He is friends with his ex and I have a problem with it

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
He is friends with his ex and I have a problem with it
50
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 7:29pm

My husband and I have this issue that is really eating me up. I don’t know if I am right or wrong or simultaneously both, but it is making me crazy.

My DH and I have been together 5.5 years and married 2.5. I really love this man.

I am jealous of his ex fiancé. She lives in another state but they keep in touch regularly. He says the relationship consists of him giving her advice about her life.  I don’t know exactly how much they talk, or email or text or whatever but I think he talks to her and thinks about her a lot more than he admits. I think that he gets something out of that relationship that he does not want to admit to me (or himself.)

He knows that I am jealous. I have told him that it hurts me that he talks to her. He chooses to do so anyway, so whatever he gets out of it must be pretty important to him.  I have told him that I feel like he loves her more than me and that he would leave me for her. He says that is nonsense and that he knows he could have her back and doesn’t want her back.  

As a husband, he is great to me other than this. We communicate. He tries to make me happy in a million little ways. He defers to my preferences and he’s good with the kids. He has a good job and he’s in school. We bought a house together and there is enough money to go around. We are a match on many levels.

With her they did drugs and got arrested. They ruined each other’s lives and the seemed to have had a lot of passion and a lot of sex.  He says they went through hard times together and experienced things I would never really understand (what does that mean??)

We have discussed him not talking to her anymore, but I am not certain I want to be the one to put a stop to it. I freely have friendships with men and he trusts me. He has many other women friends who I have no problem with.  I still speak to my ex but only because we have children together. We are not friends. I feel like I would like him to stop talking to her because he knows how much it hurts me.

This is the one and only thing we ever fight about.

I am really hurt about this, and I don’t know what my options are.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

Yeah; I agree with peace but I also like what the others said but here is the thing.. I was going along with your husband until you said he speaks to her on phone.. why????????????????

Personally this wouldnt bother me but that is me and the more a man is nagged or pushed away the more he resents it..and guranteed he does it because of his ego.. We all know how large mens ego is...Unfortunately you are going to have to work hard at boosting his ego because apparantly he is not getting enough of this at home so he looks elsewhere. Doesnt mean he will cheat and if he wanted to cheat he would go and do it no matter where or what or how far a girl lived or whatever.. Just let it all go for now..

If this bothers you that much but you see nothing happening between he and her then its time for marriage counseling or smacking your husband upside the head (sorry couldnt resist)......................

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 3:35am

Maybe he needs to grow up and live in the now and stop chasing a fantasy from what? 20 years ago? You know put HIS WIFE and family as his top priority. Here's a few questions I'd have for him if I were you. Does she not have female friends and relatives she can talk all her personal problems out with instead of someones elses husband? Is your H a licensed counselor able to give her the right advice for her problems? Is talking to her twice a week more important to him than making his wife feel hurt and insecure in her marriage. Maybe you should go look for a male friend and cry on his shoulder about what a tool your H is?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

You're welcome and best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

ATM = at the moment

If he has gotten out of the habit of looking to you in hopes of great sex, you will have to work to earn his trust in order for him to open up completely regarding what floats his boat. That will most likely come by drawing what information out of him that is available then doing your best to act on it without any false pretenses. By that, I mean you will need to avoid doing anything which spoils a positive attitude/disposition on your part. Hence, you may have to adapt what he says with some mutual compromise. For most guys, we grade on 40% attitude, 40% effort, and 20% results. He may want you to blow a banana for 15 minutes and you might be hungry so blow and bite alternately and stretch it out 8 minutes. As long as you can retain a good attitude, effort being obvious, you just scored 90% (due to only giving half of the results which only constitute 20%). However, if you blow for 15 min with a bad attitude, hence your effort will also suffer, you just dropped your score below the 50 percentile. Hence, time for the 'sweet' memory ex gf to come flooding in.

 A woman doesn't have to be driven by a raw desire for sex (although that is always the ideal because it's less effort on the guy's part) as long as she is driven by a determined desire to please with a generous and willing attitude to give in a way that is tailored to his preferences.

Also, you may want to 'demand' sexual things from him in return for what you give because a woman who wants something and knows how to ask for it is just as hot as a woman who knows what to give without the man having to ask for it. Don't make the mistake of "I'll give you a bj with a happy ending if you give me a week's worth of doing the dishes."

Remember your ultimate goal, to displace the memory of ex gf leading to your H losing interest in her all together which is most likely based on sex related thrills resulting in the affirmation of his manhood.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

You see, he wants both women and ATM, he has them or at least some semblance of. However, most men would rather have both women in a single body, especially a body that slides into bed with him each night. In that, you have a huge advantage not to mention the legal/financial ties that marriage brings.

Remember, "A lady on the streets but a freak in the bed."

It's really that simple.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

That will depend on him as much as you.

Personally, women get extra hotness points with me if they have motherly experience and especially if they are good mothers. My gf was in her early 20's and lacked many attributes, again related to sexual appeal, that I have only found in women with more life experience. If your guy is hung up on the care-free sex that we only find in our earliest experiences, you are probably screwed no matter what you do.

However, if you hold as many pros as cons with him compared to his memories with her, you just need to become the best sex of his life in order to displace this other woman.

Start with small steps and goals and make it a long term plan. That way, it's not so intimidating. BTW, I have no contact with my ex whatsoever so the woman that I am courting does not feel threatened by her in any way. I'd rather be with a woman whose ex was her roomate, yet she had no feelings for, than with a woman whose ex was dead but she was still in love with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

Geek is right.

The woman that I am engaged to (LDR) has been under a lot of stress the last couple of weeks and her sexual side has diminished considerably.

I drive by my ex gf's (best sex partner of my life) off-ramp every day to and from work but waxed nostalgic this morning for the first time in many months. Why today? I'm simply missing that side of my/a woman - despite what ever logic I use to justify her inability to give at this time.

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