He loves me but I am SO FRUSTRATED
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| Fri, 10-20-2006 - 10:20pm |
Hi everyone, thanks for opening up my posting. I need the views of people who don't know me or my boyfriend.
He's constantly expressing that he wants us to spend our lives together. But he somehow never has enough money to take me out and he's too passive and preoccupied to plan things. Most of our time is spent "hangin' out," and I'm not materialistic at all, but wouldn't it be nice to be taken out to dinner or brunch?
Over and over I reach a boiling point and try to initiate breakups, hoping this will be the fork in the road that leads either to the End or more appreciation of what I've got to offer. OK, It's kind of a game to worry him into better treatment of me. It works a little, but I know it's not fair and the changes are superficial.
We're both in our mid 30s. Been together 9 months. We don't live together. He wants to asap. This was so pleasing to me when he first started proposing it a few months ago, but the initial pleasure of the idea of it faded when I realized he just hasn't earned it.
He tries hard in many ways. A late bloomer, his career is new and very challenging to him (more drama than I think he needs, actually, for too little pay) and he needs a lot of energy for that. I have suggested to him that this is probably not the time for him to have a girlfriend. So he gets scared that he's losing me and makes promises that things will improve and rushes right over to see me and make sure we won't break up. He has done this even when he's tired or planned to do something else, which I didn't think was so good for him. He should just be consistent and responsible and this wouldn't happen.
He's sensitive and very sweet, but I feel like the relationship is so DISAPPOINTING in many ways:
- no dates any more (I mean, he doesn't take me out--not even once in two weeks)
- his libido is down due to stress, so sex 2x a week tops (we spend about 4 nights a week together)
- doesn't think ahead or plan, makes me feel he doesn't truly value me or "our time"
- I have to do most of the planning and all of the waiting (on him. He is late.)
Tonight I pulled away. For the first time ever, I cancelled our "hang out at home" plans because he wanted to do some chores while I was there. I suggested he just do the chores and we resume our plans tomorrow. (I've watched him fold laundry a couple of times before and have no desire to repeat this unless we are married and it's OUR laundry.)
In the hours after I cancelled, he called and called and I answered on his fourth try, after I'd had a few hours to process the fact that he seemed really to need a Talk. I was sweet and nice (I am not a meanie, just feeling kind of tired out) and I explained that I feel I have to pull away. I said that I feel I'm giving more than I'm getting. No more can he come over two hours later than he said he would and eat my cooking, no more can he whine that he's broke.
I told him I am now going to value quality over quantity in terms of the time we spend together and that I don't want to spend empty time with him in front of the TV, eating a dinner I cooked way too late at night to accomodate his convenience. I'd rather spend one or two special nights with him when we can start early and even (gasp) GO OUT!, if he can manage that. He says he is happy to try this and feels better about it already.
I explained that I am ready for things in life he isn't ready for and he disagreed and said he IS ready, for all of it. I said that no matter what he says I can't take him seriously if this is his idea of dating. (We've been involved for about 9 months.)
He cares. He calls every day that we aren't together. We've been spending our entire wkends together since we met, but now I think it's not a good idea any more (quantity, not quality at this point). His friends are smart, cool guys, mostly married and very nice. I care about him. I love him but I'm so frustrated.
My friends all like him. Everyone likes him. I love him. He loves me. He's a smart, funny, adorable, whimsical, straightforward, honest, kind person. But that STILL starts to feel like not enough when my needs are not being met. How much more do I take?
what say you girls?????? What do you do with a sweet but bumbling boyfriend?
Edited 10/20/2006 11:47 pm ET by straightshooter2006

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I have to say that your reply pretty much expresses the reason why I'm struggling so hard with myself. That's why I'm just going to try and hang back and be more relaxed about things. I definitely have neediness issues.
I had a dream a few weeks ago that I got lost and tried to call my bf. I searched around in my pockets for my phone, but found his first. I was carrying around BOTH OUR PHONES! So even if I called him, I couldn't reach him, because I had his phone as well as mine.
However the sexual "shutting down" is something all of his girlfriends have had problems with, and it's not really our main issue, just something that hurts me as well as our other problems. It's the straw that breaks the camel's back. I think there's a lot more about this in my first posting, the one that started the thread.
Nonetheless I know I have work to do and I know there are two sides to every story. That's why I've opened myself up to this forum. And I'm glad to get your counterpoint.
Hi, thanks for your thoughts. It's a bit of all of the above, but none of it is in a vacuum. There's a lot of history to these problems and he's had lots of chances. I see the good, the wonderful, sweet good in him -- and I may have represented myself here as a terrible shrew, I'm not. I'm a careful, kind, generous person who has put more into the relationship than I've gotten back and it's taken me this long to realize that THIS is the problem and explain it to him.
Yes, he's trying, but I think a lot of these problems including my feeling so needy came out of just not getting the relationship basics (dates, timeliness, reliability, clear communication) from him at the beginning. He and I BOTH resented each other but still felt drawn enough to each other to keep trying.
He is a serial monogamist and I am terrified of abandonment in my life. This could be a recipe for disaster or something that can be worked through. We are both reflective people and want the best for each other.
I posted because I am tired of carrying 80% of the relationship. If I don't plan things for us they don't happen. I've tried just letting go and he falls back on me, which was nice and made me feel good at first but now it taxes my respect.
He has done plenty of things to upset me, for instance, showing up at my house 1.5 hours later than he said he would (he fell asleep). We are not married and we don't live together, and his courting style is not exactly knockin' my socks off.
The flip side of this is that yes, I am needy. However I am happy with who I am for the most part, and I have a nice life on my own. I just wish there was a way for he and I to better complement each other but I question how complementary our ways of life really are.
What complicates this is that he insists we are a good match. Because this is my first real relationship I'm willing to learn, but I feel a little tired out.
i didnt mean to suggest that he's perfect and you're being unreasonable. not at all. i am sure that you're justified in feeling somewhat dissatisfied. something in your post (the crying part) reminded me of how i was a few months ago. i was picking faults with my husband left and right (not suggesting that you're doing this) although just looking back he was trying as hard as he could and i was just criticizing and overreacting to EVERYTHING... it was a miserable life. it turns out that my negativity was because of extreme depression. i was just being miserable and noone could have made me happy then.. and it was taking a toll on my relationship because i kept trying to fix my husband when what needed fixing was my attitude towards life in general.
i just wanted to say that if your bf's faults are affecting you so powerfully, there's likely to be more to the story than just his inadequacy. you are hurting indeed.. but it just seemed to me that your reactions to his inadequacies were a little extreme.. much like the way i used to react. and it could be that if you are indeed depressed then the chemical imbalances in your brain could be affecting your judgement regarding your bf. you might not be seeing things completely clearly.. of course this is just a hypothesis. you know much better than me what's going on in your mind, and in his and in the relationship in general.. i am just guessing and i am probably wrong.
i am not criticizing you..hope you werent offended. i just wanted to let you know that if you're already seeing a therapist it might be worth keeping this other thing in mind before you terminate the relationship.
oh, I understand! First of all, nobody's perfect. But in my case, he wasn't really the type of guy I imagined I'd find and get serious with but what the heck do I know? I've come to love him but it's been choppy sailing because of our differences. I just don't like it when it starts to feel forced.
I'm wondering how much we can grow together though, and I'm also wondering how much of this is him needing to mature and me needing to be less reliant. However I think a woman should be able to rely on her man, I am traditional, so that's a sticky wicket too.
I imagine this awful scenario where he and I are married with a child and he can't remember to pick our kid up from school because he "zoned out" or got preoccupied with something else!
I do have some mood problems for sure, and so does he. Fun right? This makes me feel like perhaps we're in it together? But then, I start to wonder if we'd just be better off with other people... or alone.
Wondering what it would be like to bring him with me to my therapist. I still feel it's worth a try before I give up. Did you do this? How did it go over? And how are things for you now, did you work it out?
Hi straightshooter! Thanks again for replying to my posts -- I followed the links and went to your old posts...and I saw this:
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This happened to me. A LOT.
A.
LOT.
A LOT A LOT. ALL THE TIME! IT WAS AWFUL! IT'S STILL AWFUL THINKING ABOUT IT!
It was a joke on the swim team that my parents didn't love me because they'd leave me at the pool for hours after practice. I'd call their offices and be unable to find them. We'd joke about me moving into the pool, what with it having showers and lockers. One time I was left for FOUR HOURS after a soccer game, and my parent (not going to say which one!) came, totally MISSED ME sitting in the grass, got out of the car, walked to the field, turned around, and got back in the car. I walked all the way home, and found A NOTE:
"If you're going to get a ride home with your friends, please call and tell me where you are."
I'm good with my parents now, but that's a valid worry. I'm turning out all right, but you can be sure that it is EXTREMELY difficult for me to accept or ask for rides from people.
OMG!!! That sounds very painful and I'm sorry that happened!!
What was the reason??? Were your parents "absent minded professor" types?
My boyfriend has come a lonnnng way. He is very cautious now with time. I guess that's the other benefit of my being so OCD...I kind of talked at him until he got the picture. We have not had a lateness incident in many months. In fact, now he feels accountable and shows up to places early.
<What was the reason??? Were your parents "absent minded professor" types?>>
I dunno what happened! I just realized I still didn't know! They're both artists and flaky (although one has grown a lot), and tend to flitter about with commitments. Sometimes I think they never should have had children, that they had them because they thought they had to, and I think they should have focused entirely on their art. They can be pretty absent minded, and easily distracted. I went to visit my mom for the holidays, and she was so excited to see me she forgot to note where she parked the car in the garage, so we had to walk around clicking the unlock button on her remote access key forever just to find it.
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I'm glad your BF is showing up places early now. I used to have a problem with tardiness (still do if people are wayyyy flexible), but for the most part I'm ridiculously early. I realized it had been done to me, and I didn't want to do that to other people.
LOL...I don't mean to laugh...but artists, yeah, they are very much in their own heads!
My bf is a web guy / musician...and his last relationship before me was 7 years with a very laid back artist chick. So it's no wonder he needs just a bit of training. But he's up for it! And he's so happy when I tell him how much he's grown. I just had to learn how to tell him what I need.
It's so funny how our parents affected us. My bf was chased around by his homemaker mother, and overgiven tons of love and validation, to the point of him just wanting to check out. But he's still a total "momma's boy" and forms super-strong attachments. (Just like my dad with his mom.)
I on the other hand was given only "tough love" by my scientist parents and and kind of emotionally ignored, so here I go, sooooo emotionally needy for everything I didn't get.
It's funny. You and your bf make sense I think. Me and mine do.
You are just going to have to succumb to the notion that he is GOING to be there for you and you can't shake him.
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