He loves me but I am SO FRUSTRATED

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Registered: 10-20-2006
He loves me but I am SO FRUSTRATED
28
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 10:20pm

Hi everyone, thanks for opening up my posting. I need the views of people who don't know me or my boyfriend.

He's constantly expressing that he wants us to spend our lives together. But he somehow never has enough money to take me out and he's too passive and preoccupied to plan things. Most of our time is spent "hangin' out," and I'm not materialistic at all, but wouldn't it be nice to be taken out to dinner or brunch?

Over and over I reach a boiling point and try to initiate breakups, hoping this will be the fork in the road that leads either to the End or more appreciation of what I've got to offer. OK, It's kind of a game to worry him into better treatment of me. It works a little, but I know it's not fair and the changes are superficial.

We're both in our mid 30s. Been together 9 months. We don't live together. He wants to asap. This was so pleasing to me when he first started proposing it a few months ago, but the initial pleasure of the idea of it faded when I realized he just hasn't earned it.

He tries hard in many ways. A late bloomer, his career is new and very challenging to him (more drama than I think he needs, actually, for too little pay) and he needs a lot of energy for that. I have suggested to him that this is probably not the time for him to have a girlfriend. So he gets scared that he's losing me and makes promises that things will improve and rushes right over to see me and make sure we won't break up. He has done this even when he's tired or planned to do something else, which I didn't think was so good for him. He should just be consistent and responsible and this wouldn't happen.

He's sensitive and very sweet, but I feel like the relationship is so DISAPPOINTING in many ways:
- no dates any more (I mean, he doesn't take me out--not even once in two weeks)
- his libido is down due to stress, so sex 2x a week tops (we spend about 4 nights a week together)
- doesn't think ahead or plan, makes me feel he doesn't truly value me or "our time"
- I have to do most of the planning and all of the waiting (on him. He is late.)

Tonight I pulled away. For the first time ever, I cancelled our "hang out at home" plans because he wanted to do some chores while I was there. I suggested he just do the chores and we resume our plans tomorrow. (I've watched him fold laundry a couple of times before and have no desire to repeat this unless we are married and it's OUR laundry.)

In the hours after I cancelled, he called and called and I answered on his fourth try, after I'd had a few hours to process the fact that he seemed really to need a Talk. I was sweet and nice (I am not a meanie, just feeling kind of tired out) and I explained that I feel I have to pull away. I said that I feel I'm giving more than I'm getting. No more can he come over two hours later than he said he would and eat my cooking, no more can he whine that he's broke.

I told him I am now going to value quality over quantity in terms of the time we spend together and that I don't want to spend empty time with him in front of the TV, eating a dinner I cooked way too late at night to accomodate his convenience. I'd rather spend one or two special nights with him when we can start early and even (gasp) GO OUT!, if he can manage that. He says he is happy to try this and feels better about it already.

I explained that I am ready for things in life he isn't ready for and he disagreed and said he IS ready, for all of it. I said that no matter what he says I can't take him seriously if this is his idea of dating. (We've been involved for about 9 months.)

He cares. He calls every day that we aren't together. We've been spending our entire wkends together since we met, but now I think it's not a good idea any more (quantity, not quality at this point). His friends are smart, cool guys, mostly married and very nice. I care about him. I love him but I'm so frustrated.

My friends all like him. Everyone likes him. I love him. He loves me. He's a smart, funny, adorable, whimsical, straightforward, honest, kind person. But that STILL starts to feel like not enough when my needs are not being met. How much more do I take?

what say you girls?????? What do you do with a sweet but bumbling boyfriend?




Edited 10/20/2006 11:47 pm ET by straightshooter2006
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 11:21am

"Nonetheless I start to feel like I am being selfish and am demanding more than is reasonable to expect from another person and that if I work on curtailing my selfish behavior then maybe it'll turn out that the other problems weren't real, just my stubborn insistence to get reassurance I didn't need."


This might be your biggest barrier to relationship success.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 11:26am

From what you've described of him, no, it doesn't sound likely that he will step up to the plate if you do less and set boundaries, but I do understand that you probably need to try that before letting go. It sounds like you already had that talk (the talk you described in your first post) so now you need to stick to what you said and see what he does in response to that.

I would not recommend that you date other people though during this observation period--that just gets too confusing. Give him a reasonable amount of time (say, through Thanksgiving) and if he hasn't stepped up by then, then it's time to break things off.

Sheri

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Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 11:32am

"...and the other thing I wonder is this: would he step up to the plate if I just stopped bothering him about his behavior and got a life??? Would he pursue me in a more satisfactory way if I showed less interest and gave him less free time with me?"


No and no.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2006
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 12:07pm

Jennie,

Thanks so much for your helping me see through my own words.
I'm going to read and re-read what you've written until I can break it off. It might take until after the holidays, it might be before, but it's going to happen and you're right, I can't change him by playing games.

"He's not stepping up to the plate for himself" I think you said, and he isn't. He is like a child; a sweet, cuddly, very cute child but I know he's not the sort of man I need. I can barely think of him as a grown up. Oh, he has so far to go.

It also occurred to me as I was jogging this morning that by frustrating and upsetting me HE IS HURTING ME. I'm hurt! And I realize I feel hurt A LOT. Perhaps that is my internal recourse here, the reason I shouldn't feel guilty letting him go. He hasn't done anything bad to me--intentionally. But I'm still hurt.

I actually mentioned to him that I was hurt by his behavior but he said "why do you play the victim??? Why can't you just relax?"

I guess in this situation I can't relax and that's been the problem and it'd continue to be.

I also acknowledge (and have told him) that I don't ask for much, and certainly not anything out of the ordinary. He agrees and says he understands and respects that, but then he fumbles on the follow through.

From what he describes this is how he's been in every relationship and he hates that he acts that way, but he can't help himself.

I think he just needs to find someone who'll be ok with him being the way he is, for instance, an heiress who just thinks he's cute and smart! And it could happen, because anything can happen, and he is both of those things.

What am I? I am at el endo of my ropeo.

thanks so much again. I getcha, I really do.

:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2006
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 12:13pm

Sheri,

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I said to Jennie in response to her message that maybe I could wait it out through the holidays.

Maybe I can't. I agree that it wouldn't be fair to date other people right now. I owe myself an observation period so I'll be satisfied with my decision.

So Jennie, I'll keep reviewing your words and Sheri, I'll try and lighten up a bit because I told him I would.

I know he will be fine either way and so will I.

yep.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 5:00pm

"He is like a child; a sweet, cuddly, very cute child but I know he's not the sort of man I need. I can barely think of him as a grown up. Oh, he has so far to go"


I'm not sure what you want out of a relationship, but especially if you are thinking about marriage and a family then being with someone you can think of as an adult is very important.

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Registered: 10-20-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 9:56am

Jennie,
I think a big part of how I wound up in this situation is because I don't yet know how to be a healthy partner in a relationship, so you've definitely struck on something there.

This is my first "real relationship;" I kind of kept to myself (damaged) for years and about two years ago, when I was finally ready for more than superficial dating, I met someone who was going through a divorce who broke my heart.

When I met my current guy, I had major abandonment issues and I was so delighted to be with someone who would hang on to me so tenaciously.

I totally appreciate you telling me about your personal experience with the your ex-husband. A "grown up teenager" sounds very familiar! He doesn't want to be, but he is, and his progress will be slow; I'm not convinced it is in my time frame.

This weekend I let us be together ONE night. I just can't give him my entire weekend any more. He wanted to try to "start over" with the relationship and take me on a grown up date. This is because he wants to do whatever it takes to show me he and I DO belong together and that we just got off on the wrong foot. We had fun and it was nice, but later in the evening, on the way to my house, I kept thinking about how disappointed I'd surely be when he didn't initate sex later, or even kissing, because I knew he wouldn't. He is fine to go without these things when he's not absolutely positively in the mood, which with his stress level is not daily. I tried to sleep facing the wall and away from him, awake and resentful most of the time. I wound up crying in the early morning and explaining that it was breaking my heart that he's sweet, so sweet, but that I am so unsatisfied. He hugged me and tried to explain that he's just stressed by his bad financial situation and hectic job and feeling a bit physically shut down and that I should be patient because he's working on it. In all fairness, he is. But I feel like his changes are just token actions to appease me and not coming from inside of himself. I told him this.

Any time he touches me I just want to cry and hug him. Why is this??? I'm emotionally and physically attracted to him but this situation depresses me. I guess this is because it's ME and not HIM who wants sex.

He made me pancakes and I almost couldn't eat them. I felt heartbroken. We got in a little argument where I told him why I was so upset. He wanted to patch it up. He wound up initiating pity sex which was very loving but still kind of sad.

He says he wants to spend his life with me and assures me he won't always have this stress level and this lack of libido. He didn't understand why I just couldn't enjoy the nice pancakes. I angrily told him that I'd cooked for him many times and that he should stop making a big deal out of ONE thing he did to get brownie points. He said that this was just the beginning, a new start, and that things would be better.

It is so hard. I went to a friend's house for the night last night and just hyperfocused on it. I want to cry right now. I am an emotional wreck.

I do have a good therapist who's helping me with all sorts of issues. I started seeing him right after Mister Pending Divorce. It's just that there isn't enough time in our sessions for me to cover ALL the ground I need to cover!

My therapist has asked me if it would help to bring my boyfriend in. I'm starting to think that this is a good idea before I give up entirely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 10:38am

You hit on another similarity between your relationship and my broken marriage - the sex.

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Registered: 10-20-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 11:11am

I wonder how much he could be helped by therapy. He's open to it, and is already on an antidepressant which I know is libido suppressing.

He's a good soul, but his attitudes over the past 9 months have really injured me. He claims to understand how I feel and wants a chance to change. But I'm still hurt. And I'm so confused. I wish it was as black and white as "we don't get along" or "we don't like the same things." We do. And we have fun. I just want more all the time though and he doesn't have it right now.

You gotta love Dr. Phil. And the point there is, when you're getting your basic needs met, you can focus on other things. But when your basic needs aren't being met, well, you kind of can't.

Anyway, thank you for all your attention. I've decided that my interim solution is just to not do all those special things for him and not expect anything right now. I'm not going to see him more than twice a week. I just need to keep this stage-appropriate, because I'm ready for more than he really is and maybe I'll just get tired of it and stop obsessing. And once I stop obsessing I'll be able to make the break.

As of now, he still has a small chance. I think I will know when enough really is enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 12:23pm
I'm really sorry to be saying this, but I think that you might be a tad needy. You cried all night because you didnt get sex? That's not normal no matter how dissatisfied you are... and how bumbling your bf is. He's just immature.. right? not a maniac or abusive. That really doesnt warrant crying all night and then in the morning over pancakes. He's still trying and all you're doing is picking the faults.
It seems that you're only focussing on the negatives in this relationship, and while some people might say that this guy isnt right for you... I'd say that you're the one not ready for a healthy relationship. you're not really giving the guy a chance. You dictate everything to him and then feel resentful for having to dictate everything.
Some people just focus on what they're NOT getting.. and you might be one of them right now. I think that you might even be depressed.. I'd certainly explore this with the therapist.
I think that you have serious baggage from the past heartbreak and before you get into a relationship you should probably become a happier more positive person in general. Otherwise you'll always be wondering whether it's you or the relationship that needs fixing.
Good luck!