He is friends with his ex and I have a problem with it

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
He is friends with his ex and I have a problem with it
50
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 7:29pm

My husband and I have this issue that is really eating me up. I don’t know if I am right or wrong or simultaneously both, but it is making me crazy.

My DH and I have been together 5.5 years and married 2.5. I really love this man.

I am jealous of his ex fiancé. She lives in another state but they keep in touch regularly. He says the relationship consists of him giving her advice about her life.  I don’t know exactly how much they talk, or email or text or whatever but I think he talks to her and thinks about her a lot more than he admits. I think that he gets something out of that relationship that he does not want to admit to me (or himself.)

He knows that I am jealous. I have told him that it hurts me that he talks to her. He chooses to do so anyway, so whatever he gets out of it must be pretty important to him.  I have told him that I feel like he loves her more than me and that he would leave me for her. He says that is nonsense and that he knows he could have her back and doesn’t want her back.  

As a husband, he is great to me other than this. We communicate. He tries to make me happy in a million little ways. He defers to my preferences and he’s good with the kids. He has a good job and he’s in school. We bought a house together and there is enough money to go around. We are a match on many levels.

With her they did drugs and got arrested. They ruined each other’s lives and the seemed to have had a lot of passion and a lot of sex.  He says they went through hard times together and experienced things I would never really understand (what does that mean??)

We have discussed him not talking to her anymore, but I am not certain I want to be the one to put a stop to it. I freely have friendships with men and he trusts me. He has many other women friends who I have no problem with.  I still speak to my ex but only because we have children together. We are not friends. I feel like I would like him to stop talking to her because he knows how much it hurts me.

This is the one and only thing we ever fight about.

I am really hurt about this, and I don’t know what my options are.

Pages

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
I agree with the post that mentioned that one can get all they can handle at home, and yet they still seek the thrill outside the relationship. So its not really about not getting good enough at home. I think this applies to the physical and also the emotional or the ego. What man doesn't like to be found attractive by other women. What man doesn't get off on the idea that his woman wants him.Doesn't mean he will pursue, but he likes it.

Interesting details about your take on her. The fondness of being deceptive and your feeling of the disrespect of your marriage and her having her hooks into your H. It kind of gives more insight as to just where your discomfort comes from. She is not just the ex who is friends with the H, but she is the ex who wants to throw a small wrench into your marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Maybe she has to pre approve them first.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
I think what concerns Cali is not so much the possibility that her husband may have sex with his ex (since that would be allowed within the context of their marriage) but that there is a potential emotional tie. Some people are able to have sex and use only their bodies and their imaginations, while others forge an emotional bond. I think it's the potential emotional bond Cali is concerned about. I think if her husband had a night with the ex and never spoke to her again that would be less concerning than an ongoing relationship involving continued communication.

Cali, I believe you feel threatened by the ex, which is why you're upset. You're probably not threatened by some random one night stand because your husband doesn't continue to see or contact these women. But you are aware that your husband not only used to love this woman, but they shared some intense experiences. Experiences that you and he have NOT shared, and that you may fear he looks back upon fondly.

Have you had the chance to have "the talk"?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

Yes; Me too my post did sound sexist.. and I would agree with peace here ..

anyhoo; I just read a post from Cali on the snooping boards where she states she and her husband have an open relationship where they bo th can have sex with other people. Sorry Cali.

So does this change up the whole dynamic of the relationship and the problems??

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

Your right. What I should have said is "if a man (or woman) is the cheating type, no one person will ever satisfy them". With women out in the work force almost as much as men, I have read that office romances have just about equalized  in the sexes. I just said a man because this particular post is about a woman concerned about her man and another woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

Nice post truebluestrine.

I only asked about engaging his spiritual side because I require, long for, the same in my SO. Not just agreement mind you, but someone who challenges, excites, and stimulates me in this area. Basically, a woman who is passionate about it. Even though in my last relationship she was Jewish and I Protestant, it worked because we were both passionate about our beliefs and spent many hours engaged around them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

Free and Peaceyma, I find your comments beyond sexist.   

I have to agree with Glenn about taking a look at the affair boards and looking at all the women who are cheating.  

Why are you laughing at men who need an ego stroke when we (generally speaking about board members)  tend to give sympathy to women who's men never compliment them?   Isn't a woman's need for compliments a sign that she needs ego stroking too?   Last I saw, compliments fell into the realms of one of the five languages of love.  Why is it OK for a women to need compliments but not a man?    Seems to me that some people from both genders need ego stroking.

Men wanting to be friends with exes?   Have you read all these posts by women who can't understand why her ex won't be friends?   The ones who can't bear 'no contact'?   While I don't agree on having a close friendship with an ex, it seems that many women do want this.   Again, men aren't the only ones.

Sorry for the rant, but I really like men.  And there are many good men out there who you are insulting with your generalisations.   And there are a lot of women who you are letting off the hook by not admitting that cheating is as much a problem for men as it is women.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Yep. If a man is the "cheating type", no one woman, no matter how good she is at "satisfying him" will ever be enough.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sounds like she's going out of her way to "satisfy him at home" and he's still seeking out attention from his ex. Now what.? She can sit him down and have a long talk with him and either he'll be understanding of her feelings, or he'll be all defnsive about this friendship with his ex. Much depends on his reaction to the conversation at this point. If he comes up with the " Don't tell me who I can be friends with and how much I can call her" defense, the marriage is in trouble. Hopefully it will go the way of him understanding her feelings and agreeing to stop the constant contact with her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
I hate to sound discouraging, but one of my male friends told me that he had all the sex he wanted (and any kind of sex he wanted) from his stunningly gorgeous wife (I met her and she truly is stunning), yet he still had affairs. In fact, he ended up leaving her for a prostitute (!) he met at a party who is not nearly as attractive as his ex wife! So I don't believe that a man who is getting all the sex and ego-boosting he wants at home is guaranteed never to stray.

That being said, I think the planned talk you lined out sounds like a great idea. Lack of communication ruins so many marriages. I hope you're not afraid to speak honestly to your husband. I also believe you have the right to ask (not demand) your husband to cut down the contact with his ex. If you don't come out and ask he'll never know what it is you'd like from him. I hope the talk goes well!

Pages