is he a selfish bf?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
is he a selfish bf?
22
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 11:02am

if a bf is not selfish in other areas except in bed, is he still selfish? my bf reaches climax very quickly & leaves me hanging there. it's been 3 months. we read about all those methods to prolong/ pause him for a while but he did not make much effort to try. he gets wat he wants in the end while i feel i'm being used. he says he may be selfish in bed but he aint selfish in other areas. is dat acceptable? it's a big step for me to do something so intimate with him & i jus feel lost after it. i don't want to come across as a horny bitch but am i, to want my satisfaction too? i am utterly confused & i regret ever doing it with him. should i jus stop or stop being with him altogether?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 4:37pm

If he has a problem and won't fix it then you get a choice, live with it or move on.

I know at least two other women who were in first marraiges where the sex was bad (in one case your exact problem) and both finally ended up divorcing, primarily over this issue, after a lot of years of suffereing. Some people are tempted to think....hey if everything else is good then this doesn't matter that much ---- not true IMO.

You need to find someone that is compatible on the dimensions that are most important to you. Don't settle and hope he will change. These boards are full of the broken homes of people who have.

Good luck, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 2:13am
we had a talk. he said he is inexperienced. & dat when he gets 'in', he jus gets very excited and the whole feeling is diff from hand or mouth & he jus comes very fast. i dunno... isit coz we are not married dats y he don care? he need not please jus a gf? feel hurt. i told him dat if he loves me, he will want to make me happy too. & he said he will try.. it was nice when i talked & he listened but i dunno if i can trust him. i don want to open up myself emotionally & feel used & lousy all over again. it is a terrible feeling to be so close to someone & then feel nothing but an object. i can never be strong like some women who can jus have sex w/o emotions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 7:51am
No one should have to have sex without emotions in a caring relationship. Your boyfriend needs to be as concerned about your pleasure as he is about his own. Even if he is finished before you are, that doesn't mean that he gets to just quit! Maybe he could concentrate on pleasing you first. Would he be willing to try that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 8:50am
This isn't hard to solve. If he wants sex, then you tell him that he needs to do oral and/or manual stimulation on you first to make sure that you have an orgasm. Only once you've had one do you allow regular intercourse. That gives him motivation to make sure you're satisfied and guarantees that you aren't left hanging.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2006
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 12:53pm

I'd agree with the others who have said that the problem comes in if he is not willing to try to satisfy you. Most men get a lot more pleasure from knowing that they have satisfied the woman that they are with than from their own orgasms.

I'd agree that changing things up a bit so that you are satisfied first is a good suggestion. You can also slow him down a bit by backing off stimulating him and by taking little breaks or changing positions.

If he's willing to work with you, then you can probably sort this out. If he doesn't care, then kick him to the curb.;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 2:24am

How old are you two, Sillypop?










~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 10:28am

we're 26. been tog for about a year. anyhow after that incident, we have not done anything else. so no chance of finding out if he will do wat he promised.. to try to be a more considerate lover. i had only met him for a short lunch dats all & after dat i went off to stay with a galfren coz i felt i needed some time off. i mean i love him but now he is just making me feel so sad. i cant help but feel like i'm jus a prostitute? coz u don't need to care about a prostitute's pleasure. the more i tink about it, the more angry i feel. maybe all his actions just can't hide that i don't mean much to him actually.

i mean how many of u out there have been thru this & even feel tempted to jus have sex with another guy (who may love u) since the one u r with & loves but don't give you what u need?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 1:47pm

sillypop,

<< mean how many of u out there have been thru this & even feel tempted to jus have sex with another guy (who may love u) since the one u r with & loves but don't give you what u need?>>

Hon, sorry to be blunt and maybe a bit harsh, but at 26 you should know better then to think this. You should now that this is not how a mature, responsible adult in a real realtionship handles a problem. If you are that unhappy with how things are going then instead of cheating on him you need to break it off with him. You may say, "But I love him", but honey if you loved him you would even be considering cheating on him. He's not giving you what you want and both of you need to either fix this or let eachother go find people who fit you better.

Best of luck,
Defleppargal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 3:25pm
Trust me.. he is not inexperienced. He just doesn't care and he's a selfish lover. Every man I have ever dated was more concerned about my pleasure than their own. They always made sure i had an orgasm before even *thinking of their own. This guy is behaving like a horny teenager who just discovered sex. I would leave this guy in a heartbeat. The way a guy treats a girl in bed is very telling of how he'll treat her in other aspects of the relationship as well as how much he respects her in general.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 1:48am

Sillypop, if this has been an issue for a year, you have to know he's not trying to change anything, isn't interested in your pleasure. He's not a teenager that hasn't learned to control himself, and from what you've said, he's not indicated any thoughts on improving the situation except "trying harder". Any situation that has you feeling badly about yourself is not one you should be in.


Is this the relationship you described in your response on the Toxic Relationships board?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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