he needs a lesson in "woo-ing"

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2006
he needs a lesson in "woo-ing"
2
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 7:23pm

My boyfriend of a year and I have been getting into disagreements lately. Basically, I'm just noticing that he never takes me out or performs other small romantic gestures.

I never really noticed it in the beginning since our relationship was long-distance when it started. We went to different colleges and would see each other only on breaks. We've been living in the same city since graduation for the past 4 months.

It's not that I expect him to take me out to expensive dinners multiple times a week or buy me pricey gifts. We're both trying to get on our feet, not to mention I've never been about material things. HOWEVER, I do like little gestures now and then. I'm perfectly happy with romantic walks in a park or a flower every now and then. We talked about this a few weeks ago and it errupted into a huge fight. He accused me of being shallow and materialistic. I tried to explain that dating someone requires actual "dating". Since then he has been making an effort to take me out, I'll give him that. But I think he misinterpreted what I meant because now it seems like he's stuck on trying make sure he spends a certain amount of money. For my birthday a few days ago, I got a large gift bag from him filled with gift certificates to all my favorite stores. I appreciate what he did because I know he spent a lot of money he didn't have, so I hate to say this but...I was a little disappointed. I guess I would've liked something with a little more sentiment, like a personal card. We celebrated the day before since he had to work late on my birthday. But when he came over late that night, we basically chatted with my roommate for a bit then he rolled over and went to sleep. He didn't understand why I was upset and told me that us spending time together should have been enough. If the situation was the other way around and I had to work on his birthday, I would've at least brought him a card on the day of even IF I took him out the night before.

Am I too demanding? Too confusing in what I want? I want to clear something - he's not your typically emotionally closed off guy. He is really sensitive. He calls me just to tell me he loves me and he's always so verbally expressive about how much he cares about our relationship. It's hard to find a guy who will openly cry at a sappy movie, I think it's sweet.

But I want more than just bumming around my apartment with him. And I hate that I have to instruct him on how to take out a girl. He's had several girlfriends before but I am the first girl he's dated in the past 5 years. Did he forget? I know that our open emotional connection, trust and communication is the most important part of our relationship - but I think the "woo-ing" plays a part too, even if just a small one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 10:03pm

He is equating your request for "dates" with spending money on you. If you didn't explain clearly that you would be perfectly happy if most of your dates consisted of romantic walks in the park and other free or inexpensive outings, then do so. If you did explain this to him, then he may not be hearing you because of a preset notion that women want men with money.

I broke up with a guy a few years ago for reasons that had nothing to do with the fact that he had a poor paying job and couldn't spend money on me. When I broke up with him, he couldn't accept that it was his negativity that made me break it off with him. He insisted it was about his lack of disposable income, and I finally just agreed with him to get him to leave me alone. Some guys are like this.

Instead of waiting for him to "get it", take the lead. You don't have to teach him, just show him. Invite him for that walk, call him and ask him to take you to the free Shakespeare in the Park you just read about in the paper. He'll get the message eventually. And remember, just because you would have gotten him a personal card doesn't mean he should think the same way you do. You have to tell him what you want. Sure it's not romantic to have to communicate your needs, but it sure is better than expecting him to read your mind and being frustrated and disappointed when he can't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 11:39pm
Charite gave you some great suggestions, Mandybay. But, I think the bottom line is that he isn't the kind of guy that gives you the kind of things you want in a relationship. You're not shallow or demanding, he's not cheap or lazy. You're just different. He operates in relationships the way he feels is right for him, you operate and want differently. Being without a girlfriend for a few years isn't an excuse, the difference in his personality and yours is. He doesn't need a lesson in wooing, he is who he is and you have to realize that.


I think you're going to find that if you want a guy who treats relationships the way you want, you're going to have to find a guy who's on the same page as you are. I think you'll find that trying to accept that he doesn't give you what you want will find you unsatisfied and frustrated. Being with someone who compliments your style and beliefs is the hugest part of a successful relationship.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"