize what our #1 problem is, I don't know how I feel about it.

I realize that when you marry someone, you should be responsible for them to a degree. The thing I am struggling with now is, do I HAVE to stay M to a man who can't talk to me? Do I have to stick with him through this to see if he can address some of the issues he has himself? I doubt he would go to T alone if I did not suggest it and find him a therapist. I feel like I make all the plans in our M, and don't want to continue to do that. The question is, as his wife am I obligated to push him to connect with himself so he can connect with me in our M? I know he'd like to, but I don't know if he'd do the work unless I insisted. Sometimes I think I would rather just leave him, and hope he learns from our failed M that he needs to take care of himself and his issues. But then I feel guilty, like I should stay and give him a chance, but I don't know how much a person can really change. I want him to be a direct and more aggressive person, who can speak about his needs and wants for us and our future. Am I asking too much?

Any advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 5:46pm

Are you asking too much? Without some specific examples, it's hard to say. With what you write, I'm wondering if you are expecting him to learn to be a different person. And this is asking too much. One of the aspects of a successful marriage is accepting our partners for who they are.

From what you describe, it appears that you have a fairly ordinary bloke on your hands. There's nothing you write that indicates to me that he needs individual therapy. Lots of guys just aren't expressive about their feelings and don't enjoy deep and meaningful discussions with spouses. It kinda sounds like you want him to behave like a girlfriend. Have you read the Mars and Venus books?

I understand your frustration about you doing the leading in the relationship because it's the same here. I pretty much drive our marriage and family direction too. But that's because I'm a leader and my husband is happy to follow on. There would be no point in trying to change my husband because I'd be fighting a loosing battle in trying to make him something he's not.

You mentioned that he abandons you to deal with problems alone. What type of problems are you referring to? Is it the fact that you're unhappy that he's not a sensitive new age guy? Or are there other marriage problems? Or do you mean you are the one who has to call the plumber when the toilet breaks? If you are referring to the fact that he's not trying to change himself, then it's simply an indicator that he's happy with who he is.

>>Sometimes I think I would rather just leave him, and hope he learns from our failed M that he needs to take care of himself and his issues. <<

Does he have issues other than not being a SNAG? If so, what are they?

I realise this post is mostly disagreeing with you. However, I'd be more than happy to reconsider my position if you provided more information and some specific examples.

Lastly, I'm not suggesting that you should stay with someone who doesn't make you happy. However, I'm concerned that you're wanting him to behave like a woman instead of the average man. I just hope your expections are realisitic.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2006
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 6:39pm

I totally understand how my post comes off. The thing is my H ISN'T a typical man's man. He's very artistic, and caring, and I think sensitive at the core of it all. Sometimes I think he is TOO new age (he prefers the term "progressive"). He believes in respecting women, and he is very respectful- so much so that he lets me do whatever I want and never even asks questions. Probably why I was able to "get away" with an affair last year. He never speaks up if something is bothering him when it comes to our relationship. Even though it's been VERY CLEAR (no sex for over 7 months now) that things were not right with us. He's just been waiting for me to be happier. I have felt for months now that he is just leaving the task of fixing our M up to me, by not being very present, and by not wanting to talk about hard things. He's seen me sit and cry, and he's been "there" for me, physically, but when it comes to talking about it all, he closes up and I have to basically cry and then find ways to DRAG his feelings out of him. He says "why do we have to talk about our relationship? I doubt other people we know do that". It makes me crazy because I truly think he just hopes our problems just magically go away.

I was so relieved this week in MC when the therapist flat out told him that she can see how he is unable to access his emotions, and that it seems like it is very hard for him to express himself. I think I cried a river, I just felt like "finally, this isn't my imagination!" Our MC sessions are a lot of me talking, telling him how I feel, and him sitting there saying "I don't know how I feel about that, I'll have to think about it" or something to that affect. And him saying "I don't know what to do, I am confused by all of this". He doesn't know about my affair but I've determined with my own T that what the affair showed me was that my H and I don't communicate; my AP was more interested in my feelings and more responsive than my H seems to be. The other thing I got from the A was that maybe I don't feel like making all the decisions in the household- it makes me feel like my H is not my partner, that we don't solve things "together". While he's been open to MC, he hasn't really been trying to DO much himself, or offer much thought, as to how we can fix things, or even offering up suggestions as to what could have gone wrong with us. My T says that maybe for him, nothing is wrong. He was ok with us just coasting along as we were. But I am not, and I am trying to figure out why.

I think he does have issues with anxiety that keep him from allowing himself to think certain thoughts. I haven't been wearing my wedding ring for months now, and I have told him that I am bothered that he hasn't said anything. He said he didn't notice. Finally after all this time he JUST told me how it makes him feel. Before he just told himself it didn't mean anything. He didn't allow himself to think on the negative aspects of why his W wasn't wearing her ring. And when he finally allowed himself to think about it, he actually got mad. I was relieved, I thought "finally, he feels SOMETHING". He seems sometimes to have no strong emotions either way about anything. Our M has been in a crisis for months and I just want to yell at him to start feeling something about it or I'm gone.

I'm trying to get him to get it, but maybe I AM asking too much, I don't know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 11:22pm
Welcome to the board, Hardtimes. I'm glad you posted a reply to Aisha, it added a lot of information and gave me a lot more insight and understanding to what you're dealing with. That said, I have a few questions, if you don't mind:


  • Has he always been this way? You said you'd been friends and that you hadn't realized communication was bad, which I'm not sure I understand. I think you might mean that your communication eroded over time, maybe that since you're more aggressive without realizing it, you pushed ahead and he faded back until you're in the place you are now. But, I realize I'm guessing. I do know what it's like to be with someone who doesn't have an opinion about anything, but I think if he'd always been like this you wouldn't have been attracted to him in the first place.
  • How long have the two of you been in counseling? I think a big part of your answer might lay there. If it hasn't been long, I think more time is probably necessary before you can know what changes might occur.
  • When you ask if you have to stay with him, I don't think you really need that answer, I think you know you don't. I think what you're looking for are opinions as to whether others think that's acceptable and appropriate or horrible, am I right?


    I do hear you when you say you don't think he'd be motivated to seek therapy without you doing all the ground work, finding the therapist, making the appointment, etc. Which probably makes you wonder how important your marriage is to him and how motivated he is to improve it. I think that's a valid concern, and I think that you feel like you've been doing everything in this marriage and here you are still doing everything - at a time when you need to see him making some real effort; that would show you that he's serious and he's interested, that would show you that there's reason to keep trying.


    I think it might be good to make an appointment to see your marriage counselor on your own. If you haven't been completely honest about your concerns, you can do it then. You can also get the counselor's thoughts on your husband, progress and what changes (or lack of) the counselor feels are likely to come about.


    Hope you'll let me know where I'm right, wrong and explain where I'm confused. I'll be checking back for your answers.







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-06-2006
    Sat, 03-03-2007 - 11:51pm

    Thanks for writing back. Just to answer your Q's, I'll start with the MC. We've been in marriage counseling for atleast 3 months now. And the progress is slow, I think #1 because a lot of what is wrong is only felt by me, so H has not much to add, & #2 because it isn't in H's nature to ask many questions, or to even ask much of me. I think he's taken this whole thing with a hope that if I could just be happier, then life would be good and we'd go back to normal. It's taken us this long see that we ARE so cut off from eachother. And this is what I mean about the great friends thing- we can spend time together now and it is decent. We share a similar sense of humor about life so we always have that, and it makes the days together bearable, and from time to time it is even actually fun. We are great companions. What we aren't good at is talking about things that really matter in a life shared- plans for the future, feelings or impressions of eachothers actions and how they effect the other person. We never fight, but that doesn't mean that we are 100% happy- it just means we both have a tendency to let things slide. In other words our life together just "is", without any deep emotion or passion.

    It really has bothered me that he hasn't been more "active" in addressing our problems. I know it's been hard because we don't really have concrete problems- no one is abusive, we never yell at eachother- but the fact that we haven't been intimate in 7 or 8 months makes it clear something is wrong. He never even asked me why I wouldn't sleep with him anymore! Before we started MC the overall mood in the house was very tense, and that has eased quite a bit. But nothing is really "happening". The MC JUST told him that his uncommunicative nature is damaging our R. The way I see it, we would have to tackle that issue before we figure out what else might be giving us trouble. In other words, how can you talk about your problems if you can't even talk about how you can't talk? Sound confusing? Try living it!

    I know he WANTS to try, but I don't really know what he can do besides his own T. I have suggested it, but I won't push it. I haven't considered meeting alone with the MC to see what her thoughts are on what can be done- I think she sees the dynamic we have when we are in counseling, that I am the more aggressive of the two of us. Maybe what I need from this M is something that my H can't give me? I know he is a wonderful person, that is why I married him, but I just wonder sometimes if this will ever work for me? That makes it harder though, because I feel like maybe I am being unreasonable, that I am expecting too much from marriage? I do believe in M's and R's having seasons, and I believe it's ok to have a rough patch. I just don't know if we're going through one of those "for worse" times, or if I just can't get my needs met here?

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Sun, 03-04-2007 - 2:39am
    It sounds like things have always been this way but that you've grown tired of not having a real connection. A real connection is important, without it, you have a surface relatioship; which can go quite smoothly, but as it has not depth and no real substance it's not at all satisfying. I think a partner should take you further, help you grow, enrich your life. What you describe is someone who keeps things on the same level always, no growth, no expansion. And you're right, just because you don't fight doesn't mean you have a good or happy relationship.


    I guess I wonder what individual therapy would do for your husband, it sounds like he's quite happy just as he is, what would he want to work to improve? Another important issue is (if I read you right) it appears that your husband is going to counseling apparently to appease you. It seems that he thinks you'll satisfy whatever your problems are and then the marriage will continue as it is now. In other words, he's quite happy with things just the way they are. Does he realize that in order for you to be happy and satisfied things will have to be quite different? Is he willing to make those changes? Have you asked him those specific questions? Most importantly, has he always been like this? If so, I think expecting change is quite unrealistic; he is who he is.


    In asking if you're expecting too much, you may be expecting too much of him, but you're not expecting too much of marriage or for your happiness. Accepting less than all that you want and need isn't acceptable, but if you started out with less than you wanted, expecting him to change isn't reasonable. If this is who he is, you're already not getting your needs met, expecting him to change into someone who will meet your needs isn't going to happen.


    I think an individual session with your marriage counselor would be a good idea. See:


    Rship Components - Healthy & Unhealthy








    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-06-2006
    Sun, 03-04-2007 - 11:47am

    You know what, you have actually given me something to really think about, just in your first couple of sentences. I thought we had a great connection in the beginning of our R, and I have always relied on looking at the past to indicate how it COULD BE in the future (how it could be if I could just "get over" my feelings). Maybe what we had was a great connection as a new couple, as 2 people who had never had a good relationship before; we definately had found something new and unique together, and it was amazing for the first year and a half. But maybe I have gotten tired of the fact that our connection hasn't really GROWN. I feel like I have grown and changed a lot, maybe the intensity and depth that I need to sustain a marriage just isn't going to happen with he and I? How could it if he doesn't really let himself feel intense feelings- he told me that he doesn't see the point in getting worked up about stuff, that he's afraid if he let himself he would fixate on things and make them into more of a problem than they need to be. I think that's pretty funny, I mean, if your wife says she's not sure she wants to stay M to you, don't you then allow yourself to feel some strong emotions, atleast about that??

    I know he would really like to try to get in touch with himself, but maybe you're right, maybe it would just be an effort to make me happy enough to continue this M. I don't know for sure yet. I am getting ready to go stay with a friend for awhile; it's something our MC and my T both think is a good idea. I am hoping that will help me get some clarity.

    I really appreciate you saying that I'm not expecting too much from a M. And you're right, maybe it is too much to ask of him. It's just hard to give myself permission to hurt someone that I know I love and who is a really amazing guy, just because I feel unsatisfied. I feel sometimes like, "who am I to ask for anything more than this. this should be enough."

    I will look into meeting with my MC alone, atleast for a minute. I didn't know that I could even do that, so thanks for suggesting. I really appreciate you taking the time to listen to my problems.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Sun, 03-04-2007 - 2:31pm
    Has it occurred to you that rather than him being unwilling or unable to feel/express deeper emotion, this is simply who he is and what you're seeing is the depth he possesses?


    A book that might be of interest to you is "How Can I Get Through To You? " by Terrance Real The book basically discusses men who are satisfied with surface level relationships.








    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-06-2006
    Sun, 03-04-2007 - 2:52pm
    hmm, I'm not sure. I will go look at it closer, but from what I read on amazon it doesn't seem like "us". For one, I don't need much empowering, I am pretty good now at expressing myself to H, atleast about this stuff (with the help my T has given me). It's just that I get nothing much back from him. I will ask the MC, though. I think my H is very deep and emotional, and I have seen bits and pieces of it from time to time. I really do think he does not allow himself to "go there" with unpleasant thoughts. I think he blocks it. You could be right, I could be wrong, but I think there is anxiety and pain in him that he doesn't really want to experience. I guess it is ultimately up to him to decide if he would even want to try, maybe he doesn't want to feel anything but surface emotions. It's not even just the negative emotions, he isn't very extreme in either direction, his "energy" is pretty low.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Sun, 03-04-2007 - 7:34pm
    I didn't read it as being about empowering women, I read it as why so many men are satisfied with loe-level, surface relationships and what it takes to make a change in them.

    **Edited to clarify - when I say "I didn't read *it* as being about empowering women, I mean I the book itself, not the Amazon.com description.**


    I always suggest checking the book out from your local library rather than purchasing; why buy a book that you don't know you'll want?








    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown



    Edited 3/4/2007 7:49 pm ET by cl-2nd_life








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-06-2006
    Wed, 03-07-2007 - 7:45pm

    Hi 2nd life,
    Just wanted to give you an update. I made an appt to talk to our MC alone this Friday. Somethings that have come up- my T thinks, from what I have said about H, that he might be chronically depressed. Also that one sign that he might not be 100% satisfied being so emotionally cut-off is that when he actually has shared his feelings with me he said "it felt good to say that." MC suggested that maybe he can come in and see her individually to work on his own issues with communication, and H said ok. Thing is, when she asked him when he could do it, he hesitated. She gave him the option of calling her later but then decided to just make an appt and if he needed to cancel it later on he could. I swear, I think if she hadn't made the appt for him, he might not have called to make his own.

    What is so frustrating to me is that I have basically told my H that I have one foot out the door and I can't see him doing anything to stop me. I just want some ACTION from him. I don't think I'll ever get it. I feel like I have been trying very hard for months now to sort out our problems, just to figure out what they are. Up until now he just thought that it's all my fault, that I don't "have my head straight". But now that there is something for him to do (his own T to get to the root of why he can't express himself), I don't see him wanting to do it.

    Just wanted to update you, still haven't looked at that book.

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