he doesnt want to get married? now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2009
he doesnt want to get married? now what?
7
Mon, 04-22-2013 - 8:09pm

Hey my boyfriend and I have been together over two years we have lived together for one.  Lately a lot of people we know are getting engaged some have been together less than us and most of them are younger then us.  When I ask him if he wants to ger married he says no.  When I pry futher because I am not happy with a simple no.  He says he doesnt know if he wants to get married but it is not something he is thinking about right now.  I am really confused because i feel like after two years he should know if he wants to marry me and I think the thing is he doesnt want to get married ever.  Or he does not have that feeling with me that makes him think shes the person I want to marry.  He told me that he has reservations about marraige because so many of them fail.  I feel like if you marry the right person and are willing to work on problems when they arise, and do not cheat  marraige can work.  I want to get married and have a family but I do not think it will happen with my current boyfriend.  The thing is I'm scared to leave.  I feel some comfortable here.  I like having my own place.  If I leave I have to move back home because I cannot aford to live on my own.  I'm dont even know how to make the first step.  How do I even tell him I'm leaving?  I dont want it to feel like an altimatum.  I'm not getting what I want and i feel like I will never.  I also dont want to make the wrong decision.  I feel like what if he is just confused and I move out and it could have changed.  I'm also scared because I lost my Dad in December and my boyfriend was there for the whole thing.  I feel like he understands me and lets me be upset and everything that comes with a loss.  I'm so scared to be single and alone, and afraid I will never meet anyone.  My best friend just got engaged and although I am happy for her.  I am sad for myself because it makes me realize what I might never have.  What would you do in this situation?  if you choose to leave how do you go about it?

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 7:25am

starzzglo wrote:
<p>Hey my boyfriend and I have been together over two years we have lived together for one.  Lately a lot of people we know are getting engaged some have been together less than us and most of them are younger then us.  When I ask him if he wants to ger married he says no.  When I pry futher because I am not happy with a simple no.  He says he doesnt know if he wants to get married but it is not something he is thinking about right now.  I am really confused because i feel like after two years he should know if he wants to marry me and I think the thing is he doesnt want to get married ever.  Or he does not have that feeling with me that makes him think shes the person I want to marry.  He told me that he has reservations about marraige because so many of them fail.  I feel like if you marry the right person and are willing to work on problems when they arise, and do not cheat  marraige can work.  I want to get married and have a family but I do not think it will happen with my current boyfriend.  The thing is I'm scared to leave.  I feel some comfortable here.  I like having my own place.  If I leave I have to move back home because I cannot aford to live on my own.  I'm dont even know how to make the first step.  How do I even tell him I'm leaving?  I dont want it to feel like an altimatum.  I'm not getting what I want and i feel like I will never.  I also dont want to make the wrong decision.  I feel like what if he is just confused and I move out and it could have changed.  I'm also scared because I lost my Dad in December and my boyfriend was there for the whole thing.  I feel like he understands me and lets me be upset and everything that comes with a loss.  I'm so scared to be single and alone, and afraid I will never meet anyone.  My best friend just got engaged and although I am happy for her.  I am sad for myself because it makes me realize what I might never have.  What would you do in this situation?  if you choose to leave how do you go about it?</p>

The very first thing I would do is to square it in my head that this particular man, while possessing a lot of good qualities which helped you through a very hard time in your life (and I'm very sorry for the loss of your dearest father), is not the man on whom you should be hanging any future plans.  He has told you his feelings on marriage and on marrying you.  He is not interested in taking that route.  That does not make him wrong.  It doesn't make you wrong for wanting what you want, either: it just makes you both wrong for each other.  IOW: he is not the right person for you if you want to be married and have children and you are not the right woman for him if he wants to remain single with no legal obligations to anyone.

Your friends' relationships with the men they are with have nothing to do with the path your relationship with this particular man is required to take. The guys your friends are with are marriage minded men; your guy isn't.  You need to find a man who is marriage minded.  This guy sounds more like someone who was put in your life to help you through a transition period and that is all he can provide for you.

When you moved in with each other, was the expressed intention to one another marriage within a certain time frame?  Or was moving in with him your way of escaping your parent's home?  Playing house with a guy, acting like his wife, is absolutely no guarantee of a wedding and a future with that guy.  He will gladly accept all that you are doing to maintain his life if you are willing to give it up without giving you what you want out of the deal, especially if the terms of your living together were not clearly laid out before you moved in.

The first thing I would do, were I you, is to get solvent to the point where you can afford to live on your own--or have a talk with your parents about the parameters you both agree upon should you choose to return to their home.  Or use a roommate finder online to find a roommate to share a dwelling until such a time that you can afford to support yourself on your own without needing a man or anyone else to help you out.

As far as your fear, being scared: anything done with fear as its basis has no hope of a good outcome.  You are going to have to muster your courage--or fake it til you make it--and set off on your own to find the happiness you want and deserve.  You cannot let fear or being comfortable rule your life or else 5+ years will roll by and you will still be single, childless and bitter because your guy still doesn't want children... or worse: you have an "oopsy pregnancy" and he bails on the both of you because he's made it quite clear to you that that is not the path he wanted to take and you're left having to raise a child on your own with little to no help from him... or resentful help from him, which is just as bad as no help.

Do not every buy into the thinking that you will never find the guy you want---unless you insist upon clinging to this guy who doesn't want what you want.  There is a guy out there who wants what you want and wants to give it to you without any reservations or doubt.  But first, you have to concentrate on wrenching your life away from the hole it's in with this guy and get his vibe out of your system so that you are emotionally free and clear to enter into something new with someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 10:43am

I feel that you are doing the right thing.You are NOT giving him an ultimatum because you know...if someone doesn't feel that it's right for  them at the moment..it's not good to force someone.I agree 100%..for ME ...that after being with someone for 2yrs...then marriage should be the next step.I had made errors before in being with someone for almost 6yrs and not being married..after 5yrs we finally got married.It only lasted 1  1/2 yrs .but I felt that I still had done the right thing..NEVER again...though will I ever be with someone for more then 2yrs and NOT get married.I understand about being afraid to leave because youre comfortable with that situation about not having to live with your parents and being on your own..in a way BUT you should leave the relationship because it's run its course.He's just not ready to get married and it's not you..it's just him not ready for something like that...move on and find someone who is ready for the committment as yourself and you'll be fine.You know what I hate?!! When people say that so many marriages fail...it's not MARRIAGE that fail...it's always someone who has a certain problem in the relationship who doesn't want to deal with things.It takes 2 people to make a marriage work and if 1 of the 2 refuses to deal with certaing things...then there is nothing you can do about it except leave and start a new.I wish you thebest..

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 12:13pm

I assume that you're young & it's making you more anxious to see that your friends are getting engaged & you're not--first of all, you have to get your friends' situations out of your mind.  You can't get married cause someone else is getting married and you feel that you're missing out--that would probably end up w/ you marrying the wrong man just to get married & getting divorced later.  some people get married at 25, some at 30, some even later.  But right now your guy told you that he has no interest in getting married & it doesn't sound like he'll change his mind any time soon.  It's not like he's saying that he doesn't want to get married now, but he's waiting for 2 yrs until he finishes grad school or something like that.  some people just don't want to get married for various reasons.  I think you have a very naive view of marriage--yes if you marry the "right person" and are willing to work on your problems and dont' cheat, the marriage has a better than average chance of working, but it's always a risk that it won't work--I think people have to be willing to jump in & take that risk because you have no guarantees, ever. I thought I was marrying the right person because we had similar values and were compatible and we dated for over 2 yrs before getting married--I was pretty surprised when after 13 yrs & 2 kids, he wanted to get divorced.  I don't think anyone who knew us when we were young could have predicted that.

But back to your problem, if you know that you really want to get married, then you have to leave this guy.  yes it's scary to go out of your comfort zone.  He's probably a good guy too--it's not like your'e saying that he abuses you or anything like that, so it will be sad to be without him.  But if marriage is what you want, then he's not the one.  If you move out and he realizes that he really misses you a lot and doesn't want to be without you & wants to marry you, then he can tell you that--it's not like you move out and he falls off the face of the earth.  I would not phrase it like an ultimatum--marry me or else I'm leaving you--that will never work.  You have to tell him that you realize that you both want different things--he doesn't want marriage and you really do and instead of trying to convince him, you just need to find someone who is also open to wanting marriage.  I would really try to look for a roommate so you don't have to move back w/ your parents--if you & he can afford to live together, then you could probably afford to live w/ a roommate.  My 24 yr old DD & all of her friends all have roommates so it's not unusual.  and make sure that you have the education & job to be able to support yourself in the future & not have to rely on a man.  there's no guarantee that you'll meet someone else, but you definitely won't meet the marriage minded guy if you're still living w/ your current BF.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 12:38pm

As far as moving out from your shared home with your BF, the roomate idea sounds like an excellent idea. ASs far as being afraid, its understandable. Many people are afraid of the unknown. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. This will make you stronger in the end. Finding out that yes you are capable of being on your own, being without him, etc.

There are 7 billion people on this planet. Half are male. A certain percentage of those are single adults. That leaves you with a bazillion of possible mates. To say that you won't find anyone else is ridiculous. Of course you will. Somewhat like the idea of soulmates. To say that someone is my soulmate sounds a litte shortsighted given that any person only dates an infinitesimally small percentage of all the possible mates on this planet. There are likely many people out there who are compatible enough to be a soulmate.

As the others have said, each of you has the right to want whatever you want out of a relationship. You now know that what he wants and what you want are not the same. That means its time to leave. No one is wrong, no one is right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Wed, 04-24-2013 - 1:11am

I could not have said it better than Kendahke1.  Read it again -- it's dead on. 

The only things I'd like to add are these:  

*Just because your friends are getting married (younger, together less time) does NOT mean they're making the right decision.  In fact it suggests just the opposite. 

*The things you listed as making a marriage last are good, but you left out the most important item:  You must be in that marriage with the right person.

Like some have suggested, it does sound like you're young.  Don't be in a big hurry.  Remember that until you and any boyfriend reach at least the age of 25 and perhaps as much as 30 your brains aren't done developing and choices made before that development is complete are very likely going to be choices that you'll regret.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Fri, 04-26-2013 - 12:12am

Dear Starzzglo Iagree with the others who said you should leave. If the two of you are on different pages concerning marriage then you have to go the route that's going to get you the expected end you're looking for. When a man says what he wants that is generally what he wants! You say you're scared of leaving and he change his mind about marriage. Sweetie if he's not scared of losing you don't you be afarid of finding you. You owe it to yourself to have your heart's desire. Just like you can't force him to marry you, you also can't sit around waiting on a day that may never happen with him.Take your power for your life. If you want marriage and kids then free yourself for it to come your way Wishing you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 1:19am

Did you never discuss what you wanted before you moved in with him?  Did you just find out that he "doesn't believe" in marriage because so many fail?  It doesn't matter what other people are doing, either.  They aren't you.  You want marriage, and he doesn't........that means you're not compatible, you don't want the same things.  You don't stay with someone that doesn't want what you want simply because you like living away from home.  You've given him two years of your life........do you want to give him another two, or four or ten?   Also, when a man says he doesn't want to get married, what he's really saying is that he doesn't want to marry YOU!  This same problem has been discussed here hundreds of times.  And when the woman leaves him, within 9 months or a year, he's getting married!  That's because he found someone he WANTS to be married to. 

It's time to swallow your pride and tell him that he doesn't want what you want, and that you're leaving.  You're in a dead end relationship.  There's nothing to be scared about, either.  You're better off alone than with someone who won't give you what you want in life.  And then you'll be free to look for someone who DOES want what you want.........and for heaven's sake, don't move in with someone unless you KNOW they want what you want.  Future plans should be discussed before you live with someone.