is he getting too comfortable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
is he getting too comfortable?
12
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 4:20pm

I have been with my guy j

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 5:58pm

I agree that backing off is game playing...it's not something I'd do either.

Thing is, if your guy was NEVER this way, then it's not about him getting too comfortable. Instead, it's just who he is.

Perhaps he shows his love for you in different ways? Does he fix stuff around your house? Does he spend a lot of quality time with you? Does he suggest restaurants and places where you can go on dates? There are many ways to show love without doing gushy romantic things such as flowers and surprises.

And truth be told, of all the things which stop happening over time, the romantic things are frequently the ones which fade.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 8:56pm
It just sounds like your guy isn't a romantic kind of guy--it's just his personality and it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. I did read a book once called Eat Chocolate Naked. It's more about how to keep the romance alive in your marriage but it could apply to a LTR also. Basically the female author says that guys aren't that romantic as far as what women would want so it's really up to each partner to specify what it is that they would want to make them feel loved. Since you've been going out a while, you could do this--you actually have to tell your guy "Hey, you know what? It would really make me feel special and loved if you would buy me flowers some time." Then you ask him what it is that he would like to have done for him, so it doesn't feel all one sided.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 9:47pm

I agree - You have to tell him what you want. This is what adults do. It isn't satisfying in the way an infant is satisfied when its mother knows exactly how to comfort it with food, changing, nap, etc... But two fully-formed individual adults need to communicate their needs and wants to one another. I don't think you should play games either. It's not that he is "spoiled" - He just doesn't have a brain that thinks "wow, I bet my girlfriend would really like some flowers".

When you remember that we're all different, and that we're not wrong for thinking differently, it is easier to appreciate him for who he is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 10:50pm

Was he ever romantic, or ever do the things you've listed? If he has not, or maybe once or twice, then he's not that type of guy.

I think a great book for you to read is "The Five Languages of Love" by Gary Chapman. To feel loved and give love, you do the little gifts and small acts of service (two of the languages) and want that in return.

Maybe for him it's just spending quality time with you (another language).

If you read the book you'll see that not everyone has the same love language nor will they interpret your giving as love. Hence alot of heartache or coming to the conclusion that the other one doesn't love them.

It's a quick read.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 11:14pm
Thank you for the book suggestions. I am going to get those and read them. No, he was never the gushy romantic type, but he does show his love in other ways and says it often. I do know he has given flowers to an ex a few times, so maybe I'm wondering why I haven't gotten any yet. I know, can't compare. Maybe I'll just wait a while and see what he does on his own, and if not then I'll have to speak up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 12:35am
Maybe his ex spoke up about wanting flowers. Try asking him: "How did you know your ex would like to receive flowers from you occasionally?"

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."


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Edited 9/28/2010 12:36 am ET by harmony08
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 12:57am
Welcome to the board, Hatesnow42 ~

You're not unreasonable to expect romance and surprises, but you are unreasonable to expect it from this guy. He's showing you pretty clearly that it's not part of who he is and isn't going to be. In fact, as nine months is still in the "honeymoon" stage, you can be sure what you're seeing now is the top of what you can expect; a decrease is to be expected.

I couldn't disagree with your friends more, playing games and "threatening" him to "wake him up" is destructive, unhealthy and unproductive. The truth is, if you were "successful" in getting more attention out of him through scare tactics, they wouldn't last long before he was back to being who he really is - his real self. Instead of playing games and manipulating, recognize this is who he is and ask yourself if this is something you can do without. It's okay if it's not, you should only accept what you want and everyone's wants are different.

Have you told him you would like it if he were more spontaneously romantic? Until you've told him what you'd like, he can't know. I think he at least deserves to know what it is you'd like.

I remember your post from the Toxic board and I will say that your transition from husband to boyfriend left no room for you to get back in touch with yourself. I'd urge you to consider that you're still in transition mode and have gone from changing in one relationship to being changed in another without having time to reconnect with you and get a good base of who you are, what you want now. You've changed a lot since you married, you need some time to know the new you before you can make good partner choices for yourself.

















"Ignoring the facts
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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2010
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 4:35am

You say he's sweet and kind to you, comes to see you and takes you out. Well? Are you only accepting specific gestures of affection or would it be good enough that he is expressing affection? I think it is most special when it's done in someone's own way, that means it's authentic. Do you show him you care in the way

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 7:18pm

Strangely enough, my husband likes putting cards and wrapping paper on gifts. But like your hubby, it would never occur to him to buy a card 'just because'.

>>If I want flowers, when we're out at the store and I see some, I tell him or else I just put them in the cart.<<

Yep, I buy my own flowers too. And have done for many years. Funnily enough, the last time I received flowers was when I was in hospital. My *autistic* son thought I should have them. Makes me laugh that the one with severly impaired social skills thinks to get me flowers but it doesn't occur to hubby.

Hubby does do candles lately though. It's because I'm going through a stage of making them myself and they're always around. Though *romance* isn't his reason for lighting them - he likes the ambience.

It took me a litle bit to get used to his lack of romantic ways. But once I was used to it, I realised that hubbys ways of showing love are actually preferable to me. Anyone can buy a bunch of flowers (a cheating husband I knew bought them for his wife weekly) but my hubby looking after the kids when I'm sick or tired has so much more meaning. Likewise, he frequently chooses to be at home with us instead of always out with the boys. Love shows itself in many different ways.

>>Do you show him you care in the way HE most wants it? << A six pack of beer, pizza and not talking during football is a wonderful token of love to my hubby. As is not being needy if he's got a few extra social activities on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-01-2010 - 2:03am
As you know, my hubby is the romantic type. Not so much with cards, but flowers and surprise gifts, arranged dinners and outings, that kind of thing. Once, when I was really stressed at work, he called my work and arranged for me to have a few days off, arranged child care for my kids and surprised me with a trip to a mountain cabin, complete with fireplace, hot tub, champagne and chocolate covered strawberries. He's always been that way; less so than in the beginning, of course, but he's still at it nearly ten years later. He's much more imaginative than I and pays close attention when I give him a clue that there's something I particularly like. We go to the local farmer's market every Saturday and take turns picking out flowers to take home.

That said, it's also true that if I want something specific, I need to get it myself. I learned a long time ago that if you wait for someone to get you what you want you'll get nothing almost all of the time. My ex was the opposite of my husband, even Christmas and birthdays were pretty dismal. It got so that I'd buy myself Christmas gifts, wrap them and put them under the tree, to me, from me. Ya do what ya gotta do, lol!

I think the thing is, if a guy who gives gifts, flowers and such is really what she wants, this isn't the guy for her. I don't think she's wrong to want it, and I don't think he's wrong to not provide it, they're just not what the other needs (assuming this is important to her); she needs a guy who gifts and he needs a gal who doesn't require it.





















"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown



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"Ignoring the facts
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