is he a selfish bf?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
is he a selfish bf?
22
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 11:02am

if a bf is not selfish in other areas except in bed, is he still selfish? my bf reaches climax very quickly & leaves me hanging there. it's been 3 months. we read about all those methods to prolong/ pause him for a while but he did not make much effort to try. he gets wat he wants in the end while i feel i'm being used. he says he may be selfish in bed but he aint selfish in other areas. is dat acceptable? it's a big step for me to do something so intimate with him & i jus feel lost after it. i don't want to come across as a horny bitch but am i, to want my satisfaction too? i am utterly confused & i regret ever doing it with him. should i jus stop or stop being with him altogether?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 2:47pm

Yes, he is selfish if he leaves you hanging as you describe. That is completely selfish behavior. If he isn't selfish in other areas of his life then I'd think about why it is he is selfish in the one area?

They way you have described the situation it is clear that he has an issue with ED or pre-mature ejaculation. This is a serious issue for and may contribute to why he seems to be so selfish in bed, but not other areas of his life.

He knows he is not 'performing' at that would have a serious impact on his own self-esteem. There is plenty of help out there for someone like him, if he is willing to get that help. That's really the question for you....he knows he has a problem...but does he care? Is he willing to admit it is a problem and get the help he needs. Are you willing to be patient and work with him to fix it?

Also, obviously, there are plenty of other ways he can please you. Why is it he isn't doing/trying to do any of those? Maybe he just doesn't care about you and your pleasure or doesn't know how to please you? You might communicate with him about other things you would like him to do to please you.

Your other post about wanting to sleep with someone else....well, you have to know that isn't the answer. If you aren't willing to work with him to help the problem then you need to end it. You need to be supportive because his self-esteem is a big part of why he has these issues. If you can't do that for him, you are better off ending it and moving on - for the both of you. Of course, at 26, you should know this already and it is disturbing to me that you would even think that is a good option for you.

I'm a guy, but I've had a similar issue in reverse. I felt my female SO was selfish in bed (although also selfish in other areas of her life). I talked with her about it and because she understood where I was coming from and also loved me...she took action right away to do more of what I thought a non-selfish lover should do. So, why is it he doesn't when he appears to be a less selfish person in general?

Hope this turns out the way you want it too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 12:21pm
nope he is not the one.. that was an ex from the past.
i do feel evil for even thinking about that but i am just being honest about my thoughts. i will never be unfaithful, i know it is wrong. It was just a thought when my brain just goes crazy a bit. & yes, no matter how it goes, i will rather end it off than be unfaithful & betray someone i love.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 12:46pm

i know it is evil to even think about it. however i am not going to do that. it jus crossed my mind on one crazy moment. i will not betray him, i wud rather end it off than to do anything to hurt this relationship or taint it. he has been good to me in other areas, no matter wat.

i must also clarify that he don't jump into bed & don't do anything to pleasure me at all. he does. but due to his inexperience, he don't really do it well. then he climaxes really fast coz he says he is so excited. i did think about going to seek professional help & even told him about it. he says he will try to 'restrain' himself 1st & see how.

right now, i just don't feel like being so close to him physically anymore. maybe it was a mistake from the start becoz we are not married. should just stop.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 8:16am

Do a google search on 'premature ejaculation' and print out the articles which give instruction on how to prolong climaxing and give it to him and tell him "you need to read this or we're through--I need more from you than you're so far willing to give to me and it's unfair that you don't think enough of me to address this issue."


He is being selfish. Being inexperienced can be solved by him educating himself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 5:13am
yup ok i will... thanks.
& no i don't tink i can live with that kind of selfishness for life.
am i demanding? i just want my S.O. to respect & think & do somethings to make me happy & fulfilled. isn't that what a relationship is about? - giving love & receiving love?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 10:52am

you write: "am i demanding? i just want my S.O. to respect & think & do somethings to make me happy & fulfilled. isn't that what a relationship is about? - giving love & receiving love?"

In this instance, I don't think you're being demanding--you're looking out for what makes you happiest and most fulfulled in the relationship, which is your responsibility to yourself, not his. No one can make another person happy; nor should one put this off onto the other or depend upon them to do. He has already shown you that he's not interested in doing this for you. When he's more vested in giving excuses or being defensive about not giving you what you need (other areas of generosity is non sequitur to this issue and doesn't belong in the argument) Giving him this information is a step for yourself in that process. If he won't take the lead with what you give him, then you know exactly how he thinks (or doesn't) about your esteem. Decide then to either tolerate this to have a man in your life, or to leave and find one who'll do this without any kind of prodding or asking.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 11:01am

No, you're not at all selfish to want satisfaction.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 1:31pm
it hurts.. to read all dat u all have written coz i know u r right... it still hurts, u know what i mean? i love him. i wish things will work out in the end.. i will do my best to be open & positive & i hope he will do his part. he is very frazzled by work now, it may not be the best time to do this. but it is important and i will make him get around to it someday. i am willing to help him along, been reading all those articles.
i dunno what is gonna happen in the end. but for now, i will hold on to a hope.
nobody is perfect.. i don't want to jus give up w/o a try. an effort to make things ok.
this has spinned off a lot of other thots for me. like..
does it mean that as long as a person is selfish, he/she will never last in a relationship? what about if the person is greedy/ insensitive? what are the qualities in a person so that he/she can have a relationship that lasts? perfection? will a person ever change for the person he/she loves? (maybe he does not love me; i am not the one for him so he don't bother?) or are selfish/greedy/insensitive people doomed to be alone, flitting from one relationship to the other? how come i see a lot of imperfect/even bad characters people in blissful relationships? i am not a bad person... or am i?
this is all so confusing & terribly agonizing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 6:52pm

Well, I happen not to believe in evil. There is nothing wrong with thinking about things....it is the acting on those thoughts that, to me, wouldn't be right.

You need to figure out what is right for you. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 7:57pm

sillypop,

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Well atleast not one that is as a commited, honest, loving, caring, trusting, compromising as a real marriage should be. I don't think that you can be (or should be) in a relationship with someone if you can't think of their wants and needs ever. I know I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone like that. I don't see how you can describe "love" in your relationship in the same sentence as selfish. If your BF "loved" you he wouldn't be the other things described.

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Being the opposite of greedy, insensitive and selfish does not automatically make someone "perfect". There is no such a thing as "perfect", but there is such a thing as "better for you" or "a better match for you". Don't go from one extreme to the other as a way of putting a band-aid over the situation. I'm sorry I've just never heard of those words being used in the same sentence as describing a happy relationship. Where in the marriage vows does it say that it's ok to be those things?? Love, honor and cherish is not the definition of greedy, inseneitive and selfish. "I promise to be greedy, insensitive and selfish, but I will say I love you so you feel loved, from this day forward." Ha, I think not. Don't confuse them for being the same when you want to sugar coat things for yourself.

<>

I believe that some people can change, but I say that very lightly. Some things a person can change, some they can't. No matter what they have to be "willing" to change. I don't know whether or not this is something that your BF is willing to change enough to be able to.

<>

They may look "blissful" but you will never be able to know for sure that they are because you do not live in their relationship. You don't know every detail, every word, every moment that they do. I had a few relationships where people were shocked when they found out after the break ups about what I went through because they "thought" it was blissful because they only saw the outside.

No matter what you have alot of years ahead of you to figure all of this out and to figure out what is really really important to you. In time you will see that love is not enough when a relationship isn't really true in other aspects.

Best of luck,
Defleppardgal

Defleppardgal