HE decides on things and If I dont then I'm "negative and ungreatful". Showing him that's not fair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2011
HE decides on things and If I dont then I'm "negative and ungreatful". Showing him that's not fair.
17
Sun, 02-05-2012 - 12:07pm

I have lived in 4 cities in the past 5 years due to my husband job. Everytime we've moved I've had to take the first job offered to me in order from being tight on the bills (hether I wanted to work there or not.)I love being out in the country and being around my family and friends those are the things that make me happy. But I live in a duplex in the middle of the city and my closest friends and family are almost 2 hours away. I dread going to my job and I'm looking for another but the economy here is not good. But I

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
" But everyone makes me feel like a horrible person " who are all these other people other than your husband ? Do you have kids ?

In regards to your stuff you have collected over the years, I would do color coding with curtains, cushions , coffee table etc. and decorate. I agree that couch color makes a difference but you can still work around. Its likely that your husband too had something in mind that when he bought a couch, it would be brown in color , just like you bought stuff .

Best thing would have been to discuss with him that brown couch would not compliment your other stuff. If he doesnt try to understand, thats not right as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Well obviously the couch isn't the real issue--the real issue is that you have been dragged around by his career choices and live in a place that you don't like and not close to your family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

Goodness, I realise that the couch is just one part of what's going on - but I'd never dream of buying a major decorating item without making sure my partner was happy with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2011

When I refer to "everyone" I'm referring to my husband as well as some of his family members as well as some of mine. I'm a big believer in not holding things in and so if im upset about something(or if I like something)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2011

My husband works for a freight company. Since I have met him he has had the goal to continue moving up within the company. This reqiures us to move...sometimes to towns with very little jobs. He makes good money but when I dont work it becomes very hard to juggle our bills usually due to cost of living. He had been with the company for over 10 years leaving is not really an option he would consider.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

>>I'm a big believer in not holding things in and so if im upset about something(or if I like something) I express it. Many people have jumped on my case about me commenting on the things I don't like saying im too negative <<

Ms Quandary, I assume you

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
You're not wrong for the way you feel. The color of a couch may seem insignificant but that's the very point - everything important in your lives is what HE wants and he can't even grant you something as small as the choice of a couch color? It's the principle of the matter and the principle is telling you that he doesn't care at all about what you want, from the big things to the little things.

First of all, you need to tell everyone else to mind their business unless you ask for their opinion. They are not privy to the full workings of your relationship and therefore, unless you ask for their advice, it's not their place to give it.

I would then suggest counselling for you and your husband.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
I'm going to give some counterpoint advice to ukgirl.

1. The quickest way to keep people out of your business is not to tell it them! Stop oversharing with "others" and they won't be able to criticize you.
2. Buy a throw or slipcover for the couch. Move on with your life. Men can be really daft about colors/things going together. It's likely he wasn't trying to hurt you, he just thought it was a nice couch/a good buy whatever. Bed Bath & Beyond has very nice covers, and you can wash them, also when you get tired/want a change, you can get a new one.
3. Sounds like the moving around is unavoidable and agreed to by you at the beginning. Doesn't sound like there is much way to change it now. You'll have to find a way to make the best of it. Make local friends, join a club/group/church or something to expand your circle, and give yourself an outlet and support network. Otherwise I don't see much other choice than to leave him and start over. I am guessing that's not what you want.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

>>First of all, you need to tell everyone else to mind their business unless you ask for their opinion. They are not privy to the full workings of your relationship and therefore, unless you ask for their advice, it's not their place to give it. <<

I agree they should keep their nose out of her relationship.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005

" If she is driving them nutty, it's absolutely their place to let her know."

Then they should say "I'm tired of hearing about this." Not "you're a terrible wife". Sometimes, people just need someone to talk to, someone who is a good listener. Maybe she doesn't know any good listeners, in which case, yeah, maybe she should stop talking to them about it. But it's not her fault if they aren't good listeners.

"2. Buy a throw or slipcover for the couch. Move on with your life. Men can be really daft about colors/things going together. It's likely he wasn't trying to hurt you, he just thought it was a nice couch/a good buy whatever. Bed Bath & Beyond has very nice covers, and you can wash them, also when you get tired/want a change, you can get a new one. "

The issue is clearly not just about the couch. It's just one of those small things that becomes the straw that broke the camel's back.

"3. Sounds like the moving around is unavoidable and agreed to by you at the beginning. Doesn't sound like there is much way to change it now. You'll have to find a way to make the best of it. Make local friends, join a club/group/church or something to expand your circle, and give yourself an outlet and support network. Otherwise I don't see much other choice than to leave him and start over. I am guessing that's not what you want."

Sometimes, people agree to things because they think that the relationship will be an equal give and take, only to find out later that they are the only one giving and their partner is only taking. Is that really something someone should just live with?

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