he loves me, but doesnt like me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
he loves me, but doesnt like me...
5
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 6:18pm

so my bf and i have been dating for 2 years and we've been living together the whole time. we've always had a stormy relationship, but we always make up and move on. recently i had to mov back into my mothers house bc we were having financial trouble and i had just had a baby. my bf only stayed for a few months and he moved out because he said he couldnt stand my mother which i understand because she is emotionally abusive to just about everyone she feels superior to. so he moved out but he still came over every day to see me and the baby, he called every night and i stayed over his apartment once a week for a night or two.

well about three weeks ago i noticed i was the only one making the phone calls and he had started only coming over once a week. the week before last he told me he was coming over 4 or 5 times but never showed. he hasnt come over at all the past 2 weeks and when i talked to him last he told me that he loves me but he needs someone thats more of a free spirit. he said all i talk about is bills (and thatsonly bc he supposed to be giving me money for them and i havent seen a dime in 3 weeks going on 4)he said looking back he never really ever had fun with me, i make him feel bad for being who he is, and he doesnt want someone who he feels like he needds to change and he doesnt want someone who wants to change him. he said that i asked him to change and he did but the things that he wanted me to change about me i didnt. he says that im just like my mother and he doesnt want to date my mother, he said he did a mental snapshot of me in forty years and he doesnt like it. i cant express how much this hurts me, although its not the first time hes said it.

i dont know what to do. i gave up school in california to stay with him on the east coast. i spent all of my college money supporting us while he didnt work. and now im broke, with a baby, without an education and alone. i really do love my bf and i just wish he could see me for who i am, not some clone of my mother, although i admittedly act like her sometimes. i feel like i am mentally abusive to him when i act the way she acts towards me and its gotten worse since i live with her again and im subjected to it each day. i wish i could show him that i am not her and i will change, but i dont think he wants to hear it anymore. i have to show him but i dont know how. the thing is, lately ive been able to recognize and anticipate when i feel like exploding on him for not paying the bills or for saying hes coming to see the baby then not showing up and ive been able to control it lately but ometimes i get so mad i just yell at him, when i get upset that he left me to take care of an infant all by myself.

also he doesnt think i understand him. i feel like i do. in spite of everything hes put me through in the past, i saw him as the genuine good hearted person he is. he doesnt think i complimented him as much as i criticized him which is probably so true because thats the way my mother acts towards me and shes clueless like i was. but how do i fix that now without looking desperate?

i feel so sad i really thought we were meant to be. i gave up everything for him and now he decides that he loves me but doesnt like me. do i need behavioral therapy because it seems like a lot of people love me but dont like me. i feel like i made so many mistakes that cant be fixed now, can they? any advice/ suggestions would be much appreciated.

veronica

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 7:38pm

Hi, Veronica! I'm sorry you're going through this. You are a young mom with an infant, an emotionally-abusive mother, and an absentee boyfriend. It's all falling on you, and no, it isn't fair, it's just the way things are.

You can probably use some counseling right now because of the way everything is coming down on you. You need someone clear-headed to give you guidance and support. A therapist can help you figure out the best things to do to help put your life back together, and help you make yourself strong enough for the challenges that lie ahead.

Now, one thing I really want you to do on Monday is get hold of a lawyer or the Department of Social Services and file for child support. Your boyfriend is the father of this child, and although he may want a free spirit to have fun with, the reality is that he has to support the life he helped you create. Yes, he will gripe and whine, but that doesn't change anything. Both your life and his were altered completely the day you got a positive on the pregnancy test.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 7:52pm

I agree with Geo that one-on-one counseling won't hurt a bit and getting the child support order in writing is an excellent idea.


Reading your post, the first thing that jumped to mind is that by saying he wants to be with someone with a "free spirit" kinda sounds like "I wanna be with someone who won't hold me to my responsibilities."

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 10:57pm

Welcome to the board, Veronica ~


I'm so sorry for how this is turning out for you. It sounds like your boyfriend might be pulling the old trick of no longer being interested when faced with the responsibilities of a child. Suddenly you're no fun anymore and he looks for someone who's not saddled with a baby who can pick up and run whenever. Ironic when you consider the baby you're saddled with is his. I also agree with what you've been told by Geo and Kimbirdy, I think counseling would definitely be a good idea, I know it was a great move for me to make.


I imagine right now you're feeling pretty scared, confused, hurt, and the future looks pretty cloudy. I understand you sucking it up instead of getting angry when he doesn't pay bills like he's supposed to, but it's also important to realize that the bills are his responsibility and he needs to be responsible to pay them no matter how he feels about you, the relationship, all of it. Don't be so worried about keeping him around that you end up letting him off the hook. If you do in essence he'll be bribing you to take care of all the responsibilities to keep him from leaving, and no matter how much you care about him, you don't need that. You've mentioned how much you've already given up and that you've used all your money supporting him when he wasn't working. This child is his and the bills are his responsibility too. Don't let him play the "I don't want to be a responsible adult so now I'm going to back out and leave" bit, leave or stay, he's got to be financially responsible. Contact your local child support enforcement (available through your County District Attorney's Office) and make sure he remains responsible as your child's father. I know that's probably the last of what you feel is important right now, but because you're so focused on him and the relationship, I feel like it's really important to push that point because it's vitally important and needs to be done asap.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 4:46am

"Don't be so worried about keeping him around that you end up letting him off the hook . If you do in essence he'll be bribing you to take care of all the responsibilities to keep him from leaving, and no matter how much you care about him, you don't need that."

Not only that, but when he feels like it, he'll leave anyway; no amount of making things easy for him will keep him at her side, because he's already griping about how she's no fun anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 10:51am

Actions speak louder than words.

Looks and sounds like he's bailing on you and your baby but just doesn't have the guts to come straight out and admit it to you. I think he's even trying to pull a reversal on you and make you think that it's your behavior that's causing your relationship to end and he's not taking the responsibility upon himself - when in all actuality it appears as though it's his behavior and attitude that's causing your relationship to crumble.

Facts are facts and it's going to hurt and suck if that's whats really going on here - but don't let him put it off on you.

Good Luck