He is friends with his ex and I have a problem with it

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
He is friends with his ex and I have a problem with it
50
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 7:29pm

My husband and I have this issue that is really eating me up. I don’t know if I am right or wrong or simultaneously both, but it is making me crazy.

My DH and I have been together 5.5 years and married 2.5. I really love this man.

I am jealous of his ex fiancé. She lives in another state but they keep in touch regularly. He says the relationship consists of him giving her advice about her life.  I don’t know exactly how much they talk, or email or text or whatever but I think he talks to her and thinks about her a lot more than he admits. I think that he gets something out of that relationship that he does not want to admit to me (or himself.)

He knows that I am jealous. I have told him that it hurts me that he talks to her. He chooses to do so anyway, so whatever he gets out of it must be pretty important to him.  I have told him that I feel like he loves her more than me and that he would leave me for her. He says that is nonsense and that he knows he could have her back and doesn’t want her back.  

As a husband, he is great to me other than this. We communicate. He tries to make me happy in a million little ways. He defers to my preferences and he’s good with the kids. He has a good job and he’s in school. We bought a house together and there is enough money to go around. We are a match on many levels.

With her they did drugs and got arrested. They ruined each other’s lives and the seemed to have had a lot of passion and a lot of sex.  He says they went through hard times together and experienced things I would never really understand (what does that mean??)

We have discussed him not talking to her anymore, but I am not certain I want to be the one to put a stop to it. I freely have friendships with men and he trusts me. He has many other women friends who I have no problem with.  I still speak to my ex but only because we have children together. We are not friends. I feel like I would like him to stop talking to her because he knows how much it hurts me.

This is the one and only thing we ever fight about.

I am really hurt about this, and I don’t know what my options are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

I know right.. I cant believe it myself these days but the more i read and learn and get educated about it a man seems to stray with a push of a button if he isnt getting his ego boosting and meals at home.. Just an observance. I have a guy friend who is already 58 and I although I love him dearly his ego is bigger than Might Everest and for what reason? He has none because he isnt so great. I always tell him that but he cant seem to get it...

 

I dont know but it seems to be the norm these days.. Men flirting and cheating and being friends with ex'exs. Maybe its the new age thing.. (lol)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

I think it's more than fair as long as the woman is warned up front and has the opportunity to pass before she gets too involved.

BTW, women do all these things too when 'neglected' although in general a woman's critera for neglect may vary slightly.

Read the affairs boards lately?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

oh; yeah; I read the affairs board and lets just say I cannot comment on that.. I am  no prude and have done things I regret and not too proud of and yet I still cringe at affairs and they are so sad and complicated...

I am divorced twice for different reasons and I have had my share of good and bad relationships and now that I am old (58).. I believe BTDT and not going back again.. plus being this old no one cares nor wants me anymore so I dont have to worry..

Although if a miracle occurs for me in this lifetime and I do find a man and he finds me again I think i wouldnt have a problem boosting his ego if he n eeds that..because I cant afford to lose another one.. (lol)...and time is running out..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

I think that we need to accept ourselves as old (I'm 50) so that others can comfortably follow suit. Naturally, we wouldn't expect everyone to do this but those who might could easily be put-off by our lack of self-acceptance. I know I was affected this way when recently looking for my next wife.

Then, we have to work what we have and improve where we can. Lastly, searching for the right person takes tons of diligence. I spent a year online investing about 2 hours a night average before I found the woman for me. Even at that, she is from the Dominican Republic so picking up her roots to move to me is less than ideal. I would have preferred to find a girl in my own area but I'm hard to please so I had to compromise somewhere since I didn't want to be searching forever.

On the flip side, I have a lot to offer the right woman and all it takes is matching up your wants/needs and gifts/giving with the same from ones prospective mate. Best wishes and don't give up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
She can give him all the sex he wants, doesn't mean he's going to stop craving attention from his ex. Maybe he's not looking to cheat, but wanting an ego boost from another woman that's not his wife. The point is what he's doing is hurting her and causing insecurities and strife in their marriage and he should stop talking to/texting his ex regularly if it's causing problems in the marriage. Sorry but to me it's a no brainer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

I think that you are describing an American male phenomenon which doesn't apply in all cases. If a man eats right, exercises, keeps his belly fat to minimum, and retains a good attitude toward relationships, there is no reason a mid-thirty something's performance should noticeably suffer from his 'sexual peak.'

At 48, it took me several months to get in shape (sex specific muscles) for monkey sex with my embarrassingly young gf after my divorce but once I got there, I didn't notice any difference b/t that sex and sex in my 20's.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

Ah, so this is about a lot more than sex.

Are you able to find a way to engage his spiritual/religious side in conversation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
I hate to sound discouraging, but one of my male friends told me that he had all the sex he wanted (and any kind of sex he wanted) from his stunningly gorgeous wife (I met her and she truly is stunning), yet he still had affairs. In fact, he ended up leaving her for a prostitute (!) he met at a party who is not nearly as attractive as his ex wife! So I don't believe that a man who is getting all the sex and ego-boosting he wants at home is guaranteed never to stray.

That being said, I think the planned talk you lined out sounds like a great idea. Lack of communication ruins so many marriages. I hope you're not afraid to speak honestly to your husband. I also believe you have the right to ask (not demand) your husband to cut down the contact with his ex. If you don't come out and ask he'll never know what it is you'd like from him. I hope the talk goes well!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sounds like she's going out of her way to "satisfy him at home" and he's still seeking out attention from his ex. Now what.? She can sit him down and have a long talk with him and either he'll be understanding of her feelings, or he'll be all defnsive about this friendship with his ex. Much depends on his reaction to the conversation at this point. If he comes up with the " Don't tell me who I can be friends with and how much I can call her" defense, the marriage is in trouble. Hopefully it will go the way of him understanding her feelings and agreeing to stop the constant contact with her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Yep. If a man is the "cheating type", no one woman, no matter how good she is at "satisfying him" will ever be enough.