He is friends with his ex and I have a problem with it

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
He is friends with his ex and I have a problem with it
50
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 7:29pm

My husband and I have this issue that is really eating me up. I don’t know if I am right or wrong or simultaneously both, but it is making me crazy.

My DH and I have been together 5.5 years and married 2.5. I really love this man.

I am jealous of his ex fiancé. She lives in another state but they keep in touch regularly. He says the relationship consists of him giving her advice about her life.  I don’t know exactly how much they talk, or email or text or whatever but I think he talks to her and thinks about her a lot more than he admits. I think that he gets something out of that relationship that he does not want to admit to me (or himself.)

He knows that I am jealous. I have told him that it hurts me that he talks to her. He chooses to do so anyway, so whatever he gets out of it must be pretty important to him.  I have told him that I feel like he loves her more than me and that he would leave me for her. He says that is nonsense and that he knows he could have her back and doesn’t want her back.  

As a husband, he is great to me other than this. We communicate. He tries to make me happy in a million little ways. He defers to my preferences and he’s good with the kids. He has a good job and he’s in school. We bought a house together and there is enough money to go around. We are a match on many levels.

With her they did drugs and got arrested. They ruined each other’s lives and the seemed to have had a lot of passion and a lot of sex.  He says they went through hard times together and experienced things I would never really understand (what does that mean??)

We have discussed him not talking to her anymore, but I am not certain I want to be the one to put a stop to it. I freely have friendships with men and he trusts me. He has many other women friends who I have no problem with.  I still speak to my ex but only because we have children together. We are not friends. I feel like I would like him to stop talking to her because he knows how much it hurts me.

This is the one and only thing we ever fight about.

I am really hurt about this, and I don’t know what my options are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

Ah, so this is about a lot more than sex.

Are you able to find a way to engage his spiritual/religious side in conversation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

I think that you are describing an American male phenomenon which doesn't apply in all cases. If a man eats right, exercises, keeps his belly fat to minimum, and retains a good attitude toward relationships, there is no reason a mid-thirty something's performance should noticeably suffer from his 'sexual peak.'

At 48, it took me several months to get in shape (sex specific muscles) for monkey sex with my embarrassingly young gf after my divorce but once I got there, I didn't notice any difference b/t that sex and sex in my 20's.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
She can give him all the sex he wants, doesn't mean he's going to stop craving attention from his ex. Maybe he's not looking to cheat, but wanting an ego boost from another woman that's not his wife. The point is what he's doing is hurting her and causing insecurities and strife in their marriage and he should stop talking to/texting his ex regularly if it's causing problems in the marriage. Sorry but to me it's a no brainer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

I think that we need to accept ourselves as old (I'm 50) so that others can comfortably follow suit. Naturally, we wouldn't expect everyone to do this but those who might could easily be put-off by our lack of self-acceptance. I know I was affected this way when recently looking for my next wife.

Then, we have to work what we have and improve where we can. Lastly, searching for the right person takes tons of diligence. I spent a year online investing about 2 hours a night average before I found the woman for me. Even at that, she is from the Dominican Republic so picking up her roots to move to me is less than ideal. I would have preferred to find a girl in my own area but I'm hard to please so I had to compromise somewhere since I didn't want to be searching forever.

On the flip side, I have a lot to offer the right woman and all it takes is matching up your wants/needs and gifts/giving with the same from ones prospective mate. Best wishes and don't give up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

oh; yeah; I read the affairs board and lets just say I cannot comment on that.. I am  no prude and have done things I regret and not too proud of and yet I still cringe at affairs and they are so sad and complicated...

I am divorced twice for different reasons and I have had my share of good and bad relationships and now that I am old (58).. I believe BTDT and not going back again.. plus being this old no one cares nor wants me anymore so I dont have to worry..

Although if a miracle occurs for me in this lifetime and I do find a man and he finds me again I think i wouldnt have a problem boosting his ego if he n eeds that..because I cant afford to lose another one.. (lol)...and time is running out..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

I think it's more than fair as long as the woman is warned up front and has the opportunity to pass before she gets too involved.

BTW, women do all these things too when 'neglected' although in general a woman's critera for neglect may vary slightly.

Read the affairs boards lately?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

I know right.. I cant believe it myself these days but the more i read and learn and get educated about it a man seems to stray with a push of a button if he isnt getting his ego boosting and meals at home.. Just an observance. I have a guy friend who is already 58 and I although I love him dearly his ego is bigger than Might Everest and for what reason? He has none because he isnt so great. I always tell him that but he cant seem to get it...

 

I dont know but it seems to be the norm these days.. Men flirting and cheating and being friends with ex'exs. Maybe its the new age thing.. (lol)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

Why do we have to always be working to boost their ego? Are men THAT insecure that they constantly need to seek out attention from other females if they feel their not getting enough attention at home? Oh BOO HOO poor babies. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

<< Maybe he needs to grow up and live in the now and stop chasing a fantasy from what? 20 years ago? >>

I wish that I could say men on a whole have evolved to the point where that is all they need to be told and shazam.

Check back in another 2-3 million years :smileyhappy:

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 12:25pm
Most often you hear about people communicating with EX's because of shared children. In this case they have no reason to communicate other than their friendship. Men and women should be able to be friends, but things get more hairy when they want to be friends with an ex.

Its a very gray area and every couple must come up with their own rules. So this is what you are struggling with.

Perhaps it could help if you asked him to not have as much contact. It would be a good faith effort on his part to make you feel better.

You may never equal her in the wild dept but remember he is with you for a thousand other reasons. Men fantasize all the time about other women. You are never going to stop that from happening. So don't feel as though your H is different somehow in that regard. It is almost impossible for you the W he sees everyday to live up his fantasy women in the sex dept. But he knows you are real and in the here and now.